Watch what you eat and excercise daily!!
When I was thinner I used to go “skinny dipping,” now I just “chunkydunk.”
The older you get, the smarter your parents were.
You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit.
Life is like a shit sandwich…
The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.
Eagles may soar majestically the sky, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
It is far worse to be pissed on than pissed off.
Try everything at least twice, the first time you might just have been in the wrong mood.
Your mind is your own responsibility, feed it, take it for walks, and don’t allow it to attack strangers.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll drink for a lifetime.
Build a man a fire, he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Thanks! I always wondered where the hell that saying originated.
Not a science project, but I did a show and tell about it.
BUT
I’m afraid now that my figures will need to be adjusted. The many years of practice I’ve had licking stuff has made my tongue quite talented.
My talented tongue is thoroughly trained through the thousands of times it’s tittilated. 
NOTE:
Momma always said, "Life is like a sucker. Just about the time you got that sucker licked…it’s gone."
None of the sayings originated there. They were collected by Heinlein and put in his character’s mouth, but he never claimed to have made them up.
No matter how busy you are, no matter what urgent mission waits you in life - always take the time to carefully zip-up your fly.
Yes, I did learn this the hard way. :smack:
No matter where you go, there you are.
You might think you’re through with the past, but the past is never through with you.
Our emotions and how we react to (and out of) them are two different things.
It’s only rarely a bad idea to stop and take a few slow deep breaths.
Make haste slowly.
When the tag on the sweater says “dry clean only”, they mean “dry clean only”, not “dry clean as long as you have the time and didn’t put off finding an outfit for the important event until the last minute.”
Be prepared when you can. When you can’t, pretend you are.
Forewarned is forearmed; and four-armed is twenty-fingered.
but it’s better to be pissed on than stood on and be pissed off of. 
and to quote Mad Magazines Alfred E. Neuman
“Learn from the mistakes of others, you’ll never live long enough to make them all yourself.”
“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.”
-Douglas Adams
Party on, Garth!
Drink no wine before its time… or some such thing.
All I ever needed to know, I learned in kindergarten.
Here, Here!
The crux of the matter…
Dilbert?