Online friendships turned weird

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have this online friend. He and I have been good friends for nearly three years. I really care about him, but just as a friend.

So, fast forward to the past two weeks. He invites me out to visit him. I say I’d really dig it, and I will as soon as I can afford it.

All of a sudden, boom, it’s all about sex. That’s all he can talk about, how horny he is, hinting that he wants netsex and then more when I visit him.

Sheesh, when I met this guy, he was the uberchristian. No drugs, no alcohol, no desire for sex before marriage. As of now, he’s done pot, become quite the drunk, and turned into a total horndog. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I’m an occasional user of both marijuana and alcohol, and I’m certainly not the virginal prude type. But damn, when you’ve been good friends with someone, online or not, for nearly three years, and have had discussions about how neither of us would ever care to try a long distance relationship, and how incredibly silly netsex is, how wrong is this?

Man…I guess I’m just a bit depressed about it. We had such a great friendship, I felt like I could tell him anything, and now he’s becoming the very internet sterotype that I avoid like the plague. A lot of the reason I liked him so much is because he was so different, so strictly Christian, but yet he was funny, and intelligent, and interesting.

He actually said to me tonight, after some heavy hinting at his desire for netsex, that “if I won’t do it, he’ll go and find someone who will.”

So, I confront him about it. He says he’s just acting weird because of all the stress in his life. He complains and bitches about how depressed he is all the time, and when I suggest that he see someone about it, he says, “no, I can handle it.” So now he’s starting with the guilt tripping. This is completely blowing my mind.

Has anyone else had a really wonderful online friendship just suddenly go south like this?

2

Yes. Several times. I think the best one was the chick who managed to fool a whole mailing list that there were 6 other people talking to them, including two guys. Was DAMN interesting when we found out the truth. (And I was flirting with one of the guys! Sheesh! Also had some VERY bad experiences that I won’t share. Sorry, too personal. But know yer not alone.

Also, a word of advice…if he’s acting all weird, DO NOT GO SEE HIM. This, of course, comes from the girl who is currently trying to figure out when she can afford a flight to see someone she knows online. rolls eyes But my point is this…visiting someone you know through words only requires a LOT of trust. If he’s changed recently, that trust isn’t as strong, and you have to decide if you still want to see him. You wouldn’t let a RL friend do this, yes? Online friends are no different.

Just my $.02.

3

No, I’ve never had this happen to me. But then I’ve never (in 10 years on the internet) had an important friend that I only knew from the internet; I barely form emotional bonds to people I know IRL, so it ain’t gonna happen on the net.

Whoops, wandering.

Anyway, my point is that I agree with Falcon on this. If you are at all unsure about him do not go and see him. If you are hoping to salvage the friendship and maybe see him at a later date make excuses if you want.

If you have to travel to see him you are pointing yourself at a major disadvantage should things get seriously weird or dangerous.

4

I had an internet friend. She was a lesbian from Melbourne.

Only, when I moved to Melbourne, I discovered two very interesting things: 1) she wasn’t a lesbian at all, and 2) neither was she a woman.

We’re still good friends though. He’s an okay guy aside from that stupid online persona he wove.

(is ‘wove’ a word?) (weaved?)

Anyway, this total personaity change is a danger sign, especially this extreme, especially when you don’t like what he’s saying, subject matter, determination to seek sex… all very risky.

Are you sure it’s really the same guy? Maybe this is a different person who has somehow taken over the computer from this first guy?

I dunno. All a bit odd really.

5

“if I won’t do it, he’ll go and find someone who will.”

Grand! Tell him to have at it!

From personal experience: It is very easy for email and phone conversations to seem intimate. You feel like you really know this person but the sad truth is: Face to face conversation is a whole different ball game.

I know from my own experience where a person I considered a potential SO wanted to “just try” phone sex. I reluctantly gave in. Once I gave in it became the very focus of the whole phone relationship even though I wasn’t that much into it.

It really made me mad that it became this whole, “come on, just for me” and “I’m sooo horny for you” thing. I had to make up very silly reasons why I didn’t want to because if I was just honest and said, “no, I don’t want to” I got the guilt trip in spades.

Yes, eventually, I realized that anyone who would guilt me into phone sex or any other kind of sex wasn’t worth the very water housed in their body. Or my time.

I would suggest to you to hold true to yourself. If you don’t want to do this, don’t. If this person will not respect your choice, they are not your friend or your lover.

Lovers communicate honestly. They shouldn’t have to lie or cajole or force or guilt you into doing things you do not want to do.

I guess I seem a bit angry. I am. I got suckered into something that hurt someone else and I feel like a total shit for being blinded in the first place. I sure as hell should have known better.

If he was always just a friend and is now pulling this on you I have to echo Falcon: do not, under any circumstances, go and see him.

You think the guilt is bad now? Just shudder and die at what this person will pull on you in a real life situation.

Sorry for the anger. Just be true to you.

6

Brilliant, Byz. I second this quote with all my heart, and the weight of painful experience behind it.

7

Double echo here. I agree totally with Byz and Falcon on this one. When it becomes so challenging that you arent sure who this person really is anymore, did you ever really know the true “him” to begin with?

If stress in his life caused him to harass you to do something you weren’t comfortable with and then when you wouldnt, caused him to “go find someone who will”, is it really worth it? Not by my standards. I’m no prude but I also was one who was suckered in by someones words and believe me, in the long run, its not worth losing your dignity and self respect over.

8

Thank you Falcon. That quote is the same for a friend.

I consider you an on-line friend and I cannot imagine you lying, cajoling, forcing me or guilting me into doing anything I do not want to do. As my friend, you respect my boundaries. Yes, I’m a sex obsessed mouthy poster with an attitude that at times is too big for my britches but I don’t EVER do those things to anyone else.

I guess I’m just spewing because they were done to me. No, I’m spewing because I LET someone do that to me. It makes me angry that in a moment of weakness, I gave in.

I guess I just don’t want anyone else to just “give in” because it seems the easy choice to make.

“If you make yourself a doormat, how can you be offended when someone wipes their feet on you?”

I don’t know it that’s really my own quote or not. But I believe in it. Don’t make yourself a doormat.

P.S. Falcon is a hippy. She is! She took a ride just the other day in my magical ‘68 VW bus! Come on, hon, let’s go worship dirt together!

9

Byz -

Once again, I understand more than you know. sad smile But I’m not gonna hijack the thread, except to hope that Mishell listens to her own heart and does what SHE wants. I don’t want anyone else to have the pain I did.

And worship dirt??? I’d LOVE to! Lemme go find my magical flowers! :slight_smile:

10

CanadianSue – you are a stronger woman than I. My respect for you has grown in ways that no one else here can comprehend. I think you are a better person than I as you have the spirit of true forgiveness within you for another’s very sad, very pathetic, folly. I consider you another friend. I dare hope you feel the same toward me.

11

Byz if you would put your friggen email back on or mail me I would harass you lol. I long ago lost your mail when I crashed, or rather, my puter crashed :wink:

12

I say you do him.

Well, hell, somebody had to speak up from the male perspective!! :smiley:

Yer pal,
Satan

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13

Let me tell you about on-line obsession!

I correspond on line with a woman, it wouldn’t be fair to tell you her real name so let’s call her Peregrine.

She’s not only blown me off twice in real life she’s gotten all weird on me on line too. First she promises to do this write up on the… um… “Male Things” thread, but she never delivers! She lords her procrastination over me till I sucumb and admit that “yes” she hasn’t had enough time.

An incessant tease, Peregrine flirts with everyone on the board, dashing my meager expectations upon the rocks. Promised “hugs” and “smooches” have never materialized – never mind that I’m deployed.

She stalks me, often posting right after me. She seeks me out – always taunting, picking – exhorting the rest of my on-line buds to unneccesary smiley use.

She has fomented a social coup, effetively becoming the titullar head of an upcoming Dopefest. Chastising me for my inefficiency in planning said gathering, I must now cuccumb to her expectations.

She proclaims “Hippie-dom” as her own personal fiefdom, yet can’t tell the difference between the Dead and the Jerry Garcia Band.

Oh yes. She listens to her own heart and has left behind her an eternally long wake of the crushed hopes and expectations of her on line suitors – mine included.

One positive thing, though. Peregrine can take a joke… I hope!

14

Peregrine…
::thumbs through dictionary::

OH!

Say, ChiefScott, I got one of these. Her name is “AudreyK”.

Any of you Dopers out there seen “Peregrine” and AudreyK at the same place at the same time??

Just curious.

15

Something told me to read this thread next.

ChiefScott, pay no attention to this fellow here. yanks DRY by his choke chain

This Peregrine person sounds a lot closer to that DRY character than that sweet girl Audrey.

16

Oh, I wasn’t talking about YOU, dear, I was talking about this horrible other person. Her name is…um… “TAWDRY-K”

[sub]Chief, wanna trade Peregrine for this one?[/sub]

17

That’s it. You’re sleeping with the shackles on tonight. Heh heh.

18

Shackles? Never heard of her!

19

Audrey and my posts to this thread are clearly an excellent example of an online friendship turned weird, no?

20

The OP! Sorry.

Mishell, may I ask how you met this guy?