Okay, well, recently I got a girlfriend (Wipe that smile off your face, stranger things have happened. Well…not much), and her father, who is creepy in and of himself, sent me THIS. Sure, it’s funny, but I’m worried. Anyway, here you are…
Application to Date My Daughter
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, school history, job history, ancestral lineage, DMV printout, and a current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________
HEIGHT_________ WEIGHT_________ IQ___________ GPA____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #______________ DRIVERS LICENCE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_______________________________________
HOME ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE____________ ZIP_______
Do you have ONE female and ONE male parent?____________________________
If NO, please explain_____________________________________________
Number of years they have been married _______________________________
If less than your age, explain _____________________________________
Do you own a van? ___________ A truck with oversized tires? _______________
A waterbed? _________ A pickup with a mattress in the back? _________________
A condom? ____________ Pronography? ______________ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? _____________ A tattoo?________________
(IF YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?____________________________
In 50 words or less, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
Church you attend ______________________________________________________
How often you attend ____________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? __________ priest?______________
mother? ___________ parole officer?___________
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
C: A woman’s place is in the: _____________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:
NOTE: If answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to do IF you grow up? ____________________________________
What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _______________________________
Condoms come in packages of (circle one)
A: 3
B: 6
C: 9
D: 12
E: ALL OF THE ABOVE
How do you know? ______________________________________________________
I SWEAR THAT AL THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
Signature (that means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing black shirts and white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back).
Have a nice day.
(I don’t know whether to laugh or to run screaming into the woods. Any insights?)