As my children grow and advance in middle and high school I’m trying to collect thoughts and data to help me better communicate with my 14 yr old son and 10 yr old daughter. What is the prevailing attitude about engaging in oral sex?
Do you consider it sex or is it considered abstinence? Information about your age group and gender in any responses is helpful.
Sláinte and All the Best,
j.
Weird. Absolutely it’s sex - it’s a very intimate act. Sure, it might not cause pregnancy, but I guess I don’t see that fact as any reason to encourage it over actual penetration to kids that might not be emotionally prepared for sex anyway.
F, 28.
I vote sex but better than “regular” sex.
Hey, if they’re going to have sex, oral is the best way to go.
I would say that it is most definetly sex. Just picture two people locked in a 69 position on a shag carpet before you argue against that.
Male. White. Southern. 31. Eposcopalian. Married. Father. Gemini.
I vote “sex” also. While I wouldn’t necessarily consider it a loss of virginity, it’s not abstinence. You CAN still get some STD’s from it, even if you can’t get pregnant.
also, while oral sex = sex, oral sex also = awesome!
Yeah, I definitely consider oral sex (or any other genital contact for that matter) to be sex. I could see arguing that if a teenager must engage in sex, oral sex is vastly preferable to intercourse due to having no risk of pregnancy, but I would not consider someone experienced in oral sex to be abstaining or a virgin.
Oh, and I am a 21 (almost 22) year old female.
How is it not sex if it has sex right in the name?
M, mid-30s, still a virgin if non-procreative sex doesn’t count
Marketing
I’d say for most purposes it’s sex. So is stimulating another person’s erogenous parts with your fingers. In some meaningful sense, so is cybersexing with someone via instant messaging.
It would be useful if you were to go into your reasons for wanting to make the distinction. Is the focus of the talk to be reproduction risks, other health risks, emotional involvement risks, discussion of the intensity of carnal lusts, sex as a part of ongoing relationships, whether or not behavior is in adherence to an institutional chastity code, defining child molestation, setting down the rules for your house, or what?
Well, according to Clinton it doesn’t count.
Personally, I’d say that there are varying degrees of sex. And I would think the best way to categorize them is by level of risk. Vaginal intercourse is the highest risk, because there’s the risk of pregnancy as well as STDs. Anal and oral have the risk of STDs, but not the risk of pregnancy. Outercourse, or sex without penetration, is safer still. If I were a parent (and I hope to be someday), I’d much rather have my kids doing that than riskier forms of sex. I’d still want to encourage them not to do anything before they’re emotionally ready, and not to do it on the spur of the moment without really thinking about it. But I think some teens aren’t very aware of the many levels of interaction between kissing and sex, and I’d guess that this lack of knowledge is more likely to make them go too far rather than stop sooner. Sites like the one I linked to (which is aimed at teens) seem like a good resource.
Male, mid-20s.
As every seventeen year old saving themselves for marriage and Bill Clinton know - its not sex.
As every gay or lesbian person who doesn’t engage in procreative sex knows - absolutely - its sex.
There is a very interesting essay written by a woman who is trying to count her sex partners. She says, basically, its much easier to count if what you count is intercourse. If you start counting oral sex, or manual sex, or phone sex or … well, the line can get really hard to find.
I guess that would make your shag nasty . . . .
Come on, somebody had to say it! 
I agree that it is sex.
Contact with another person’s naughty bits in any manner, for the purpose of getting jollies, is sex. This definition rules out medical exams and airport security gropings, but includes oral and manual.
AHunter3, thank you for asking those questions; I should have better explained my intentions with my query.
I have read and heard anecdotal information that middle and high school kids do not view oral sex as sex and that fellatio is a quite popular these days. My son has his first girlfriend and I am having “The TALK” with him in stages as needed; they have only gone to the movies once. Next up will be my daughter
Are the focus of the talks to be:
reproduction risks – Yes
other health risks – Yes, STD’s are not something I want either to obtain.
emotional involvement risks – Yes, though I have not yet done that assessment
discussion of the intensity of carnal lusts – yes as a way of discussing what they may be going through
sex as a part of ongoing relationships – Yes, as time marches on and the situation warrants
whether or not behavior is in adherence to an institutional chastity code – Not really
defining child molestation – No, hopefully not
setting down the rules for your house – Yes, although my wife and I have not yet discussed that topic.
Well, in my opinion masturbation is sex (even if an imperfect form), so oral sex definitely is. Bill Clinton was stretching the truth a bit, and if the junior senator from New York gave or received oral sex to or from a work colleague, I’m sure that Bill would think that Hillary was taking part in sex and being unfaithful to him.
M, 43, S
And let’s stop the wiseacre references to Bill Clinton – legalese is a different dimension of the universe than that inhabited by the OP’s teens (BC didn’t just pull that out of his hat).
Let’s start with the obvious: anything beyond masturbation, where you are actually making another person get off or having it done unto you, through contact with the appropriate body parts, is NOT “abstaining”. If you have a split of wine with dinner, but don’t get ripped on a fifth of Jack, you still cannot say “you don’t drink”.
The question in the general culture, particularly for teens, has always been then to reach some consensus as to acceptable degrees of such contact, between just affectionate holding and full-on intercourse “with 4-part harmony and 27 8x10 glossies”. In that particular realm, “prevailing attitudes” are and have been hard to nail down. They vary within subsets of the culture. Heck, there are groups among which oral contact is considered something you progress to beyond intercourse. So it’s definitely in the “sex” department.
Now, the individual should decide what level of sexual contact is right for him/her, and if some want to be casual about it, it’s their choice – but that should be an informed choice. “Oral isn’t real”, as mentioned, overlooks that though there is not the risk of pregnancy, there are still the risks of disease, of messy emotional entanglement, and of abusive/exploitive situations. Darn real if you ask me. So the OPs real task is to have his kids become informed of that – and as it’s likely (almost certain, for the 14y/o) that they already at least heard of the “oral isn’t real” meme, it’ll involve some heavy mythbusting.
personall i think the word sex means different physical intimacy depending on the person. i would say that oral sex is sex as the person recieving must feel confident and comfortable as well as the peron performing it. i think oral sex makes an active and healthy sex life better and greater.
i think if you ask people my age (17) then they will also agree that oral sex is very important in a relationship.
that really should be personally
lol
that does not mean im wrong!!! lol
Might I suggest that the only two people whom it’s really important to ask are the OPs son and daughter (and I suppose their boy or girlfriends, but I don’t think most parents would tread there.) Come straight out and say, “Gee, Bobby, we were talking on the Dope today and I wanted to ask you - do you think oral sex is real sex?” This may take him off guard for a bit, but you’ll find out the only answer that really matters: his. It will also provide a good segueway into further discussions re: emotional intimacy vs. physical intimacy and safer sex procedures.
Repeat as needed and when appropriate with girlchild. Beware, this may be sooner than you’d like. I was experimenting with oral stimulation at about 14, and I was a “boring, nerdy kid.” I didn’t get invited to the really good make-out parties that started when we were about 12. I think it’s better to have The Talk before there’s an actual Girlfriend With Boobies clouding the picture. YMMV.