:eek: You know that the only common denominator here is you, right? Not that you deserve to have people be mean to you and treat you poorly, but eventually you have to stop blaming the guys and the other women and figure out why you’re choosing such losers in the first place.
As an aside, I don’t think SHAKES was trying to be mean, I think he was saying that most younger men (ie <25) prefer really thin women - I’ve certainly found this to be true a lot of the time (not ALL the time, but a lot of the time).
If this isn’t working for you, perhaps you need to try something else?
Work on YOU and do stuff that YOU like etc. Find some female friends–not all (not even alot) of us are predatory bitches. Get busy with your life, and if you are everything you say you are–the guys will flock to you.
Oh puleeze.
Give me a break.
Don’t you honestly think that perhaps,just perhaps ZipperJJ shares some responsibilty for selecting a certain type of men -5 or 6 different times.
Do you really think that the entire problem is evil other women hell bent on destroying her relationships?
I got really annoyed when I read posts like ZipperJJ for two reasons:
I have a difficult time with people that repeat the same self-defeating patterns in relationships but refuse to accept that they bear some responsibilty for their own problems.
I really really dislike seeing men portrayed as hapless fools ruled by their penises and/or as so stupid that they’re easily manipulated by female emotional chicanery.
It’s insulting to the men I know.
It’s so obvious. Every man is scared of being caught by the Zipper even if the last time it happened you were three years old you remember that pain forever. Maybe if JJ became a button fly we wouldn’t feel so much at risk
P.S. Why don’t I meet people like ZipperJJ here in California ?
Well it IS the Pit. I could be all “Men are such pigs/jerks/idiots” but I figured it’s been done to death And I’m sure men have pitted women for the same thing. Thought I’d mix it up a bit
SHAKES is kind of right. But I meant “petite” as in short, tiny. Some of these girls are fat like me but seems I got the short end of the stick by not only being blessed with bigness in a horizontal AND vertical kind of way. I’m only 5’8" but looking around at other girls this makes me feel like more of a big monster.
I dunno. I think my problem right NOW is that I am trying to be the best I can be. Trying to change my size (I’ve lost 90 of the 150 lbs i’ve got to lose) and not feel so bad about myself. So in an effort to not be a depressed person I’ve got to step back and check out why I can’t seem to get myself into something serious and meaningful - meaningful for the BOTH of us. All I came up with is that other women keep coming around and making guys paranoid from the get go, or somehow swoosh by and are more attractive or something than I am and I get left in a lurch.
I’m trying, I really am. But sometimes just have to vent. You guys should know that a person’s own feelings about love and relationships NEVER seems rational to anyone else.
Knowwhatimean?
Oh and by the way when I was composing the OP in my head I had MEANT to put a little disclaimer about how I am sure all of the women on this board are top-notch and really cool, and I have no beef with them (I don’t) but the words start a’flowin’ and I didn’t feel like editing it as such. heh
[slight hijack]
I’d just like to say that this is great advice. Even if it’s not helpful to Zipper, I want you to know it’s helpful to me. This is the attitude my S.O. has towards our relationship but I still feel bouts of insecurity, often. He’s just the best guy I’ve ever been with so I’m constantly afraid of “losing” him. Hard to believe but I actually never thought about it in a “best friend” light. It really does change my perspective. [/slight hijack]
As to the OP, I’ve really got to agree with everyone else here. The one common denominator with these guys is you. You come across as having a slight Florance Nightengale syndrome. You like to go for the “wounded” type, determined to “fix” them. They’d be perfect if it wasn’t for the damage those damn bitches did to 'em, right? But as soon as you mend those wounds those men will be golden!
Honey, it aint happening. You can’t fix anyone. That’s one piece of advice I think every woman hears at least a dozen times in her life but needs to experience to really believe it. You can’t. Everyone’s personal trips are just that, their personal trips. No one else is solely to blame and no one else can fix them but that person. When they’re ready. You’re not going to be anyone’s hero. If you ever stop and find yourself thinking “if they could just…” stop. Just stop. If you’re not willing to accept someone the way they are, it’s best to just let them go.
I also found your self descriptor of “mellow”, interesting. I think it could be interpreted as “doormat” in a different light. If you constantly let everything go and are too scared to put your foot down regarding certain behaviors because you’re afraid it’ll scare someone off, they’re going to leave. No one likes a doormat. Doormats are boring. You can’t respect a doormat and you can’t stay with someone you don’t respect.
Just remember, you’re only treated how you allow yourself to be treated. You act like a doormat, that’s how you’re going to be treated. You keep going for the same type of guy, you’ll keep experiencing the same outcome. The only thing you have control over in this situation is your own actions. So if you want the situation to change, you’ve got to change yourself. It’s really all you can do.
Sounds simple but it’s so true.
I used to agonize over my relationships until I figured out that there was nothing I could do to make a man stay-he either liked me and wanted me or he didn’t
When I met my husband, I suddenly stopped worrying about if I was pretty enough or sexy enough or funny enough or smart enough and relaxed.
He was, first and foremost,a very good friend and ultimately became my best friend. Best friends (at least in my experience) aren’t lured away by emotional trickery or the lure of quick sexual escapades.
I had the same problem–not cheating, but that I’d be so scared of losing him that I’d become so clingy and needy that he’d have no choice but to run screaming for the hills. I also had a pattern of picking guys who were wrong for me just because they were there and I didn’t want to be alone. ZipperJJ, I hope you can see that it’s not your fault that those guys were shits, but it was an error of judgment on your part to choose them. And it’s certainly not the fault of the other women, either, they were shits all on their own.
It sounds cliche, but you need to be comfortable with who you are before you start worrying about getting someone else into a serious relationship with you. Think about it. If you are in the midsts of losing weight, shaking depression, becoming someone YOU like, the guy you are with doesn’t know what he’ll end up with at the end of the process. It isn’t about the superficial things like weight (because when you do find THE GUY and put back on 100 of those pounds, he will still be there loving and supporting), but you sound like the weight is a symptom of the deeper stuff.
I know overweight women who have been in long term loving relationships with great men. I know skinny women who self destruct their relationships with doubt and self loathing.
Do you ever read Savage Love? Dan Savage writes about his take on that idea every so often.
I don’t agree that a decent partner is obligated to stay with someone who gains a hundred pounds. Call me shallow if you must, but I wouldn’t feel any particular obligation to be with someone I was no longer physically attracted to. I don’t think it’s asking a lot to expect each partner to take care of themself.
Personally, I am fine with guys not liking overweight girls. If they don’t want me cuz I’m fat well then that’s cool. Thanks for being honest. Don’t talk to me ever again
I didn’t say that. I said when she finds THE GUY he won’t care.
You may care, but if you do, you aren’t THE GUY for me. Doesn’t mean you aren’t a decent human being. Means you are the wrong person for me.
Actually, it probably wouldn’t impact you and me, I’ve been lucky enough to have never been over my “weight band” for my height - once or twice close to it. But I have a “skinny” metabolism and I’d have to be ill before I’d gain a lot of weight. And if you leave me when I’m ill, you aren’t THE GUY for me (and you might be pushing that decent hman being thing). Fortunately, I’m pretty sure I found my own Mr. Right - celebrating ten years of marriage in a few weeks.
Dan Savage has a problem with fat people, and this is the second time today I’m mentioning that. He is really funny and bitingly accurate. But tolerance for obesity isn’t his thing.
You think? I’ve never noticed anything that seems unfair. What has he said?
Frankly, I agree with the general notion that physical attraction is relevant, and it’s human nature that dramatically altering your appearance can change whether someone’s attracted to you. Lotta years ago, a man wrote to Ann Landers. He was a “chubby chaser” and he was upset at his wife for losing 75 pounds. Same deal.
I mean, we all age and begin to fall apart. I’m not saying it’s fine for a dude to leave his wife because she turns forty. I just think there’s also some responsibility to keep yourself together.
Now see, that’s just it. Right now, you don’t need to get yourself into anything serious and/or meaningful. You need to learn to be happy just by yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to turn into a hermit, just that you aren’t really ready for a relationship right now.
No, Slyfrog, one who doesn’t automatically say, “Oh, she’s a fatty-then no guy’s going to want her.” That’s insulting to women AND men. EVERYONE has a different idea of what is attractive. What one person finds totally hot, another person is repulsed by.
