But that’s what I don’t get. How can a wedding be a party? You don’t have a party where everyone has to go sit in seats, be quiet, and watch something else happening. Are people actually combining the reception and the wedding, like dinner and a show where the wedding is the show?
Even if it’s not about family, weddings are inherently formal. They only exist for formal reasons. Otherwise you’d just sign a document and go. It’s even in the terminology–it’s a wedding ceremony.
It seems more like people think “formal” means “no kids,” not because they see the wedding as a party.
I’ve been to two weddings that specified no kids. One was out of town, and my partner stayed home with my daughter because I was closer to the couple in question and we couldn’t afford for us both to travel there. There was one kid there, but it was a very small baby who couldn’t really have been left, so I understood.
The other wedding was more recent. I did message my friend to ask whether the no kids rule included my daughter, because she’s 16. My daughter knows one of the people getting married fairly well and would have liked to have gone, so it was worth clarifying. My friend got annoyed and thought I was asking for a special exception, but really it was because they didn’t specify an age and 16 might not have been what they meant - it’s not an age where she’s going to be running around annoying people or put people off getting drunk because there’s a kid around, so it seemed a reasonable question to me. Anyway, I went alone, no problems, and it was a good wedding.
So I think “no kids” rules should specify the age just to prevent misunderstandings.
I prefer weddings with kids because it’s a family/community occasion, to me, but if it’s not my wedding then my preferences aren’t what matters.
I’m not sure how much more context I can provide, not bring privy to the inner workings of the offender’s mind.
Wedding guest was peeved about our no kids request. She showed up with her kids plus some of her neighbors’ kids after having initially declined the invitation quite rudely while chastising us for not including kids.
I just meant, I would like to hear the whole story. Your relation to the offender, the things she said, whether or not Her Widdle Pwecious is generally ill-behaved, that sort of thing.
I barely knew her or their kids at all; she was the wife of someone my now-husband worked with. Her husband was called out of town to conduct training at another office, which was the actual reason they declined, though she was really snotty about our “no kids” request. I don’t know what her kids were like on their own, but in the pack she brought they ran wild, which I’m sure was the point of bringing them.
That was my only interaction with her. They moved not long after. No idea what the husband thought of it all, since between the time the invitations went out and the wedding rolled around, he and my husband were working in different departments.
On the up side, both of my parents are teachers and between them and their friends, there were enough teacher-death-glares that the vile cow decided she didn’t need to stay long at the reception.
I’m definitely more likely to decline, not out of offense but because when you have kids, you don’t get to go out as much so the go/no-go threshold is higher and weddings don’t always make the cut. Even more so if it’s out of town. Overnights away from the kids are a very rare indulgence and I’m not going to blow it on buffet food accompanied by “All the Single Ladies” at excessive volume. Nothing personal.
One option that isn’t on there is for the primary invitee to attend solo. We’ve done that a few times, particularly for out-of-town weddings for family or close friends where one or the other of us really wants to be there.
You do have to mention to turn off cell phones. Because people don’t. So sometimes you have to explicitly say other things that you think should be obvious matters of etiquette.
Exactly. Kids do not belong at a function where a lot of alcohol is being served. People get drunk and loud. I can’t imagine what parent would want their kids to see that.
When I think about how long some people have been idealizing/planning their wedding day, and how much money they are willing to shell out to make it happen, I don’t blame them for not extending invitations to children.
Some weddings/receptions are informal, low-costs affairs. And some are not. The bride and groom shouldn’t have to worry about whether someone’s kids can sit through 30 minutes of vows, or whether those more used to chicken nuggets and Luncheables will be cool with lobster and steak.
I’m also fine with people factoring in the costs of babysitting when deciding how much to spend on a wedding gift, though.
Seems like the last few weddings I’ve attended, the celebrant will begin with “turn off the cell phones now.” Still doesn’t work.
Reception dinners–even buffets–are horribly expensive, and generally the food is not kid-friendly. I’m of the “cover your plate” philosophy for gifts. Why would I have to run up our present cost by 50+%
That said, I don’t see a huge problem with bringing dead-certain well-behaved kids to the church service, and using the time between the service and reception to relocate them back home or at a sitters.
Perhaps not so much now, but when I was a kid (in a family that didn’t invite children to weddings), a wedding typically had a church service that was over 1 hour long, and then a formal dinner party that started later in the evening. I don’t think it was that people didn’t think kids were part of families, but more that the combination of long church service + late night meant that it didn’t even occur to people that weddings might have child guests. And the one time I was a flower girl, I went to the church service, and then, along with the ring bearer, made an appearance at the dinner and was then sent home to grandma’s house while my parents stayed at the wedding.
Gifts should be whatever you can afford and think is appropriate for the people you are giving them to. I have been to weddings given by people who could spend a lot more per guest than I could spend on a gift, and the reverse has also been true.
Our daughter is 9 months, we don’t really have regular “date night” babysitters yet so I would probably send my husband by himself, if it’s his side, or go by myself if it’s my side. If my husband is working (most likely, he works weekends) then I would probably just not go. I enjoy weddings, but honestly it’s not such a big deal that I’d go to the trouble of getting a sitter (especially if our go-to family members will be at the wedding). There only are a handful of people whose wedding I need to attend … and all of them are already married. Everyone else: I’m honored to be invited, and I don’t assume they’ll be that upset if I don’t make it.
I despise kids with the power of a million burning suns, so if I were to decide to get married, it would most definitely be a no-kids affair.
Certain weddings are simply places where kids don’t belong, along with any restaurant not named Chuck E. Cheese.
This past summer I attended an outdoor wedding where, during the ceremony, someones little precious decided that they were bored and it would be fun to run back and forth along a half wall directly behind the bride and groom while they reciting their vows. This continued for a half minute or so until the embarrassed parent could corral their little semen stain and return to their seat. If I were the groom, I would have been mad at myself for not having a trained sniper on hand to take down little Billy before he got behind the pastor during his little show of athleticism.