Parents: What Are Your Rules for Your Preschoolers?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Good question. I thought about the rules in our house, and they seem to break down into

  1. Don’t hurt people, including yourself.
  2. Don’t hurt things.
  3. Use good manners.

Rule #1 covers things like “no jumping on the bed” and “no playing on the steps” and “don’t hit/bite/scratch your sister” and “play nicely with the kitty.”
Rule #2 covers things like “we color only on paper, not on the walls” and “stop playing in the sink - you’re flooding the bathroom” and “we don’t throw things inside the house.”
Rule #3 has been the hardest one to police lately because 4yr and 2yr olds don’t always grasp the concept of civility, but we’re working on it. It covers “don’t interrupt when Daddy is on the phone,” “use your inside voice - you can yell outside, within reason,” "don’t talk with your mouth full, " and “we don’t put our feet on the dinner table.”

The problem is that children are not half as logical as we hope they will be. I was going to say they’re not logical at all, but that’s not true. They DO understand logic such as, “Dad is a pushover so I’m going to have him tuck me into bed instead of Mom because I know I can con Dad into reading me three more stories and getting me a glass of water, where Mom will only tuck me in, tell me I’ve had enough stories and enough to drink, and walk out of the room.” And 2yr old logic works more like, “My sister has that toy. I want that toy. If I bite her, she will let go of the toy.” In the process, she completely forgets the bit about “if I bite my sister, I will have to go sit in time out, which sucks.”

To train them requires constant vigillance. It requires reminding the darling heathens of the rules over and over and over and over and over until something sinks in. (They have very thick skulls to protect them when they fall off the bed. Again.) And applying appropriate punishments when necessary. And recognizing and commenting when they DO manage to remember the rules. (“Thank you for being so quiet and patient while I was on the phone. Now what did you want to tell me?”) And it’s that constant vigillance that wears parents down bit by sanity reducing bit.

22

And to think I’d like 4 of the blighters. :slight_smile: You know, it really sounds like you need a break. Could you get one or the other set of grandparents to look after them for a long weekend? Then you and your partner can discuss things without distractions and have some proper ‘us time’.

23

Bear in mind that a 4-year old has only slightly more practical understanding of the world than a very smart dog; adjust training models accordingly.

I don’t mean this as an insult AT ALL - what I am trying to say is that you must REWARD GOOD BEHAVIOR PROMPTLY; DISCIPLINE SPARINGLY BUT IMMEDIATELY; and most of all BE REPETITIVE AND CONSISTENT.

24

Yes YesYesYes!!!

You’re absolutely correct.

Oftentimes I do a great job of finding the joy - I never post about that, because it’s so personal and would be terribly tedious to read. But those times happen here, a lot, I’m right there with you on that. I find my children beautiful and fascinating people.

They’re just insane.

Walking in the door, covered in mud? Not that big a deal, brush it off. That’s why the Good Lord invented linoleum.
So next they run through the house, finding the carpet and the couch and the clean clothes.
They ratchet up the stakes until it’s REALLY outrageous, and I DO react.

This constant need to react-react-react is exhausting. It just never stops.
But that’s the job - no set of “perfect” rules can eliminate it.

Plus I never wanted to be one of those vague-eyed parents you see at the grocery store who just “ummm hmmmm” to their kids.
I try to listen, take an interest, have a dialogue, answer their questions.
After repeating myself twice, though, I just say (sweetly, if possible) “What did I just tell you?”
Oh, and it didn’t help that my absolute BITCH of a Mother-in-law was here this weekend, sapping joy from everyone’s lives (and it was MY stupid idea to haul her misanthropic ass to town for a visit - my husband can’t stand her, but I felt sorry for her hateful self). The kids kept interrupting me (“I want!” “She took!” “Where’s my?” “He!” “WAAAAAAH”) as I was trying to make mondo-sized portions of dinner for the Supper Swap club, and I remarked that THAT makes it difficult to cook.

She immediately chimes in about how SHE made dinner EVERY night, while holding a BABY on one HIP.
Sorry for venting, I’ve veered into LJ territory here (for additional reasons that I’ll omit - you’re right Quartz, and kind to say so; there are some other problems however).
I’ll just try to remember this thread when they’re 20 and some harried young mom posts a complaint and I start to tell her to “Enjoy them while they’re young.” :stuck_out_tongue:

25

The only appropriate response to this is a feigned misunderstanding: You brighten up, hand her the spatula, and say, “Oh my gosh, thank you SO MUCH for offering to make dinner for us! It’s so nice to hear someone say they understand how difficult it is with kids around!” Exit stage right.

As for the preschoolers, there’s been mucho good advice in the thread already. About the only thing I have to add is, you’re not going to be a perfect parent, so don’t beat yourself up when you do something less than perfect. Second, limit your kids’ opportunities to be destructive. When they race into the house all muddy, stop them at the door and tell them to take all of the muddy clothes off RIGHT THERE. Don’t leave the toothpaste out where they can get it. Put breakables up high. And if they puncture their bouncy ball with something sharp, well, the lesson there is, “When I puncture my bouncy ball with something sharp, I don’t have a working bouncy ball anymore.” Not your problem.

I’d say that it gets better as they get older, but really it just gets different. :slight_smile:

26

:smiley: :cool:

hannibal lecter/

You’re goooooood!

27

Oh, just by repetition and example. We’d just weave it into the scolding. For example, for a while a “fun game” was “Let’s see how many toys and stuffed animals can we mound up in a big messy pile!” The scolding that went with that was accompanied by “Remember, don’t make work for other people! Now I have to help you clean this up. You made extra work for me.”

Someone else mentioned counting. We would use that too. If you’re consistent eventually all you have to do is say “one” and they stop what they’re doing.

Other things we did:

We tried to always give our kids warning that a transition was coming. For example, if we were at a play date we would go tell them, “We’re going to leave in five minutes … please finish up what you’re doing.” It’s amazing how much fussing your can avoid if you don’t switch gears too abruptly.

We tried to respond quickly to polite requests. A lot of times kids misbehave because they have to escalate to that level to get their parents’ attention. Our philosophy was that if we respond promptly the kids will have less opportunity to lay down unpleasant behavior patterns. Whining or impolite requests would be met with “Ask me in a way that makes me WANT to help you.”

28

It gets better eventually.

This morning my kids got up, picked out their own clothes, and got dressed without any prompting. My daughter had a little homework left from last night and she did it on her own without me having to remind her. The only order I had to give this morning was to tell them that it was time for us to leave for school.

Paying a lot of attention to your kids when they are little pays big dividends later when they are older.

29

Absolutely. I always gave my kids a warning when stuff is about to change. With my 8YO, I still do.

Amen! I taught early that “polite requests won’t always get you what you want, but whining and demanding will never get you what you want!”, and when the kids started whining, I would say “I’m sorry. I can’t understand you when you talk like that”.

30

Heh. I have no doubt this works IF the parents are consistent. When I was a kid, “Be ready to leave in five minutes” was consistently Mom-code for “Stop having fun and sit here listening to me talk to your friend’s parents about grownup crap for twenty minutes.” :rolleyes:

31

Maybe try keeping it a little simpler? “Always close the door before you use the garden hose.” “Check for mud and clean it off your shoes before you leave the laundry room” (or wherever it is that has the linoleum). It’s often better to just say what you want in simple terms rather than bemoaning the fact that “I shouldn’t have to tell them that” (this applies to spouses, too).

32

Yep, you’re right – what I did end up decreeing is that the hose must be used out in the yard, NOT on the deck.

I’m on the same page as you guys, really, all about those positive affirmations and problem-solving techniques. Giving them ample warning before changing tasks (cell phone alarms are perfect for this, BTW) and yet moving on to the next activity, rather than lingering while they whine.

Like I never say “Stay where I can see you”, it’s “Make sure you can see ME” (because how would they truly know that I can see them?). If they can’t do as I expect/need/ask, I try to find out why so I can work with them to remove the obstacle, and that usually succeeds.

It’s just SOME days, it’s TOO MUCH!

Today’s been a LOT better, they were cooperative and reasonable, took their baths without dumping tons of water on the floor, got themselves dressed, and got lots of cuddling and tickling. Sure, they ate too many pretzels, but so what; I know some peanut butter and chicken nuggets were consumed as well.

And now they’re at school and my house is quiet.

:slight_smile:

33

Man, I am right there with you. I have a 3 1/2 year old who is pushing, pushing, pushing his limits right now with me. Like you said, the constant need to reinforce, be consistent, etc. is exhausting. Since my second son was born 4 months ago, he is really needing more attention, and he will get it any way he can. If I cannot respond to him quickly enough, he will whine (dear god, the whining), scream at the top of his lungs, throw things, etc. I really work at giving him one on one time, but the problem is that my husband works second shift, and I work 3 days a week. That means every single evening I have dinner-cleanup-bedtime duty with both boys by myself, and I am trying to nurse a fussy baby and give my older son the attention he needs at the same time. It never seems to be enough for him, and he is regressing. Asking for help doing things he can do himself, whining, tantrums, etc. I know it is an attention thing, because he does much better on weekends when we are both home and he gets more time with one or both of us.

One thing I am trying now, is we have a white board with the house rules written on them. He was there when we wrote them down and he got to contribute his own. They are very general, like “Be Kind” “Use your words” or “No hitting” We have a happy face side, and a sad face side. When I see him behaving well, he gets a check on the happy side. Bad behaviors get a check on the sad side. 3 happy checks earns a reward (in our case, a token “treasure” that he puts in his treasure chest. When he earns all the treasure, he can trade them in to us for a special event.) 3 bad checks means a toy or tv time gets taken away for a day. This is in addition to an immediate time out if needed.

It’s not working perfectly, but it has helped a little. I think rewarding the good influences him more than punishing the bad. But we still have major meltdowns (this morning we had an all out tantrum and wailing, gnashing of teeth and rendering garments over yogurt, of al things) and sometimes just when I think things might be improving, it all goes to hell.

Now when he literally screams to get attention I just put him in his room until he calms down. Sometimes he is shrieking, throwing toys, etc, in there for half an hour but I can’t have him acting that way around the baby, and there is no reasoning with him when he gets that worked up. After he settles down I go in to talk to him. It is very grating, stressful, and tiresome though. He always seems very contrite and loving at the end, and apologizes and all. You think “hey, maybe he learned something” and the next day (or hour!) it all starts over again.

Find the joy is a good thing to remember. I love my kids and they are affectionate, kind and joyful, but they have some kind of “oh no” side as well.

Do you have friends in the area, or other moms with little ones you can get support from? I know I get so much sympathy and support from two of my best friends who also have little kids. I always feel better when I find out I am not the only one going through it (and that my kids are not the only ones acting this way.)

Hang in there - that’s what I keep telling myself too!

34

It must be harder with twins anyway. I am a twin myself and my sister and I are constantly bitching to each other about what a big whine bag our mom was back in the day about simple things like giggling too much and getting “snips” of paper all over the place - stuff that doesn’t bother us as moms at all. Of course, I have an only child and my sister’s boys are five years apart and so have never been tag teamed by toddlers. I’m sure that has nothing to do with why we can’t relate to our mom’s low tolerance level, circa 1967. :rolleyes:

35

Oh yeah - I didn’t mean to imply that you never enjoyed them. It just seemed like you were having one of those moments/days/weeks where really the only thing you can seem to think is “dear god what next?” Man I hate that feeling.

I use “find the joy” not so much as a directive but as a mantra. Like when they flood the bathroom for the 490th time and I want to go all “Carrie” on them, I just repeat “Find the joy. Find the joy. It’s there somewhere. Find the joy.”

36

This may not be of much help to you right this moment, but my kids are 11 and 16 now, and I was thinking the other day, “I wish I’d gotten them in the housework habits when they were little and wanted to help!”

I did have them help a little, but then it got to “it’s easier to just do it myself” and now they’re nearly grown and frequently it’s still easier to do it myself. If you can keep up with housework teaching, you’ll do them and yourself a favor down the road.

37

If kids cannot get positive attention, they will take negative attention ( IE: stop jumping on that couch! No writing on the wall! What are you doing with my sharpie!!!111!!!)
I always found that praising a child during the well behaved time ( playing nicely with someone else or by themselves. Helping out. Picking up after themselves…) seems to work better than screaming all the freaking day long about what THEY ARE DOING WRONG WRONG WRONG.
If kids are always on your last nerve or bothering you from, say, reading the paper/surfing the web/ making dinner/napping on the couch, maybe you need to spend less time doing ‘my time’ and give the child more face time.

38

Oh, hon, Velma (((((big hugs to you)))))). 3.5 can be a really TOUGH age - I remember when my son locked us all out of the house while he threw a GYNORMOUS fit indoors. And you with a baby, too! Kudos to you for keeping your wits about you and working towards good solutions. I’m glad you have good friends - I’ve been meeting more moms in my town, too. It’s slow going, we’re all so focused on our own offspring that our get-togethers aren’t all that interactive. But that’s the way to go.

Love it, Shellibean - I thought one had to purchase a good mantra, and here you go giving yours away for free!

Supernanny is on tonight, y’know, and Wife Swap! Opportunities to see OTHER PEOPLE making familiar mistakes.

Thanks for letting me vent here, folks, it’s really helpful. :slight_smile:

39

Everybody warned me about the 2’s, nobody said anything about the 3’s! 3 years old is much harder than 2! Now he is crafty and smarter but still not emotionally mature.

I recommend John and Kate Plus 8. I love Kate, and after watching her with her kids, I think…hey, at least I don’t have 8!

One of her older daughters has a temperment very similar to my son’s. (Mady, I think?) That poor child has to compete with 7 other siblings, though. I think my kid’s head would just explode if that happened to him.

40

My son informed me, a little while ago, and with real regret, that he forgot to turn the water off after washing his hands and “the water went up the sink and down and over! But I turned it off.”

The bathroom was one big puddle.
Water everywhere.
I was expecting Gene Kelley to come bounding out of the bathtub, umbrella in hand.

At least it happened today, and not yesterday. :smiley: :stuck_out_tongue:
John and Kate - wow - yes. Better them than me!
And yes, I agree, the three’s are tougher than the two’s.
You might enjoy this book.. Actually, PM me your addy and I’ll mail my copy to you!