I learned that here and it works beautifully with The Nephew (who may have come from the same pod as The Littlest Briston). But I also make it very clear when something is Not A Choice. His father will ask “do you need to go potty?” Bro, dear, he is playing - he will answer no unless he really, really, really, really needs it -nowwwwwwwwwwwwww! Me, I state “since we’re about to go out, let’s put you potty and get you changed into street clothes. Potty first, and then we choose what to wear.” He’ll say “don’ need potty,” I remind him that the last time he didn’t think he did but he did, he complies. Much easier for a 2.5yo to deal with than someone phrasing as a question something which isn’t. (The conversation is in Spanish, I know some of the turns of phrase don’t sound right in English)
That’s an excellent point, Nava. You can also make things like that appear to be a choice by saying “Would you like to go try to use the potty now, or after you get dressed?”
I do that when I want my youngest to do chores. If I say to her “Would you please collect up the dirty dishes?” it sounds like she has the option to say “No, thanks!” So I’ll say something like “I need you to gather up the dirty dishes; would you like to do that before you choose your snack, or after?”
It might not be a bad idea to make them help you clean up the messes they make. You got mud on the carpet/couch/whatever? You have to spend some time that you would otherwise have spent playing or watching TV (or whatever fun activity) helping Mommy clean it off. That might give them a more concrete reason not to run around the house when they’re muddy, if they know that if they do they will have to clean up when they’d rather be playing.
I’ve done that with my nieces. OK, let’s put Polly Pocket away before we dump the dress up clothes on the floor. I sit on floor next to the bin, but only put Polly Pocket stuff away as long as I’ve got help. Under the right circumstances,* I’ll do the picking up part as well, but if the official activity is clean up time, Aunt Eureka is not cleaning up single handedly.
*Chiefly, if Mommy or Daddy asks me to help pick up so that it gets done completely–Mommy likes to sit in a living room with no toys in sight from time to time. Toys may be brought in, they are just supposed to be stored in other rooms.
We have three boys, now ages 11, 8 and 5. We’ve found these rules have served us well:
-
Papa and Mama are in charge. If you get permission from one, you don’t need to get it from the other - but if you are told “No” by one, don’t ask the other. (We always strive to maintain a divided front).
-
We will consult the boys when the situation and the time permit, and we like to let the kids make decisions from among options which are all acceptable to us (“Between X, Y and Z, where would you like to go to dinner tonight/what would you like to wear today/which movie should we watch?”).
-
Spanking is rare, but is assured for serious and purposeful wrongdoing. I’m absolutely convinced that a little spanking now and then for a young child, where appropriate, will avert major disciplinary problems down the road. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
-
Be patient, kind and helpful to others, especially your brothers.
-
Don’t make fun of how people look or talk, esp. your brothers.
-
Don’t do anything to endanger anyone, esp. yourself and your brothers.
-
Unless one of your brothers is doing something seriously wrong or potentially harmful, you don’t need to tell me about it.
-
Be respectful of, and polite to, grownups.
-
Always do your best. Anything worth doing is worth doing right.
-
Clean up after yourself.
-
If you can do it yourself, you should. If you can’t, just ask for help.
-
If we ask you to do something, we expect you to do it, even if you didn’t cause the problem in the first place. This is a home for all of us, and we all do what we can to keep it liveable.
-
If I ask you to do something, I expect it to be done right away. If you don’t begin in a reasonable time, I’ll count to three. If you aren’t doing it by the time I reach three, you’ll lose a privilege or even, in rare cases, get a swat on the butt.
-
We live in one of the greatest countries in the history of the world. Learn its history, come with us when we vote, obey the law, respect the flag, and do what you can to make it a better place.
-
We will always be here for you. If you’re sad about something, have a problem or a question, let us know!
-
We will always love you, no matter what. But you still have to follow our rules. When you’re old enough to live on your own, you can make your own rules.
Ooohh, this is a biggie! I have always been fond of telling my kids (about our home): “This is not a democracy!” Often, when getting their input on something (like if it’s a Sunday and we’re going out to lunch), “You don’t get to choose, but I would like your input”. That way, there can be no good excuse for whining if we end up going someplace else! We always let them know that we value their input, but we (the parents) have final say.
I like to say it’s a benign dictatorship, with frequent nonbinding referendums. 
Those are really nice, Elendil’s Heir, very specific.
I’ve liked everyone’s rules, actually.
Sensible bunch, here. 
Thanks, fessie.
:smack: D’oh! An undivided or united front, obviously.
What else did you expect from the Dope? 
Yeah, just to amplify a little what some others are saying, if you set a rule, or have an expectation, or identify a specific behavior or action that you want, don’t be afraid to enforce it to the end and give a direct command. In other words, none of this:
“Let’s get your shoes on because it’s time to go, okay?”
“Let’s stop playing with the sand in the living room, okay?”
“Mama doesn’t like it when you bang on the piano keys”.
“Will you please stop eating your hotdogs and ketchup in the living room?”
All of this implies that the child has a say in the matter. He doesn’t.
Instead, issue commands and, most importantly, follow through with a consequence if they are not obeyed. I’m sure I’ll get shit for this, but I stand by it. *Kids are happiest and feel secure when they know the parent is in charge and that there are clear boundaries beyond which there will be a consequence. * The whole “…okay?” mentality says: “I’m afraid of how you might react if you don’t like what I tell you to do; I’m afraid you might throw a tantrum or have a meltdown; I’m afraid you might cry or make me feel uncomfortable or guilty”. This is a clear signal that they can push back, and push they will, as far as they can go until a consequence is issued.
This is generally true for all kids regardless of temperament.
You won’t get shit from me. In a book of his I read, Bill Cosby compared a small child to a blind person in an unfamiliar room; he said something like: “the child will “feel” his way around like a blind person in an unfamiliar room; the blind person, unable to find where the ‘walls’ or boundaries are, will be unsure, uncomfortable, unable to find the boundaries; such is a small child unsure of where the boundaries are; they are uncomfortable, and feel unfamiliar with their surroundings”.
This made so much sense to me. It meshed with something else I read in a parenting magazine that said, essentially, “if you give children power, it overwhelms them; they are not ready for power, and they do not want power”. Those two things, taken together, made perfect sense to me. Children want parents to be in control. They want to know what the boundaries are; it is our job, as parents, to tell them.
I agree. That’s why we let our boys make decisions within parameters we set. But a command, when issued, must be followed up with consequences - from a cross look, to a scolding, to loss of a privilege, to being sent to one’s room, to a spanking - when disobeyed. After awhile you’ll find you hardly ever have to issue commands, because your kids will be (more often than not) so well-behaved they’ll know what’s expected of them and not need such close supervision.
That’s so nice of you! My sister has that book though - I will have to borrow it. Save you the trouble of sending it to me.
I agree with this, except that I almost always say “please” when I am making a request of my children. Not because the request is optional, but because I expect them to say “please” when they ask for things, and the best way to get politeness from your kids is to model it for them.