Bragging about one’s children seems to be a bit of a past time in my office. No one is really obnoxious with it, but there are those individuals who can’t seem to let a conversation go by without mentioning the prestigious magnet school their kid goes to or the traveling athletic team they just got picked for. Or they’ll do the sly humble-brag thing. “Little Jessica got picked to be the first chair in the viola section, but she turned it down because she just feels uncomfortable being that competitive. And we say good for her!”
I once overheard one coworker say that she didn’t know what grade her little Johnny was in after someone asked. After a moment of confused silence, she added that he’s taking so many advanced classes now, it’s hard to know the answer (I would think his homeroom would be an easy enough indicator, but maybe I’m wrong.)
There’s a guy that I work with who used to do this with his kids, and he still does–but only when it comes to the daughter. He’s been unusually quiet with regard to his son for the past year. Last week, someone asked about him and he turned red. Turns out the son has kind of fucked up things during his first year in college. He doesn’t even know if he’ll be returning.
Do parents feel pressure to say good things about their kids? Or is this just how it appears?
Also, if you have a coworker who’s been oddly silent about one of their children, is it considered good form to ask about them? Or should people be mindful of intrusiveness? My inclination is to not say anything and just wait for them to volunteer whatever information they want. So when the question came up the other day, I felt nervous even before the guy told us the bad news.
My oldest daughter (20yr) is now at university but struggling to get into the Honours course. When she was 12 I hoped she would qualify as a gymnast for the Commonwealth Games and maybe the Olympics but she retired at 3rd in NZ. Sigh.
My son is a fine young man who is athletic, at university, and will probably end up as a physiotherapist.
My youngest at 16 is outstanding: a high achiever who is determined (stubborn) and will go on to make her mark as a zoologist or whatever. Her grandmother was our Mayor and I can see her doing the same.
All of which I’ve posted to emphasise what you say. In the early years we despaired about our children because they were quiet and ordinary - it takes time.
In a conversation with someone you do not know well it is a good idea to only ask questions if you think the other person will enjoy answering the question.
It is also a good idea to let the other person do most of the talking.
I think it’s fine to ask if you are genuinely interested. But it’s better to ask the question in a way that doesn’t seem like you are passing judgment: “How does he like State U?” is a much better question than “How is he doing at State U?” You can answer like/don’t like without any reference to academics at all–or you can brag on your kid, if appropriate.
And I have to say that while people who brag on their kids are annoying, people who do the opposite–endlessly complain about their kids, or about how miserable parenthood makes them, as a sort of martyr reverse-brag annoy me far, far more.
I’ve never know anyone in real life to brag about their children. They might come in, all jubilant and say "Junior got into medical school, or something, which is the kind of thing you couldn’t help sharing with those you know, but bragging about their grades? No.
Even on Facebook, I’ve seen people say “Junior got 5 As, 3 Bs and 2cs in his GCSEs!” And I’ve been pleased for them and hope to say something similar. The exams are hard for the kids and the parents often spend a lot of time making sure their kids study. But bragging about other individual stuff? No, not really.
I don’t think I brag about my kids, but I certainly talk about them, they take up an awful lot of my headspace, and since I’m not a complainer in general I tend to only talk about things that are delightful (to me at least) or funny.
It is almost impossible to not feel like how your kids are doing in some way reflects on you…if things aren’t going well with them, or even if they’re just kind of mediocre you tend not to bring it up in the same way you don’t bring up how bad your yard is looking these days or what a boneheaded move you just made in traffic.
Contrariwise, if your kid does something really impressive or just cool, it’s hard to keep it to yourself just like it’s hard to keep your mouth shut if you got an awesome new job or are being featured in a magazine article (in a good way).
I think it’s fine to ask after someone’s children if you haven’t heard them mentioned in a while, but the sensitive person will recognize an evasive answer and not pursue that line of conversation if the kid seems like something the parent doesn’t feel like talking about.
Since I have a kid that leaves me no reason to brag, I tend to fend off casual inquiries with a joke. Something like “Not in jail, no new broken bones lately and hasn’t made me a grandmother yet, knock on wood!” Followed with a big grin like we’re both in on the same joke so they don’t have to feel awkward and then I quickly ask about their kids.
There is definitely some pressure I feel at times to say good things, or at least to answer polite inquiries in a way that doesn’t make the asker feel bad. It’s normal to say “oh hi Bob, how’s the family?” when seeing someone you haven’t talked with in a while, but if Bob’s kid just left rehab for the third time and robbed his grandmother of family heirlooms to buy drugs, no one really wants to hear that. That’s way too long and personal a conversation to be randomly bringing up with a casual acquaintance.
I don’t think anyone really brags about their kids. Not in the conventional “My kids are better than YOUR kids!” kind of way. It’s more like people find as many opportunities as they possibly can to talk about their kids, which just encourages others to do the same.
As a non-parent, I’m lucky in that I’m not affected by this pressure. But I’m not thrilled about perpetuating it either.
Our kid has only been in rehab twice, and both grandmothers are dead so she had to steal from parents and family friends.
But yeah.
I think I’d more enjoy a real conversation about real struggles, than hear the bragging. Great, another McMansion on the horizon - not that stimulating.
In elementary school I was labeled as “gifted;” scored high on aptitude tests, achieved well above my grade level, etc. Everyone saw exciting things in my future.
Instead I half-assed my way through high school, flunked out of one college, went to another and majored in a narrow field. I’ve flopped from job to job, I’m flat broke, and there is absolutely nothing remarkable about me in any way.
But mom brags on me all the time! Compared to her friends’ adult kids (who have been in and out of rehab, in and out of jail, done horrible things to their spouses, kids, families, etc.), I’m an absolute peach! Never been in jail, never been in rehab, never stolen anything from anybody, married to the same woman for 17 years, etc.
I don’t have kids, but I do enjoy hearing about others’s kids, good and bad. I mean, I’m not saying “Oh, good, Johnny’s in trouble again,” but I do genuinely care how Johnny’s doing. Ultimately it’s none of my business, and there is a limit to how/when something like that can be specifically asked, but if I’m asking how your weekend was, I’m OK if you want to share that Johnny got arrested again. I can understand it’s stressful, and that feeling like others just expect you to say “fine” can be incredibly draining when you know your weekend was anything but fine. That was a random rant just to say not everyone only wants to hear the positives, being available for the negatives, too, is what any meaningful relationship is about.
Honestly both my wife and I would find it much more refreshing to hear ‘relative’ good news about someone’s kid. Such as them getting in trouble for something like vandalism, stealing, etc but really cleaning up their act. A lot of parents give this illusion that everyone’s kid is some hyperintelligent wunderkind (SDMB particularly notorious for this! ) but I’m sure there are plenty of bright, intelligent parents that still have kids that struggle in school.
Hell, I was a ‘C’ student in college, but I never heard about all the people that went to college and did mediocre (besides George W. Bush I guess). Its either people who never went, dropped out, or excelled. There’s a lot of kids out there that won the ‘Bronze Medal’ in life, but we’re not hearing those parents I guess.
) but I’m sure there are plenty of bright, intelligent parents that still have kids that struggle in school.