Pathetic Question? Yes. But I'm still unsure.

I’m young, so this will probly seem extraordinarily juvenile, but I’m hoping that some wiser/older people might have come across this situation.

Boyfriend and I broke up approximately 2 months ago due to:
-him liking someone else
-my ‘best friend’ spreading rumors about me
-my long-time best friend being a guy and the BF not liking that
-my dislike of some of his friends

----we didn’t part on good terms (not speaking to each other, ever again)

----over the course of our relationship, he introduced me to our city’s underground punk/hardcore scene, which I absolutely love


-I’m still attending punk/hardcore shows by myself or with friends and sometime’s he’s there as well (it’s awkward)
-I’ve made so many friends from attending these shows and so has he (in fact, most of those people, are mutual friends now)
-One person in particular that I met at one of these shows has taken I strong liking towards him and he likes her
-I’m fine with that, yay for them, but it’s awkward when I want to talk to her when she’s with him (we avoid eye contact at all costs)

My Question:

-What can I do to make this less uncomfortable and awkward?
-How can I avoid that ‘splitting of friends’ (I’m siding with her or him.)?
-Has anyone ever been in this situation? Any happy stories?


Don’t force your mutual friends to take sides. You can do this by avoiding trashing him to your friends. Things will get more comfortable, but it takes time for all those feelings to subside. It’s ackward now, but if you can’t avoid the face-to-face contact with the ex, you might try making some very neutral small talk with him to break the tension. He’ll probably be grateful for it.

If you need to vent, do it here, or with your non-mutual friends.

I don’t think it’s a pathetic question at all, and I also think you’re taking a very mature approach to the circumstances. MHO:

Making things less uncomfortable: primarily, time. I’ll also second the neutral small talk. If you haven’t been talking at all, however, jumping into small talk might also be uncomfortable, in which case (if you feel up to it) pulling him aside at some point and calmly explaining that while you didn’t part on good terms, you don’t want to involve your mutual friends and thus would appreciate finding a way where you can be comfortable with each other in public might be advisable. I’m a big fan of communication. If for whatever reason you can’t do that, and the situation comes up with mutual friends, explain that you’d feel better not discussing him with them so as to not strain your friendship. This will also help in the splitting of friends.

Friend-splitting, sadly, is sometimes unavoidable. I lost a few friends after one very bad breakup. You can take some small solace in knowing that people who would not listen to a reasonable discussion on the subject probably weren’t friends you wanted. But again, don’t trash him to the mutual friends, and you should be all right. Most of the time people will be cool about it. It’s also easier to advise in this sort of situation if one has specifics. I know that my tactics have worked by and large with my friends, but I doubt we have the same friends, so YMMV.

Also, as noted, I have been in a similar situation. The people who were primarily his friends (I had no real association with them outside of him) drifted out of my life. No real harm done, as I didn’t really know them all that well. There were a few I would have liked to have known better, but I’ve accepted that I won’t get that opportunity. The people who were primarily my friends weren’t all that impacted by the breakup (the insane things he did afterward were another story, but that doesn’t really relate to your situation). The truly mutual friends by and large came to me individually and said things along the lines of, “He told me his side of the story. Not all of it jived, so I wanted your side. Do you mind?” I would tell them my perspective, pointing out places that I was aware of where his interpretation was likely different. They generally thanked me and we didn’t talk much about it again. It just didn’t impact our daily interactions. And, until he went all psycho on me, we were pretty civil in group interactions once things settled.

So far as his new interest, well, the only thing I can advise for that is time, and involving yourself in other things while they’re at the same place you are. Talk to other people there, and if there’s someone particularly understanding, explain that you’d like to be distracted for a little while. I’ve always found that to help. If she’s understanding, let her know that while you are very happy for her (and do only say this if you’re sincere), it’s difficult for you to be around the two of them together right now. Suggest a time where the two of you can get together without him around.

I hope that helps. This approaches more long-winded than I tend to be, so I sense it’s time to wrap up. If there’s anything more I can do to assist, feel free to post more here or get in touch with me via ICQ/AIM/e-mail. I do hope things get better soon. That sort of situation is never fun.


Even if you are not wrong.

Just approach him and say something like. “I’m sorry I reacted so strongly when we broke up. It’s over now so it doesn’t really matter anymore. Since we are going to be in the same places so often lets stop being angry and just let it drop.”

Unless he is a total jerk his is probably as uncomfortable as you are and will jump at the chance to put this behind him. Besides it will give you the high ground because you made the first move to resolve the situation.

Then treat him as you would any person who isn’t in your “in” crowd.

Thanks alot for all of your advice.
We’ll see how things turn out after the next show (Sunday).

crosses fingers and hopes for the best

Like what Degrance said, you can try to talk with him about it. Or just say hi to him when you see him. Ask how he’s been, small small talk, perhaps a nice word about something (“did you get a haircut? Looks good.”) and then be on your way.

If you two can’t talk because emotions are just too high, that’s understandable. But if it’s not that bad, making small talk and just saying hi helps to ease things down.

This sounds similar to what I once went though - punk clubs and all. We started dating, things didn’t work out. Next thing I knew I was bumping into her everywhere. Parties, clubs, shows. At first we didn’t talk and it was uncomfortable. But after a few weeks we started making small talk and later joking around at clubs and parties again. Years later, I still talk with her from time to time. We got along fine as friends but not as anything more then that. Once we realized it, everything was cool.

Good luck.