Are you kidding? It’s easy to seem normal and charming in e-mail! Plenty of opportunity to edit yourself in advance.
That’s very true. It’s also way easier to detect which snakes are poisonous in person. But if that’s my only route to that knowledge, I am perfectly happy to remain ignorant.
An entire thread of people whose experience is vastly different than yours and this is your takeaway?
I tend to go 20 at most. I have a friend who will go 7-10 and has great success. Not a great looking guy either. He just runs a kind of “I don’t like the inpersonal online thing, can I call you and setup a meeting?”.
He goes straight for it as quick as possible. Talking on the phone is way more efficient anyway and a dead art.
What does this mean? 20? 7-10? Email exchanges? Phones calls? what?
It’s hard to know if you’re mishandling things or simply experiencing online dating; a lot of things to fizzle or poof before an online meeting, even after weeks or months of writing. So while others might be right that you’re rushing and scaring the women, it might also be true that you’re saving yourself the trouble of several more messages.
But maybe let THEM suggest the first meeting just to see if things go better. My experience was there were usually about three weeks of messaging before a meeting but sometimes there would be a pretty quick meeting, especially with people who’d been doing match.com for a while. Especially when you discover you live or work quite close to each other.
I know this thread is a little old but I stand by my original strategy. I only go for a few messages before I point out that messaging on a dating website like Match is a little clunky so they can either text me or call me and I give them my number. They usually give me their number right back and I call when I say I will.
I try to find some commonality during the first call and ask them directly at the end to do something we would both enjoy once I figure out what that might be. It is always something very concrete and not some vague “Would you like to to get together sometime?” bullshit. It has always worked at least for me.
The vast majority of women and men prefer a fairly direct approach because most people are a little insecure about the dating game. I am not because I have done it so many times. It just takes practice.
I also generally let women contact me first which increases your odds dramatically. You might want to try Bumble. It is like Tinder for women but the men cannot initiate direct contact and you only have 24 hours to respond when they do or they are gone for good. That fixes a lot of common dating problems like women being flooded by messages from creepers and people that just want to dick around. The quality tends to be much higher than other sites as well. I think it is a great teaching tool for men as well. It will force you to move quickly when you get a mutual match that you are interested in.
Showing empathy towards potential dates and requiring the same of them does seem like a fruitful way to go about it. About 2 weeks seems like a good ballpark for a compromise.
Like what?
Also joining the pile on about the police station. I can see how it’s well-intentioned. However, while it’s good to keep in mind the dangers of dating from her point of view, it shouldn’t be overt because that would go counter to a generally useful rule when meeting new people: keep it light and positive.
Two weeks? That is insanely long unless your are convinced that this might be the love of your life. I work with two days max before I move on. You either have to shit or get off the pot. A lot of men seem to want to want pen-pals too or they are complete pussies that are scared to actually ask someone out. I can’t put it in much kinder terms.
I can generally get single dates in a single day no matter where I travel and I am not a movie star. It isn’t that difficult. I had three dates this week in Colorado and I was only there for 5 days. I am probably going to never going to see them again but that wasn’t the point. There are a whole lot of quality women out there that just want someone to pay attention to them. The dates were innocent. We just talked and did fun things together. That is generally all it takes. You don’t need to look at it like marriage proposal because it isn’t. Maybe someone just wants someone to go skydiving, bowling or an art museum with someone. All you have to do is identify commonality and come up with something that you would both like.
How do we all feel, collectively, about a date at the DMV?
Dear god, it isn’t just women who want to chat endlessly. I’d rather make plans to meet in person (public space yes. police station or DMV no) sooner rather than later. Too many guys who may write a good game but are insanely boring in person, means I’d rather find out sooner than later.
With that said, after half a dozen boring first dates, I’ve started to jokingly say I am going to start bringing a kitchen timer on first dates and set it for 30 minutes. Then plop it down on the table and say “if I am not engaged in a real conversation by the time this goes off, you pay the tab. If we are, I will pay” I told a guy that I met online, but we were a platonic match, of my idea and he told me to go for it because then I’d see how the guy is under pressure.
I don’t want to sound like I’m calling you out. But you seem to be saying how great you are at this and how successful. Earlier you said you were “50 for 50” in going from phone calls to actually getting that first date. But after those 50 and several months (over a year I believe) later, and you sound like you’re still at it. So what gives? I had to edit this because perhaps I sounded judgmental. It’s entirely possible that you are not looking for anything long term.
No problem. I am not really looking for anything long term - just experiences even if they are mostly short-term or even platonic. I never really knew how to date before I got divorced. My ex-wife literally just showed up in my bed one night early in college and we were together until 35. I had to learn to play the game later in life and I figured a lot of it out at least in the initial stages. My point was that, if I can do it, almost anyone else can too. It is just a numbers and confidence game that requires a strategy. There are always a bunch of people around looking for many of the same things you are unless you live in a remote village in Siberia. You just have to ask. Look around the next time you go to Wal-Mart. Those couples found each other. There is no reason why almost anyone else should be a failure at the game unless they are approaching it all wrong.
Shagnasty gets a lot of heat for his comments on these types of threads but his general message is correct in my experience. It is absolutely a numbers game. The online thing can do a lot of the prescreening but then you have to see if there’s mutual chemistry. That’s really, really elusive. This is probably a good thing since nothing would ever get done in society if it happened really frequently.
Keep going on first dates, keep your expectations reasonable and don’t take it personally if they don’t feel it.
This. I had a loose “three message rule” – if you or the person you’re corresponding with doesn’t strongly suggest meeting by the third email, it probably isn’t going to happen. This isn’t hard-and-fast, though.
FWIW, I met my wife on Match. 
In a small, geographically isolated town, that has a reputation as a lesbian mecca, where there’s a demographic hole of folks around my age, and the odds would otherwise be stacked against me.
I love a Happy Ending.
When I read threads like this I’m so glad that I’m not in the 21st century dating scene. I’m gathering that the expectations are that every 68 year old man better be a pierce Brosnan lookalike or he’s doomed. 
I had to look and see if I’d posted earlier, since my memory ain’t what it used to be. I’ve been with Ms. P for 25 years, but I did explore online dating in its infancy. As soon as I saw that there were way more men seeking women than women seeking men I figured that I didn’t have a chance. Looking back, my writing ability may have helped me find women with some initial interest. I’m not sure I would have been able to keep their interest in person, though.
The bar is a lot lower than that. Just be a guy who can hold a conversation, and doesn’t send dick pics.