What’s the nearest big town or city to you? The bridal planner will come to YOU. Depending on how far from City X you are, they may have an extra charge, but I promise - people have weddings in rural locations all the time.
Binghamton, I guess. It’s where Mike lives, so I go there all the time anyway. Are you sure they won’t suck me into doing crazy things I don’t want to? My wedding phobia goes doubly so for the Chicken Dance.
Ok, so look further. Ithaca, NY, I presume? Here’s a page of New York based wedding planners and consultants. I’m sorry I don’t know my NY geography, but one of them must be within 50 miles, right?
AH! Here you go, there’s one on Hanshaw Road. (Don’t go with them just because they’re local, though. Call around and get quotes from a couple.)
Here you go:
Now - YOU are the client. YOU are paying the bill. They will do what YOU want. If you say no tulle, no chicken dance, and no 17 teir wedding cake, you will get NO tulle, NO chicken dance, and NO 17 teirs.
That being said - try to be a little bit flexable - these people are experts and something that you may not think is a big issue could be, or something you think is a huge issue might be very small. Tell them what you want, let them do their job, DON’T let them push you around, and you’ll be fine. Come on - you’re a ballsy kind of gal - you can handle one pesky wedding planner. 
A good approach might be to plan the actual wedding part yourself (not too much trouble with a 5-minute JOP ceremony), and tell the planner to plan a PARTY, not a WEDDING. Have them make it no different from any other large party. It doesn’t have to have a “wedding theme” at all.
Firstly, Rubystreak, you are about as far from bridezilla as imaginable right now. I doubt that you’ve been planning your wedding since you were sixteen, having it coordinated down the to color of the doves that will be released as you leave the rose arch. And I doubt that anyone’s going to call you an ungrateful bitch if you put your foot down about a few things.
You’re not going to be able to win all your battles, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have control over some things. You don’t have to have any tulle if you don’t want it – you have control over your dress, and I think your best man will stay away from tutus. You don’t have to dance (especially not the chicken dance), but you might have to trade some of the Zepplin for a little light classical or Big Band music.
And you may not know any of Mike’s family right now, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get to know a few of them between now and the wedding. I don’t know of anyone who goes to wedding looking to be cruel. These people aren’t judging you: They’re coming to help you celebrate marrying the man you love.
If your dad is anything like mine, then he’d rather see you happy than miserable for an entire day. Remember, nothing ventured, nothing gained. You can ask the older generation if they can scale the guest list down, but you can only do that if you’re honest with them, not if you smile pleasantly and nod with each addition. You’re probably not going to get your 50 guest party, but you won’t really know until you ask.
Bottomline: you’re going to have to compromise, but that goes both ways. And that means talking to your fiance, dad, and his parents. Tell them what you’ve told us and see where you can move from there.
Go get 'em, tiger. You can do this.
I called in sick to work today so I could spend some quality alone time in my bed. Got up, called the winery that is just down the street from me, literally a 5 minute drive. The guy has our date free, and he said all we have to do is pick where in the vineyard we want it. It can be outdoors or indoors, whichever we like. Then he gives us a list of caterers with bartenders, we pick one, and then he does the rest. HE DOES THE REST! How cool is that?
We’re meeting with him Saturday. With any luck, we will like what we see there and the next step will be picking out caterers. That should be relatively painless, I hope. Everyone will be happy. I’m not out of my mind with joy about having it somewhere other than my home, but I don’t think I can do it any other way.
YAY! Sorry, I always thought the idea of a wedding in a vinyard (with wine, of course…lots and lots of wine…) was kick ass. I hope it turns out as nice as the backyard idea was originally (which is probably the route I’d go if I ever get married, except we’ll have it at the local park because I don’t have a back yard).
As for wedding phobia - I’m with you on that one, honey. You’re not the only woman on the planet who’s terrified of her own wedding. Sending good vibes your way. If you need to rant, if you need help with anything, or if you want that Web site done, e-mail me.
~Tasha
wOOt!
I hope this works out - a winery sounds lovely!
I’m so with you, Ruby. In fact, my lack of desire for a wedding, especially a big wedding which my boyfriend wants, is the number one reason I’m not married or engaged.
I wonder, if I didn’t have this latent wedding-phobia, if I would be married already. Most women, or at least many, are the driving forces behind getting married. Seems like guys are along for the ride. Not in this case. This is all Mike, convincing me to get engaged, convincing me to do the wedding. I’m happy to share my life with him, but this whole big production is just… crazy. And incidental to the really important thing, which is us getting married and going forth into life together. It’s too easy for that to get lost in the shuffle of wedding madness.
Yup, Scott is the same way. We’ve been together for 6 1/2 years, and he’s been pushing the marriage issue for, I dunno, 5 of those years. On the other hand, we already live together and plan to spend the rest of our lives together, so I’m not in a rush to get married, even if I did want a wedding. I’d get some fun extra pressure from my parents though, who would love to throw a big swanky party. Ugh.
Which is all to say, you’re not alone.
Like others have said, the most important thing to do is breathe. Once you’ve taken three or four great big deep breaths, remember that you can always, right up until time to walk down the aisle, tell them all to fuck off and elope.
After that, come to terms with the simple fact that people are going to bitch, no matter what. Unfortunately, it seems like the easier and more fun you try to make things for folks, the more they piss and moan. But stop and think about that for a second–you’ve got two people, one trying to make things enjoyable for the second, and the second bitching and moaning about someone trying to make things enjoyable for them. Which one of those people do you honestly think has the psychological problems? Hint: it ain’t the first person.
There’s just something about the word “wedding” that makes people go absolutely bugshit insane, and it’s deeply disquieting to look around and see that everybody you know has taken leave of their senses. But it will be all right. Really. Been there, listened to the whole line, came out the other side. There was a point, though, when I really thought that even one more remotely negative comment was going to send me up a clock tower with a rifle. (I don’t own or even know how to fire a gun, but I was well beyond worrying about such piddling trifles at that point.)
The thing you really have to do is sit down by yourself and figure out what’s really important to you; what are you willing to compromise about or go along with, and what are you willing to dig in your heels about? Then talk to Mike, reach an accord with him, and lay it all out for everybody else. If people are still being a real pain in your ass and trying to inflate the wedding, tell them they can either stay within the framework you’ve provided, or you guys can elope. Their choice. I’d keep the ultimatum for a last resort, obviously, and don’t say it unless you’re willing and able to follow through.
Seriously, I think wedding madness is a state of mind. Personally, I wanted a big, pretty traditional wedding. These days, though, what is considered “traditional” has gotten so mucked up with crazy stuff that it’s hard to define what it even is. I just wanted a church wedding (easy when you’re Catholic…everything is pretty much laid out for you, you just have to pick a few readings), and a simple dinner. I didn’t want unity candles, balloon arches, 10 bridesmaids with their hair all done the same way, napkins printed up with our names, a program at the church, an introduction of us at the reception (what, people haven’t figured out whose wedding they’re at by this time?), or any of the other stuff that people say you “need” that are really all about the wedding industry making a buck. I kept it as simple as possible, and it was very nice. It DOESN’T have to be a production…it’s a party, that’s all, which you are having because everyone is happy for you. That’s what it SHOULD be about, you know?
We did something a lot like what you’re talking about. We got married at my wife’s parent’s farm, so there was a lot of room. It was basically a big, backyard party which was briefly interrupted for a 5 minute wedding ceremony. We did have a sort of “procession,” but it was very minimal. I stood at the altar, the best man and MOH (that was the entire wedding party – no groomsmen or bridesmaids or any of that crap) walked down the Aisle ( a path between lawn chairs) and then the Bride came down with her dad. It was very short, we didn’t drag it out. People did NOT complain about the brevity. We actually got a lot of people saying how refreshing it was to see such a short, no bullshit ceremony.
We had a Clerk of court performing the ceremony and made sure it was completely secular, so that cut down on a lot of the time. There were no prayers or sermons or anything, no extraneous ritual, just the vows and back to the party.
Oh, I meant to put in some practical advice re: dresses and all like that.
For your outfit, check out the mall. Seriously. I bought my wedding dress at J.C. Penney’s, in the section where they have the prom dresses and such. Actually, I got it during a prom-season sale, when it was 25% off. It was lightweight (especially compared with any sort of wedding gown), easy to move in, dressy without being wedding-dress formal, and of just the right length for walking around outside. I threw in a hip-length veil, and it looked bridal without being all LOOK AT ME!!! I’M THE BRIDE!!! In fact, without the veil, I wore it to a dressy-uppy fundraiser we went to last month.
Also, if you decide you really don’t want to wear a dress at all, the mall is probably going to be your best bet for finding a nice pantsuit.
Whatever you do, avoid bridal shops and wedding magazines. They’re the devil, and they will only stress you out unnecessarily. Also, the prices on their veils are absolute highway robbery. If I could have found anything like my veil, it would have cost nearly $200, for something that took $5 of materials and 20 minutes to make. Again, somebody’s crazy here, and it ain’t me and you.
If you don’t want flowers, don’t have flowers. Candles add a festive touch , though, and often quite a lot less expensive. For our centerpieces, we got those big three-wick pillar candles and put ribbon around them. (The easiest way to do it is get a pack of sequin pins and just pin the ribbon in place.) It looked really nice without being all frilly-pants girly. Plus, that would help provide some of the fire your guests will be expecting. Hell, you could even have votive candles for favors that people might actually not throw away.
And if you decide not to do favors, it’s not a big deal. Nobody remembers the favors, unless they were amazingly useful or tasty, or they were amazingly stupid and useless.
Nobody remembers 90% of the stuff people stress out over when planning a wedding. People don’t remember the details of your dress, unless they have pictures they look at regularly. They don’t even freaking notice if the roses in the centerpiece and the printing on the personalized napkins are different shades of peach. They don’t remember exactly what you fed them, unless it was just amazing or just awful. If nobody but you will remember in six months, it’s not worth worrying about.
What people will mostly remember is how happy or how stressed you seemed. That’s about it. So that’s really where you need to put your time and energy, into making sure you guys are happy and relaxed when the big day gets here.
There’s already a mountain of good advice, so I’ll just add a couple of things.
Make sure somebody takes a good picture of the two of you. For the newspaper. Yes, the newspaper. Everybody gets in print 3 times; when you are hatched, matched, and dispatched.
Somebody needs to talk to the neighbors. “We’re having a big wedding party. There will be some noise, some smoke, and quite a few cars. Please be patient with us.” Some might even offer their driveways for parking. Aaaaand, some of them might get peeved if they aren’t invited.
I’ve been to a couple of wedding parties where the guests were told, “the men’s room is over there,” pointing toward the corner of the hedges. If you do that, some cat litter back there might be in order.
I got married a few months ago and did everything pretty much on my own. Not much parental support and very little funding. We wanted an outside thing too so we searched through every public park, ski resort, girl scout camp, etc. that was at all willing to rent out space in probably the entire state. We ended up at a public park on the beach. There was parking and bathrooms and pavilions so we rented two of them for 50 bucks a piece and decorated the picnic tables with flower pots filled with seashells. Then we hung Japanese lanterns and white Christmas lights. We had the ceremony in the sand with an officiant we found on the internet who was perfectly willing to do whatever the hell we wanted. We had no chairs and I walked down the “aisle” with my sister and two friends to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” (Iz, not Judy Garland) I wore a wedding dress but I wanted to. Only about 40 people showed up, which was fine by me. The ceremony was about 15 minutes and was a great blend of traditional and weird. I made a bunch of desserts myself, including a three tier wedding cake which everyone loved. We ordered hors d’oevres from a little cafe and had burned CDs which we played on a boombox. My FIL took the pictures- and they came out wonderful. My best friend and I made the invitations ourselves one weekend with a good quality printer and some nice paper from a craft store. I hand-copied an old-timey looking map with good quality paper and ink and made 100 copies to throw in there, and we used post cards for the response cards. I tied it all together with cheap beachy ribbon and stuck them in the mail less than a month before the big day. The only thing I wish we had done differently is that we ordered flowers from an on-line grower and they were terrible. We went to a grocery store that morning and picked out very fresh very pretty arrangements for very cheap.
There is absolutely nothing set in stone about weddings- it can be whatever you want, however you want it. Sure, consider your guests, but you would do that with any other kind of party anyway. A lot of states don’t even require witnesses anymore. So you don’t need anyone. Some places even allow you to make arrangements to marry yourselves. Now that would be a small wedding!
Oh my God, do not get me STARTED on that crap. I have already decided that I will be making my own wedding dress should I get married.
Then again, the Tashaboy and I always fancied the old-fashioned handfasting, and you don’t need a dress and veil for that. Just robes!
~Tasha
Oh, yay! I’m so happy for you. I’m sure things will be much smoother from here on out, now that you’ve got 80% of the work done.
I see the allure of the huge-ass wedding, but I don’t think it makes the marriage any stronger than a smallscale celebration. My parents got married at the county courthouse, and a few months later, had a reception . . . in the newly built machine shed. About as casual as you can get, and nearly 25 years later, they’re still together. You don’t need to look like a lacy meringue to get hitched and have it stick.