frantic violin Hello! We can’t come to the phone because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave your name and number at the sound of the tone and we’ll get ba -AAAAAAAAAA LOOK OUT! HERE THEY COME!!! crescendo, then out
Are you whoooshin’ us, here? Oon Yellimon is from A Child’s Garden of Grass, a book and LP that were a basic FAQ about marijuana, from a long time ago. If you knew all that, I’ll feel my hair blow back. If not, well gosh. What a co-inky-dance.
Mine:
Press 1 to be ignored by a human!
Press 2 to be ignored by a machine!
Press 3 to talk to the dog!
Please press a number nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooowwwwwwww!
10% of the callers press a number
Once, for a couple of weeks, my friends were complaining that sometimes when they called me they reached, instead, a very long-winded political recording. I finally went to a neighbors house and called myself to check it out and got the same recording. I went home intending to call the phone company about the problem.
When I got in I heard the same thing playing on my machine! Apparently with this machine you get the extra added feature that if the incoming message is long enough it becomes your new outgoing. And they didn’t charge me extra for it.
I pinched Linda Hamilton’s answerphone message from The Terminator: “Hello? Ha-ha, fooled you, you’re talking to a machine. But don’t worry, machines have feelings too…” You’d be surprised by how many people were thrown out by the first “Hello”.
Sorry, I was in the middle of something at work when I posted about that, and forgot to mention it. I wasn’t trying to hide it or anything! I can’t say I’ve ever known more than one person who’s ever heard of that album, though!
I used to have a greeting that I adopted from a National Lampoon radio skit:
<William Tell Overture/Lone Ranger theme>
Hello, this is the Lone Ranger. Every day, thousands of babies are born with masks on their faces. If you wish to make a donation to help stop this terrible affliction (in silver please), leave your name, phone number and a message at the sound of the beep. <music fades, [beep]>
1 - I know you called to talk, but quite honestly I don’t feel like talking right now, but don’t let that stop you, go ahead, you talk, I’ll listen…
2 - Please leave a message after the beep, unless you are trying to sell us anything, then just call someone else…
My mom used to have a pretty good outgoing message on her machine.
You have reached the Scribblemom household at xxx-xxxx. No-one is available to take your call right now, but our automated system may assist you. If you are calling to sell us a magazine subscription or siding, please press 1…and hang up now. If you are calling to sell us carpet cleaning or lawn care services, please press 2…and hang up now. If you are calling to sell us anything else, please press 3…and hang up now. All other callers, please leave a message at the sound of the tone.
I have a Dances With Bunny Rabbits pagan friend from California (is that redundant?) who has a not-funny and very irritating message of no less than three minutes which changes with each season (there’s eight). So it’s generally something like:
“Hello, and thank you for calling Morgan Moongoddess Wildebeast. I’ve been awaiting your call and hope you’re feeling the joyous energy flow of this wonderful Solstice Season. Breathe deep into your hara and feel the love and life all around you, just slumbering and waiting to burst forth in the spring. As we wait for the sun to return, we think on our own Year’s Jouney, and reflect on the changes and lessons that the Goddess has sent us this year…”
Really. She can go on forEVER! And she never mentions that you can press the star key to bypass her sermon.
She just got into Tantra. I’m afraid to call her now.
I love it!
I may modify it and use “chocolate” instead…
If you’re ever over at a good friend’s house, one that can take a joke, and they go out for an errand or spend an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom, then record a new, surreal outgoing message on their answering machine. Maybe something like: “Hi, you’ve reached Steve and… oh, god stop!.. sorry, everything’s okay now, anyway, leave a message at the tone.” Or “This is Jane, bicycle toaster oven mitt.” Or “You’ve reached the Epsteins at 555-1212” (but in this case the person is not the Epsteins and 555-1212 is not their number) beep Since many people don’t listen to their own outbound message it can stay there for a quite a while, at least until they get enough people leaving confused messages on their machine.
They’ll probably answer with “whiskey tango foxtrot”. 
When I get an answering machine I’m going to have the following message to the tune of Justin Hayward’s (of Moody Blues) Forever Autumn:
*You called my number trying to get ahold of me
But I’m not at the phone right now
I guess you’ll have to leave a message
'Cuz I’m not here
As your voice through the line traverses the distance
So the magnetic tape records away
If you’re a friend or business associate
I’ll gladly return your call
But if you’re a telemarketer
You’ve got some gall*
My mom called a friend (let’s call her “Jane”) that she had fallen out of touch with and heard something along the following lines:
“This is Bill Smith. If you’re calling for Jane, she doesn’t live here anymore. She felt that it was OK to betray my trust with a man I thought was a good friend, and I don’t give a damn what her new number is.”
–Cliffy
Her new answerphone message is probably five-and-a-half hours of panting, moaning, and general sounds of orgasms.
Oh, and my mom came up with this one:
These woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.
And I contributed:
This is CBC Radio Two. And now, a performance of Dvorak’s Beep Sonata in C flat minor.
Done with a flanged, slowed-down recording of my voice with aqualung-esque breathing in the background:
Greetings young Jedi. You have made contact with Darth [last name]. Unfortunately, Princess Leia and I have gone out for some Chinese food and a case of beer. Leave a message and I will contact you as soon as possible.
I did once get some stoner wrong number that was all “wow dude! cool message!”
I always liked George’s answering machine message, on one episode of Seinfeld, that went:
(sung to the tune of A Wing and a Prayer)
Believe it or not, George isn’t at home,
So leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I’d pick up the phone.
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I’m not home.
Man, that message would have come in handy a few years ago. If I could have gotten out of the fetal position, I might have tried it…
Freshman year of college my roommate and I had the following:
Me (with my hands cupped over my mouth talking in a Vader voice): “Brent and Grant are busy being turned to the darkside of the force.”
Brent: “I’ll never join you!”
Me: “Please leave your name and number after the tone…It is your destiny.”
Brent: “That’s not true! That’s impossible!”
Beep