I got a phone call today from my ex-fiancee-and my head is officially spinning.
::Backstory::
We were best friends for five years until the night he kissed me. We were engaged about 6 months later. He was in the Air Force and had to go to Korea for a year so we made a deal-if we couldn’t take the lack of sex anymore we could opt to get some. I went ten months and then I ran into someone who I had been attracted to for years,I was very drunk and I did give him a bj. I did not tell Mark about this-bad idea because my former best friend did. We fought,he hit me once and I left. This about 3 years after the fact.
We didn’t talk for about a year and then he called. The friendship resumed and when I was going through watching my nephew die he called at least once a week to check up on me.
Now today…we’re talking and he casually says " Oh by the way are you seeing anybody?" At this point I’m not but there is someone who I am attracted to but I don’t know if he feels the same.
So I’m already confused about ht e guy I’m attracted to and now the ex-fiancee is making reconciliation gestures…
I know I don’t want to get back with him but I don’t want to lose the friendship…and as for the other matter…
If you want to tell your ex-fiance no, you may want to consider a pre-emptive strike, before he pops the question.
Like this, the next time you talk to him, lean over, pat him on the forearm in a sisterly way and say, “You know, I’m really glad we didn’t get married. I would have made a bad wife for you.”
Then switch the subject real quick.
Hmmm, maybe it would be better to do this over the phone. Then, if it sounds like he wants to reopen the subject, you can say, “Whoops, gotta run. Bye!”
But whatever may happen, don’t let yourself get dragged into reopening the past. Anything, even losing the friendship, would be better than going over that ground again!
Going with Arden here hon… He might be a “changed man”, might have done it out of anger, whatever… but you can’t take that chance. Don’t reconcile.
I’ve told you a little about my ex… you know that situation. You also know how hard it was for me to make the decision I made when he asked me to marry him. But sometimes you have to take the possibility of a greater happiness than the old stand-by. That’s the only way you’ll go anywhere.
Just take your time and follow your heart AND your head in this. They’ll both lead you to the right place. (And if you still aren’t sure, drop me an e-mail, and I’ll point you in the right direction! )
I’d slice his dick off and ram it down his throat. What a fucker! I hate assholes like that.
Please, please, please, do yourself a favor and never talk to him again. The fact that he is alluring you is dangerous enough. You don’t want to end up with a guy who hits women.
How about being forthright and direct with him concering your position, and letting him decide if he values you enough to maintain the friendship. If he does not, it is his decision, and his loss.
He may not be willing to look at you as merely a friend anymore, especially since you were once romantically involved. And it’s obvious he doesn’t know what your plans are right now, because he’s asking. When he does find out how you feel about him (I hope you really have moved on), be prepared for him to cool on the friendship.
If it does happen, there’s not a thing you can do about it. Nada. If it turns out he’s beyond you as well (Personally, I doubt it, but what the hell do I know) then you can move on and be friends.
But the key for you is to be prepared to lose that friendship. And realize there isn’t a thing you can do about it.
I hope it does work out for you as friends, but my motto is to always be prepared for anything. And that anything is the possibility that you won’t be the kind of friends you once used to be.
Speaking as a guy, let’s be perfectly clear about this: he’s chasing you because he has no other options. Your initial response is sending signals to him that you’re going to be taken in and he’ll play you for a fool.
That, plus the fact that he raised a hand to you once, say to go after the pre-emptive strike and tell him NEVER to contact you again. Talk of “we can be friends” is naive.
He does know I’m interested in someone else beacuse I told him that.
But again…even though it’s over for us a a couple-I WILL NOT back down there-I do want to keep him as a friend. As friends we’re great. As a couple we suck.
I’m already wound up about this other guy and to have this dropped on me sucks sweaty donkey balls.
Doesn’t help the I caught the damned bouquet at the wedding last night…
Your last post says alot hardygrrl, without really saying anything- You’re still interested in him, on some level.
Been there myself, it sucks.
Listen to what that little voice in your head is telling you right now. Because something’s telling you to avoid getting back together with him, even on a friendship level, as much as you might say otherwise.
Listen to that voice, it’s right, and I think you know that.
So you are avoiding telling him the truth so that you don’t “lose him as a friend”? That sounds a bit selfish to me. If you really care about him you should be honest with him. Tell him “it ain’t gonna happen” and let him decide how to handle it. Yes, you could lose him. But face it, if he leaves, you wouldn’t be losing a friend, you’d be losing an ex-lover.
Well I called him today and told him that even though I’m not seeing anyone for the moment-there is no chance of us being a couple again.
First his answer is “Ok I know you’ve moved on.” Then it goes to a whiny rant about how he still loves me and he accepts what I did,etc.
As hard as it was-this was for all intents and purposes the love of my life up to now- I just repeated myself. I told him we could be friends but it would never go any further.
He hung up so I guess I have my answer-now if only I had a clue about the other issue…
Hardygrrl-please listen to me. “ If you love let it go-then hunt it down and kill it,” is only funny on the bumper sticker. Do not under any circumstances allow this person to ingratiate himself back into your life if he hit you during an argument. Whiny rants are signs of problems in his head. These problems in his head can pile up and equal stalking. I may be a little out of line, however, if you read any of Anne Rule’s true life crime books about obsessive ex-lovers/husbands/wifes/boy/girl/friends this is the pattern. Nip it at the bud-no more contact. Screen your calls and do not speak to him again. Humoring him will only exacerbate the problem. If the pressure intensifies you will realize I am correct. God knows I hope I am way off base.
Right now don’t concentrate on finding a partner. Instead work on yourself to be happy and fulfilled. Volunteer at a senior center or Habitat for Humanity. Finish school or whatever. Just heal up emotionally before getting into a relationship.
Best wishes!
(And note – I’m not talking about the “male” perspective. I’m talking about “guys.” There is a difference, as I hope will be explained below.)
Guys never believe that someone could completely get over them. They could have beaten a girl within an inch of her life, killed her cat, burned down her parents’ house and been put in jail for 20 years, and yet when they were released, in the back of their mind they’d think “I ought to call her and see if she’s free tonight.” Because they’d think that all they have to do is walk back in and she’d love them. The world is there for their pleasure and amusement.
)
True Pisces.