Please tell me what is wrong with me. (Long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I can’t take it any longer. I need to get this off my chest.

The last relationship I was in ended in November of 2003. Since then, I have had zero sex and two dates which led to nothing. It’s getting to the point that the loneliness is driving me insane.

Let me start from the beginning. I didn’t have a mother during the stage of my life where having a mother was essential. After my birth, my mother went crazy and did all sorts of things of which I won’t go into detail here, except to say that my parents quickly got divorced. My entire life between a few months old and five years old was completely devoid of maternal nurturing. My father was a busy executive at IBM who tried his best to replace that need with nannies, but there were many nannies who weren’t all that great and each ended up quitting after only a few months.

Fast-forward to five years old. My dad meets this wonderful woman who he quickly marries. She has a son five years older than me, and we’re all finally a family. However, my parents finally admitted later on in my 20’s that the family was very parent-centric instead of child-centric. In my dad’s words, “Your mom and I were going to be happy, and the kids just had to deal with it however.” Family activities were planned around what mom and dad wanted to do. We never went to Disneyland or anything like that… the parents wanted a place to relax and escape their schedules, and the kids would have to find their own fun.

They divoced when I was 18, and I found myself all of a sudden on my own, weaned from home life faster than you can snap your fingers. Both parents became even more distant than they were, choosing to focus on their own lives and getting back into relationships. I am very close to my mom and was in the process of getting close to my dad until his recent stroke, but…

The need for nurturing was never quite fulfilled in me, which led to many problems with the opposite sex. I was always completely oblivious when a woman showed any interest, and when I finally took the hint, it was usually too late. When it wasn’t too late, I’d even further screw it up by being either too pressed or too afraid to make a move, or both. I attribute much of this to low self-esteem and fear of rejection, subconsciously thinking, “there’s no way these girls could possibly like me… why should I even try?” And in the instances that someone told me flat-out, “I like you” (one female friend of mine I was interested in actually stripped naked right in front of me, and I didn’t even do anything about it), and I made the move, I would all of a sudden shower her with more attention than she wanted. She’d feel smothered and get the hell out of Dodge.

So, to recap, I’m not very good at meeting women to begin with. When I do, I totally screw it up by showing either not enough interest or too much. One girl actually told me, “I liked you until you opened your mouth.” I need to feel loved and nurtured and approved of, and there really only was one woman who was willing to give me all that (the last one). I can’t stand being alone anymore.

I consider myself a pretty good-looking guy. I take care of myself; go to the gym, try to eat right, good personal hygiene. I’ve never done or even tried drugs. I’m smart and pretty well-educated. I’m a total romantic who practically invented the idea of candles around the rose petal-filled bathtub. I love to cook and will gladly do it every night of the week. I have the sex drive of a mountain lion, especially after a few beers. (:D) And I’ve been told by several people that I’m the easiest person they’ve ever met to talk to. I get along with almost everybody, be they white, black, green, purple, straight, gay, both, unknown, Democrat, Republican, fundamentally religious or staunchly atheist.

But I’m also inconfident and very needy. I rarely have money and have a difficult time holding onto a job because of acute Attention Deficit Disorder. I talk loudly much of the time. I make inappropriate jokes at inappropriate times. I interrupt people. While open-minded, I’m also extremely opinionated and difficult to talk to when I’m irritated.

So, any advice? Similar stories? Is anyone who has met me willing to vouch for me? I know many people are going to reply with, “Just be yourself and stop looking – someone will fall into your lap.” Well, this IS myself, and try as I might, it’s impossible to stop looking. I’ve attempted many times.

Someone please help.

Adam

2

Needy is the single biggest turn-off in the history of turn-offs.

3

Agreed, Glory, and you see why the neediness is there.

4

Have you considered getting counseling? It sounds like you have fairly complex emotional baggage coupled with inappropriate behaviors that may or may not be tied in with your ADD. When someone has substantial emotional problems, it’s extremely difficult to impossible to make lasting changes on their own. If you are truly commited to changing for the better and being happy, counseling for an extended period of time is really your best bet.
Yes, alot of people will wave away your concerns with “there’s someone for everybody” and “you’ll find someone eventually”, but there’s also a good chance that you’ll be alone for the rest of your life. And even if you do find someone that loves you and is willing to be with you long-term, it’s likely that they will also have very involved issues and problems. IME, emotionally healthy people aren’t willing to be in relationships with people that are emotionally fucked up. But emotionally fucked up people are more than willing to hang with their own kind.
Something to think about.

5

I’ve been in and out of therapy all my life. I stopped going to my most recent psychiatrist because of lack of money and insurance.

6

I’d have to agree with Glory, and I’m not sure I see why the neediness is there.

At some point in life you’re going to have to stop falling back on your past for your present situation.

7

Ding! ding! ding!

To second what Glory points out, I’d say (based soley on your OP) that this is your area to work on. IMHO, needy people are absolutely the hardest people to work with in any relationship - be it romantic, professional, platonic - whatever.

I see this in people from a professional and platonic perspective, and I always end up simply not wanting to be around them any longer. The bottom line is (for me): Look - we all have our problems. We all have issues, and some people deal with it better than others. Not many people are looking to add to their problems by bearing the emotional weight of someone else who’s going to bring a ton of it to the table, despite their positives. Start playing the game of “My problems are bigger than yours”, and your prospective mates are gonna leave skid marks as they leave.

I’d say, become low maintenance, less needy and more confident, and the rest will take care of itself. A tall order, indeed. Maybe a book or two in these areas will start you off in the right direction.

My completely free advice - stop living in your past.

And if I’m way off base with this - I apologise.

8

I’m not trying to use my past as an excuse, but to give people insight as to why I am the way I am. Much of what I mentioned was gleaned from therapy.

9

I have to say I really don’t understand when people admit to having difficult issues, they admit that it’s wreaking havoc in their lives and making them miserable, yet they say they don’t have the time or money for counseling to help. You either want to change, or you don’t, it’s that simple.
Not all help has to come from an expensive, degreed professional. There are many Certified Social Workers in most communities that charge way less for their sessions, and could assist you in making dramatic changes. If you can’t afford to do this on your own, you should be able to qualify for some state-funded behavioral health services. These services are in place to help low-income people.
If you are sincere in your desire to become a happier person, you’ll take the initiative, research your options, and take the actions that you need to.
You are in charge of your life. No one’s likely to come along and save you from yourself.

10

Here’s something to think about, though. Personally, I think the fact that you reference your past to define who you are today is the relevant insight about you, not what actually happened in your past. Does that make sense? IOW, you could have written everything you wrote in the OP or you could have said, “I tend to blame a lot of who I am today on the past.” In my mind, that’s the issue, not the actual details of your past.

11

Being in and out of therapy my entire life has brought me up to this point. Like Groucho Marx said, “I’ve worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.” Telling me, “Just deal with it. Stop blaming your past and take some responsibility.” is not helpful. I’ve worked very hard to get to the point I am today. It’s a wonder that I’m not sleeping on someone’s couch and spending my rent money on heroin.

I’m not looking for sympathy, but sheesh, a little empathy would be nice. Perhaps you all have never been at the point that I am. Perhaps you have. Things look a lot different from down here. If I was feeling that sorry for myself, I wouldn’t try so hard to take care of myself. The emotional baggage is something I try very hard to hide in social situations, but my body language and speech make it all too visible. These types of things aren’t something you can just “fix.” I’m 25 years old and deathly afraid that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. I could go back to my ex, and you know what? She would probably accept me. But I don’t want either of us to feel like I’m just “settling” for her because I can’t find someone else.

12

Well, here’s my 2 cents.

What you need right now is not a relationship - right now you need to get your shit together.

I think you’re looking for all the wrong things in a girlfriend - someone who will make you feel nurtured, and loved and taken care of. That’s not a girlfriend, that’s a mother.

You need to work on your ADD. You need to work on getting a reasonable job. You need to work on your self esteem. You need to work on making friends that aren’t girlfriends, and you need to learn how to take care of yourself.

It’s a tall order, and frankly, too much to expect an SO to take on - you’re going to have to tackle some of this stuff yourself.

Sort out the ADD - get some life-training, or medication, or something that will allow you to manage this disorder. I have no idea what sorts of resources are available in the US, and I have no idea what your financial position is; however, opposed to therapy, I think some life-skills training would serve you really well. Can you ask your dad for help? A sibling?

Get yourself a job so that you have a realiable source of income.

Then, when you’re mentally stable, and financially stable, you can worry about romance.

13

BTW - I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you - I think you just need a bit of help learning to take care of yourself.

FWIW - I think this is a really common place for people in their 20’s to be, and I think once you manage it (and you will), you’ll be totally appealing to the ladies.

Hang in there. :slight_smile:

14

While I have very little hope of you “fixing” yourself, I think you’d have a high chance of succcess with some form of therapy. It doesn’t have to be expensive. And just because you’ve had therapy in the past that hasn’t totally worked for you doesn’t mean future therapy doesn’t stand a chance. Even a support group (most likely free) would be something. I’m sure tons of people (myself included) have changed a great deal through therapy. Sometimes you just have to go through many therapists and/or forms of therapy to find the right one for you.
And I do have empathy for you.
I also second the opinion that you don’t need a girlfriend right now. You need to work on yourself and learn to be happy on your own. Please don’t enter another relationship until you can bring something to offer another, instead of just being a drain on another.

15

Which is where it should stay, IMHO.

16

You want to know what you can do? Here are some concrete steps. Note that none of them have to do with “resolving feelings” or other such nonsense which won’t get you anywhere.

  1. Forget therapy. If the things from your OP was “gleaned from therapy” your therapy’s been garbage. (“Parent-centric”… God, there aren’t enough rolly-eyes for that one).

  2. Check out or buy “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. Corny? Yeah, but it’s generally true, and emphasizes behaviors you should probably start practicing over and over.

  3. Continue working out. Go twice as much as you go now.

  4. Once you’ve finished reading “How to Win Friends”, find something else positive to read. Once you’ve finished that, find another one. Always be reading things that condition your mind to concrete, positive behaviours.

  5. Learn how to manage your money. Learn how to save. Start a savings account. Do whatever it takes to get power and control over your earning and money. Mention ADD to me as an excuse and I’ll kick your ass. ADD or no, you can find a steady job that you can do well and stick with.

  6. Find two or three hobbies, activities, club, church, SOMETHING, that you enjoy and enjoy doing or going to BY YOURSELF. If you don’t learn to enjoy time alone, and doing things by yourself, no one else will be interested in spending time with you either (this goes back to the “needy” thing that others have addressed above).

Yes, I HAVE been, to some degree or another, where you’ve been. I DO empathize. Empathy doesn’t help anyone, but concrete steps and behaviours do. Do the above for a year. Hell, if you don’t like what I’ve written, write up your own list, and follow through consistently. In a year, see if things haven’t drastically changed for you.

17

I just got out of a 2-year dry spell a few months back, and I know how painful loneliness can be. Sometimes I would consider going to frat parties or bars just to feel human contact again. I didn’t, and I’m happy I didn’t, but that’s how desperate I was.

Everything drpepper is very good (especial How to Win Friends…). I would only add two things:

  1. Get a dog or cat. If you can’t have one in your apartment or house, volunteer at the Humane Society. It isn’t sad to see the dogs once your realize how quickly they are usually adopted out. The walking is good for you, it is a socially-acceptable way to get physical contact, and a dog is the best listener there is. :slight_smile:

  2. Sign up for a partner dance class (where you don’t have to bring your own partner). It is a great way to practice your social skills in a low-pressure environment.

A good dance class will have you dance with each partner for 1-2 minutes before switching, so if you say something akward, she has until next class to forget it. Plus, it will give you good practice in asking girls out (to dance). And an average-looking guy becomes much cuter when I find out he is a good dancer ;).

18

I forgot to add that dancing is great way to get skin-to-skin contact without all the complications of sex. Just don’t ask the same girl to dance more than 3x in a row or she may think you’re stalker-ish.

I also second (third?) the recommendation that you don’t date until you are in a more stable. At the very least, telling a girl you aren’t dating right now is huge turn on. Because we’re weird like that.

19

Agent Foxtrot, I know where you’ve been, where you are, and what you’re going through for personal reasons effectively parallel to yours which I cannot disclose. First, look at the human heart. It’s ugly. Compassion is taught, not instinctive. Most Dopers don’t understand where you’ve been and cannot relate. They think happiness is a state of mind, and a positive attitude can solve everything. BS! When you’ve been held down or hurt by something in the past, you will never be the same person again. No different than broken glass or bent metal, you will never repair it 100% (unless you melt it down and start all over again). We cannot start over again, unfortunately. We must go on from where we are making the best hand with what life has dealt us.

So, what to do? I wish there were an easy answer. When dating, don’t spill your guts - although I know you’re starved for companionship and friendship. Go slow, although I know that is easier said than done. The right one will come when you least expect it. Date around a lot, no matter what it takes. Take your time to feel out what kind of person your date is. I know, you want someone NOW, and I’ve been there, too…but do all you can to meet and date and socialize and laugh. Hang loose, and your charm will outshine the excess baggage weighting you down.

I gotta run for now, but I’ll check back to see how you’re doing! Hey, it’s ok to feel weak sometimes…but keep living for those happy times, and the weaker times will be coming around less and less.

For starters,

  • Jinx
20

I empathize, because I’m even more screwed up myself. But I wanted to drop in and say that, no matter what, finding someone else to be what you need is nothing but a recipe for disaster. When I first started seeing my last ex, I thought I was ins complete control of the situation (or at least knew what I was getting in to) and whatever happened, I could deal with the chips falling as they may.

Unfortunately, a year plus later and I got dumped, me being so freakin’ needy made it worse than anything I’d experienced up to that point. That was at the end of July and I still haven’t fully (or even partially?) recovered. Sometimes I wonder if I will. However, choosing him to improve my life, instead of my own work of therapy and medication and dedication to whatever, was the most awful decision I’ve ever made.

It certainly sucks to take time out from real life to get one’s crap together. Sadly, that’s the only way you’ll have one, is if you do that first.

P.S. To let you know how far I still have to go… when I first read your OP, I almost volunteered for SO service because we’re both insecure and need lots of attention. Ya know, that whole ‘two peas in a pod’ syndrome. Then I read on and remembered why taking on the problems of others, especially when your own are not worked out, is the wrong thing to ever do.

Good luck!