Look, Agent, when it comes to being happy (first with yourself, then with others) what I do is look at it as any other goal. It’s a project. I define the goal, and then I research what steps it would take for me to reach that goal. Then I try as hard as I can to complete each step, and invariably at some point after much hard work, the steps are finished and the goal is won.
This process works for careers, child-rearing, building a house, almost anything you want to achieve. Including happiness. Maybe you could at least see someone to talk about what your goals are, what you’re doing to block your success, and what steps you can take to accomplish them. Look at this point in your life as a defining moment. This is where you can use your off-time to make a plan and begin a transition from lonely, scared little boy into strong and confident man.
I empathize with you very much. I was at one point a lonely, scared little girl who thought I needed a man to take care of me, and I participated in more than one dysfunctional relationship to get my needs met. I’m now a strong and confident woman because I did exactly what I’m advising you to do. I made a plan and followed through with it. Now I need no one but myself. And others definitely respond positively to someone with a high confidence level.
If you want to talk more about it, you can always IM or email me.
How can you say this without ever having met Agent Foxtrot?
I’ve observed a huge amount of “emotionally-fucked-up” people that have frequent relationships. People who are abusive, selfish, stupid, sociopathic even, do often have a partner that puts up with them for whatever convoluted reason. This doesn’t mean that these relationships are healthy or good for the partners’ quality of life in any way. Sometimes it is far far better to be single.
YMMV.
Let’s face it- it is a basic human desire to want to be with someone. Wanting to not be alone is not abnormal, and it’s not always better for someone to be alone forever. Some people are happier when they are in a relationship. What we can agree on is that if they do find a partner when they are emotionally disturbed, the relationship is likely to be dysfunctional. Emotionally unhealthy people should not pursue relationships that are destined to be bad for them and the other person.
Emotionally healthy people, however, are not always completely happy being alone for the rest of their lives, and that’s okay.
So far the advice that’s been right on the money is Drpepper’s. As usual, he speaks great wisdom.
Here’s the thing, Agent:
**You can’t really change how you feel inside, but
You CAN change the way you act, and
That will change the way you feel.**
Look, you had a shitty childhood? Or think you did? Can’t change that, dude. You are, sadly, stuck with that. But honestly review the situation:
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Your alleged dry spell would not even be considered a slump by the standards of some people,
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Your description of yourself and your alleged problems with women describes almost EVERY young single guy, and
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You seem to know you have an ADD problem, though… meh, I won’t go further into that.
What you can control is:
1. Get a job and keep it. If you have trouble because of ADD, get medication. You will not have much of a life without a decent job and cash flow, so fix that first and foremost. Do whatever it takes. Get off your ass and work. You’re a grownup now, and guess what? Chicks dig guys who can provide and have direction in life.
**2. If you think you’re too loud, shut up. ** Think about what you’re going to say before you say it. Remember, you always talk faster than you think you do, and nobody minds a guy who pauses for a second before he gives his opinion. You have two ears and one mouth and they’re best used in that ratio.
**3. Stop analyzing yourself. ** In the same post you told us that you’re the easiest person to talk to and then you told us you’re irritating to talk to. You said you were open minded and then said you were over opinionated. You’re gazing at your own navel and women (and men too) hate that. Stop it. Go and DO SOMETHING. Play softball. Join a club. Get into a co-ed volleyball league (Co-ed sports leagues are a wonderful way to meet girls; if you joined my softball league, I could line you up for two months) Dance class, film class, whatever. Just stop analyzing yourself and do something.
4. GET A REAL JOB. Fix your finances. It’s worth repeating. All the rest of this is bullshit unless you square your life away.
Agent Foxtrot, as you look over the responses, you are going to have an inate sense of what is right for you.
My suggestion is that you must become for yourself the parents that you never really had. You will need to learn how to nurture yourself, teach, empower, console, encourage, take pride in, celebrate, counsel, and love yourself. And you can learn to do that.
When you can’t afford counselling, then read. If you can’t afford the books, check them out of the library. Spend some time outside on your own and learn to enjoy your own company.
A couple of people have mentioned How to Win Friends and Influence People. I urge you to wait about reading that. You need to make friends with yourself first. One book that helped to instill in me a sense of independence and courage was the book The Tracker by Tom Brown. Strangely, it’s not a self-help book. It’s about wilderness survival, but it’s very moving and centering.
Cut yourself some slack. Get yourself in good emotional shape by spending as much time on what is within you as you do on your physical health (which is also very important.)
It’s really a good thing that you have shared here. Many of us have been right where you are and we hear you loud and clear. Don’t ever hesitate to talk it out. I don’t hear you dwelling in the past. I know that you are explaining what has led to where you are now. Ultimately, you must inquire within.
Life’s dealt you a deck of cards and you need to play the hand you have, instead of complaining about the cards you didn’t get. Beyond that it sounds like you’ve internalized hook, line and sinker whatever half assed opinions your therapist may have had about your upbringing. “Child-centric - Parent-centric”? Jesus I’ve never heard a bigger bunch of horseshit! My parents decided where they wanted to go without consulting us (the bastards!) , and we sure did make our own fun wherever the hell that was.
You need to dial your sensitivity meter down quite few notches, and re-think this “it was a twisted upbringing” spin you (via your therapists) have put on your childhood to explain the bad behaviors you indulge in like “neediness.” My mother was an alcoholic, and my father was often away overseas with the State Department. As an adolescent I had to deal with some crazy situations for extended stretches of time.
I have my personal problems as you have yours, but the last thing I’m going to do is blame them on my parents. I’m an adult and I can make choices, and so can you. If you want a date you’ve got to stop suckling on the teat of parental blame and drop the neediness shtick. It repels women llke a force field and makes men despise you. Besides that it’s just insanely annoying. Grow up and move on. Women like that.
What Astro said.
Let’s put it this way: everyone, every single person on this earth can look back on their childhood and bemoan it in some way.
Some of us had typically shitty parents (alcohol, drugs, abuse, molestation) and some of us had seemingly normal parents who screwed us over by bestowing upon us too many material possessions, or bothering us with God, or battering us into a belief in the virtues of becoming an accountant. We’ve all got something to get pissed off about.
You can continue to blame your upbringing for your inadequacies (and thereby absolve yourself from responsibility for dealing with them) or you can just accept that you have chosen to become:
It’s your call dude. If you really want to meet someone and fall in love, you’re not going to do it with your current resume of personal characteristics.
Um…good luck all the same.
Adam,
Everything everyone has said so far, for the most part, has been spot on. I’m not going to repeat any of it. What I am going to offer is this. Call me. You have my number, and if you’ve lost it, my email is in my profile. Both Ginger and I like you quite a bit, and, I (we’d) be willing to sit down and talk to you about and through everything you’re dealing with. Look at me, I’m the bigest idiot in the world, and not too much to look at either, but somehow I managed to hook myself up with a fantastic woman like Ginger. It seems to me that you might benefit from friends who can love you for who you are and also offer you some perspective from our experiences. It’s not a substitute for professional therapy, and not intended as a magic bullet, but both of us have been close to where you are now. We got through it, and we can lend an ear and understand without judging you. You were over here at Xmas, I think you saw how absolutely dedicated we are to each other, while still being happy with each other as complete individuals. We’d love to talk, cry, commiserate, and share with you if you think it would help. Being yourself is not that hard once you break through all of the pretenses society forces upon us, but it does take some work. Being contented with yourself is a bit harder, but trust me when I say it is the absolute key to being happy. Careers and relationships follow from that. Once you get there, the world becomes your oyster. I’d like to help you if I can.
Oh, and as far as the sex goes, don’t worry about that. I’ve had plenty of sex, but believe it or not, it will come. Personally, I can’t imagine having sex with anyone but Ginger( well, I can imagine it ') ). I just don’t want to.
I can relate to Agent Foxtrot’s predicament. I’m a nice, quiet, caring guy. Yeah, a little needy, oh and there’s one more nice little fact. I have scars all over my forearms from a semi-serious suicide attempt. That will get the ladies! :smack: I’m trying to take things slow, and deal with my own insecureties, but damn, I guess I’m happier when I’m in a relationship. Trust me, no self-repecting woman likes to be the “fixer” and those who do usually have plenty of issues of their own. I suppose I would say here “friends will help you through the times” but, I don’t have any local peer group. I hope I’m not alone for the rest of my life, but it’s getting on two+ years…
I haven’t got much to add that, having met you IRL, I thought you were very cool and enjoyable to talk to, and, yes, good-looking. I think maybe you’re letting a focus on the “needs improvement” areas of your life run down your entire self-image. Be patient with yourself, stop expecting your life to run on a timetable, and the right girl will come. But she won’t be a cure-all, just your girl. The impetus to repair your flaws must come from you.
Hey, if Weirdave can find true love, then there’s hope for anybody. 
This is speaking from my experience as a woman who’s had too many boyfriends expect me to ‘fix’ them or were too ‘needy’;
The only thing that’s wrong with you, Agent, is that you’re convinced there’s something wrong with you. There’s not. You’re you, warts and all, and any ‘issues’ you see within yourself are part of who you are.
Without knowing you at all, I can honestly say that asking for advice puts you in a small percentage of very dateable men.
Wanna meet people? Become a regular at Waffle House (or any other diner style place with regular customers). Seriously. Just try to hold off on the food, and don’t date the servers.
I was in a somewhat similar situation you were in. I really hated being single, but I felt ‘hopless’ when it came to meeting people. I felt emotionally handicapped; as if I lacked some essential component everyone else had that leads to healthy relationships. I thought I was just one walking turnoff to women. What did I do?
Well, for starters, focused on other aspects of my life. The posters who mentioned keeping down a job are dead-on. It will definitely help. Working at something you enjoy/excel in with build your self-confidence. When you try something new and enjoy it, it makes it easier to try other things and take bigger emotional risks. I’m betting there have been a lot of situations you conciously or subconciously passed over, because of anxiety. Once you work through your issues on a more general level (your overall satisfaction) things will get a little easier.
Another problem some people can have is being oversensitive. I see it in a lot of my peers. These are individuals who have problems that are fixable, but when they get constructive criticism from other people, they take it personally and get upset. Since they think they were mistreated/insulted, they don’t take the advice and whatever behavioral flaw they had stays with them. Sometimes you have to hear really embarassing things people are annoyed about you, and just try to improve yourself.
Okay, let’s get a few things straight.
[ul]
[li]I do not need to be around this person 24/7. I won’t follow her around or ask her to marry me after a week. I have my life, she has hers. Once a week or so for starters is just fine.[/li][li]I do not need someone else to have fun. I’ve been on my own for years and years. I’ve learned how to enjoy things by myself. I will continue to do things I enjoy with or without a significant other. Would things be a bit more fun with someone else? Of course! But I don’t and won’t sit in my apartment miserable. And frankly, believe it or not, there are times I just want to be alone.[/li][li]I don’t blame my parents for all my problems. Some people have lives a little harder than others. My parents have apologized, and there’s nothing I can do to change my past. Like I said, I was offering reasoning behind my need for a bit of nuturing.[/li][li]I’m not unemployed. I said it was difficult to hold a job. Not impossible.[/li][li]I am already on medication for ADD. Adderall works wonders for adult ADD.[/li][li]I’m not friendless. I’ve lost touch with some people over the years after moving to Catonsville, and yes, perhaps I should go out and see my existing friends more. But that’s an issue completely separate from this one.[/li][li]I am not asking my dad for help. He’s currently in the hospital with half his body paralyzed from a stroke. He fades in and out of confusion. He’s hanging on to his own life right now. He needs me right now, not the other way around.[/li][li]I am not deflecting advice or constructive criticism from anyone who replied. I felt pretty ganged up on in this thread, like people were sick of hearing from people complaining about loneliness. Some of the threads here were pretty negative and made a lot of assumptions without having met me. And some things said were pretty damn harsh without needing to be.[/li][/ul]
To sum, yes, there are times where I get extremely unhappy. Who doesn’t? I guess the thing I’ve missed the most is cuddling. Just to hold someone and be held. Many people find wonderful lovers who don’t deserve them. Many are making it sound like I don’t deserve someone until I fix myself. SallyCan’tDance put it perfectly:
Life isn’t fair.
I don’t know where that comes from–everyone should be loved and have someone to cuddle. Like I said, I really liked meeting you and I’m surprised that you don’t have a girlfriend. You’re intelligent, fun to to talk to, and you’re definitely handsome. You have a lot going for you, and it seems that you’re letting the negative feedback from within and without get the better of you.
You are loveable and you will be loved by the right woman.
Adam, I like you. You do not come across as too loud, at all. And like Dave said, come over and see us when you need or want to. We’ve got big ears and we’ll listen. And probably feed you.
Yer just jealous she got to me before you did. Get over it. 
I felt sufficiently compelled to respond to this that I actually made the enormous effort of prying my wallet from my pocket, pulling out my credit card, and paying for a subscription. 
Hi all!
First of all, Foxtrot, let me offer some of that empathy that you are requesting. (not sympathy…you know that you’re your own biggest problem.) Without going into detail, I’ll say that my upbringing was similar in many ways to yours. I know where you’re coming from and what you’re going through, 'cause I have the same problem. (It’s been since early 2002 for me.)
When I first read the responses to the OP in this thread some of them really pissed me off. Read Dale Carnegie? Take up a hobby? Go dancing? My instinct is to snap back: “You people don’t have a farking clue!” Then I re-read through the responses and realized that almost every poster (even drpepper who I pretty much catagorically disagree with) is offering, if not empathy, at least some kind of support. The problem is that a lot of it couched in terms of some kind of advice, much of which comes across as critical, impersonal, and frequently inappropriate. It’s not that it’s not good advice–a lot of it is excellent and nearly all of if it is well-intentioned–but like almost all advice it is more appropriate to the advisor than the recipient.
For instance the “How to Win Friends…” or “Take a dancing class” advice; these are excellent ways to learn communication skills and meet people. Judging by the responses of a few posters who have met him, he doesn’t have any problem communicating; his problem is that he thinks he has a problem, i.e. too loud, inappropriate, et cetera. Clearly, he doesn’t have a problem actually meeting people, either–he has a problem connecting with the people he meets, which of course, makes one feel like a failure at meeting people and results in avoidant behavior.
In short, his problems (IMHO, IANAD, and all that) are a deep-seated insecurity and anxiety. The “I can’t meet people, speak inappropriately, et cetera” are just an excuse to avoid bringing up situations where he feels insecure or anxious. Offering up a few pointers on social edicate or a recommending an activity doesn’t begin to address the problem. How many remember the scene from “Taxi Driver” where Bickle (DeNiro) approaches The Wizard (Peter Boyle) for help with the “bad things in his head”, only to get a long spiel about “be who you are, learn to accept your place, yada yada”?
Much of this advice, while well-meant, is similarly superficial. Foxtrot isn’t just a little unhappy, he isn’t just kind of lazy, he isn’t just “in a rut”; he’s in a self-reinforcing downward spiral. Some of this advice might work, for a while, but when it fails, it comes down with a crippling blow. As an example, when my last girlfriend suddenly broke up with me, the easy sort of equilbrium that I was then enjoying (and assuming to indicate that I was over my past issues) evaporated like steam in a Chinese laundry. I sank into a deep depression that was totally out of proportion to the reality (loss of a 1 year relationship) of the situation. It didn’t help that I had few supportive friends, no family, lost my job and had to pick up and move halfway across the country a few months later, even though my destination was sunny Southern California. Any relatively healthy person would “roll with the punches” and appreciate the many good things about the new situation (lovely climate, ocean and mountains, freedom to pursue others.) Me, I’ve cycled through just hoping it’ll feel a little better to suicidal depression for the last three years.
Foxtrot, again, I offer up a serving of empathy. You’re not the only person to go through this, and though many people don’t really understand that this isn’t just some existential ennui that can be drowned out with activity, there are a lot of people who want to help you.
Here is, for what it is worth, my advice to you:
- Keep going with the therapy: (Wow, did I say that? :eek: ) I used to think it was so much bullshit. Actually, I used to think feeling any emotions other than anger and pleasure were bullshit. (Thanks, Dad.) So, of course, talking about them was bullshit. Now, I’ll be the first to point out that a lot of therapy is crap; all the labels and catagories and who didn’t give you what you wanted on your eighth birthday–crap. The thing is, defining the labels, and talking about the reasons you hold a grudge for some long-should-be-forgotten transgression gets past all the crap you feed yourself and lets you get to the real reasons that you’re upset.
The point of therapy isn’t to assign blame, or find a peer group with whom to sit around and gripe, or anything of the like. The point is to get you to start thinking about the real reason that your brain is giving you the idea that you can’t communicate and no one likes you. That’s nothing more than bad programming; but you can’t start debugging code until you know the language. Trying to tack on some kind of superficial fix (whether by loading up on activities or resigning yourself to being a codependant something-or-another) is like Microsoft grafting poorly thought-out features onto overbloated, bug-ridden code. (Hi, Bill!)
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Be honest with yourself: If you feel bad, you feel bad. Growing up where I did, watching other children endure physical and occasional sexual abuse from their parents, I didn’t feel like I had any right to feel bad that my parents were (for the most part) merely neglectful and (sometimes) verbally abusive. Even when my mother threatened to kill me (not in jest or as an idle threat) I didn’t really feel that I had right to complain. I wasn’t coming to school with missing teeth or slitting my wrists because my father was raping me for five years, like some of the kids I knew. But I felt bad, alone, abandoned, all the same. I was justified in feeling that way. I still do, even though I’m not in that situation anymore. I need to change that, but for years, through struggling (unnecessarily) in college, through a failed marriage, through years of self-isolation, I just totally denied that it was even a problem. The world was a cruel place, I just didn’t fit into it, and that was that. No problem.
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Find some way to connect with people in a non-critical environment: Part of “getting over” your problems is learning that you can be accepted, that people like being around you, like talking to you, like touching you. (No, not there. Well, I mean, certain select people…
) Group therapy (eeg! There I go again! I sound like Ann Freaking Landers with the therapy shilling!) can be pretty useful for this. There are rules, there’s a moderator, and everybody there is there because they have problems…just like you! Mind you, you need to find a group that works for you, but discovering that you aren’t the only one that feels this way reduces your sense of isolation. -
Get a massage: No, not with “Happy Ending”. :rolleyes: Seriously, humans are social animals who have an inbuilt desire for physical contact. If you grew up in an environment like I did, where hugging was verboten and the only allowed contact was punching and backslapping (unless you were a jock, in which case everything short of fondling another man’s testes was acceptible) you’ve probably repressed your desire, but the need is still there. Getting a massage is highly theraputic; even though it is a nominally impersonal exchange of money for services, you feel like you’ve connected and fullfilled that contact need. (Tricking the programming by giving it false input, see.) Good massues will probably try to engage you in conversation and otherwise make you feel comfortable. I was astonished at how much better this made me feel, and I kick myself for not doing it more often. Shop around and you’ll find that you can get a massage pretty cheap, as long as you’re not insisting on the lastest “deep tissue” fad.
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Take care of yourself: (This coming from the guy who keeps putting off going to the dentist. :rolleyes: ) If you feel like shit, you’re going to feel like shit. Get some exercise. Eat good stuff. All that jazz. You know the drill.
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Let the rest of the stuff take care of itself: Trying to “just do it”, to go out and socialize when you feel terrible, to berate yourself for not getting more out of life, to shame yourself by not being Julio Sauve, to fret about not making investments…look, you’re setting yourself up to fail (and so are all of the other respondants by insisting that you just “get over it”) by expecting this to all go away like turning off a light. Set small, modestly challenging goals that you can achieve and that make you feel a sense of accomplishment. (Some days, just doing the laundry is an accomplishment.) Realize that when you are ready to move onto bigger things (a better-paying job, a serious romantic relationship) you’ll be enthusiastic, or at least hopeful, about them. Not that they will or should be easy, or straightforward, or that you won’t be anxious, but it’ll be the good kind of anxious; the kind you feel when you know you’ll ace the test, or are waiting for the first date with the cute little redhead in Finance, or whatever. You’ve had 20+ years for your environment to toss your ship around the stormy seas, and most of that has been either out of your control, or you’ve lacked the tools and knowledge to deal with it. It’s going to take time, and finite resources, to get your yacht into ship-shape condition.
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Finally (finally!), realize that other people have problems too: Some people’s problems, or their ways of dealing with them, aren’t like yours. Some people deal with their problems by lashing out at everyone else; we call them assholes. (Hi, Dad’s Wife!) Some people are just like you, only you’ll never meet them becuase they are just as wrapped up and isolated in their own misery as you are in yours. Some people have problems that are unfixable, or at least result in severely reduced functioning, like autistics or paedophiles. (Note to the autism crowd: I was not comparing autistics to paedophiles.) You’ve got a little of that with your ADD, but it sounds like it’s largely treatable. The other problems are completely fixable (and mostly related to your own perception of yourself, to hear it told by others.) As bad as things may be, they really aren’t that bad, which I know isn’t much comfort when you’re feeling alone and grim, but by repeating that to yourself, you can get through the dark spots.
Frankly, I realize that I’m offering up this advice more to excise my own demons than in the notion that it’ll provide a revelationj that will somehow make you all better. I imagine standing outside myself and advising me on what to do. Maybe some or all of this doesn’t apply to you, and if so feel free to ignore it. But know that you’re not the only one, that just becuase So-and-So had a Worse Childhood (and there’s always someone who did) and Never Looked Back On The Way To Becoming Champion Of The World, doesn’t mean that you are wrong for feeling bad. Don’t fall into the trap of self-pity and committed helplessness, but don’t deny that you have bad feelings either. And even though some of the advice people give you may sound critical, it’s a response to your plight, and attempt to help you. It may not be the empathy you’re looking for, but it’s an illustration that people are trying to reach out to you, to comfort you, and offer help. Take it for what it is, and don’t let the criticism get to you.
Don’t give up.
Stranger
Aploogies for merely contributing a sort of “drive-by” if it seems that way, but I’ll say that Stranger’s advice sounds pretty damn good.
Very best wishes with everything, Agent Foxtrot.
Seconded! And for what it’s worth, I think you should take Dave and Ginger up on their offer to spend some time with them. Between the two of them, there’s a lot of wisdom and stuff. Oh, and Ginger’s a good cook.