I know where you are coming from Agent Foxtrot, I’m a 25 year old gal and I feel the same way sometimes.
The last guy I went out with lied, cheated on me, and stole from me. But I was sure I loved him. He took off, and for weeks I hoped he would come back, even though I knew what a jerk he was. I would sit inside for hours hoping he would call, it was pathetic. Finally I went away, I booked a week off work and went camping in the middle of nowhere, no phone, so I knew he wouldn’t be calling, and I could do something other than obsses over him. That’s what it took, after that I wouldn’t have to compulsivly check my phone messages, or make sure I was home when he got off work. I realise now that I never loved him, I just loved the idea of being with someone. I’m not saying I don’t miss him, every so often I get the urge to call him, but I haven’t.
So right now I’m alone, but that’s okay too, not that I wouldn’t rather be with someone, but you can’t rely on someone else to make you happy.
Life and self can seem very negative and “bad” when one is
a) low-income, and
b) going without sex and affection.
I spent most of my 20s living in a trailer, trying to raise my daughter on minimum wage. For five years, I didn’t have sex - there were a few first dates, but beyond that, nothing. I questioned every single good thing I had once believed about myself. When no one lays a hand on your body for so many years, I think it takes a lot out of you. Not to mention, in my situation, I was so poor I couldn’t even buy a new pack of socks or underwear when I needed them. Day after day of that kind of stuff, and anyone would be doubting themselves in every way.
It really helped simply to finish college and get a decent job, as well as meet a couple of people who were willing to date me (and love me in their own way). I still haven’t found my Happy Ending ™ like Prince Charming and all that, but the relief found in enough money and a little affection has been tremendous. I’d be willing to bet you are seeing your life (and yourself) through shit-colored glasses mainly because of the unrelenting nature of doing without.
I can’t say anything else that Stranger On A Train has said better. Email me if you want to just communicate with someone who has been in similar straits and who would love to lend a caring (virtual) ear to correspondence. Loneliness sucks.
Adam, I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad right now. I’ve ‘been there, done that’ on a lot of the levels you’re on. There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you that isn’t wrong with everybody else; that is to say, everyone’s got their share of faults (if you want to call them that), even the ones who seem to have everything. Hell, I’ve had depression and ADD since I was about 8, the depression wasn’t diagnosed till I was 16, and they didn’t catch the ADD till last year (!). Now, I’m finally on the right meds & therapy and I’m feeling some semblance of normalcy. I was labelled a freak in school, I was a fat kid, kind of a loner (not necessarily by choice) and had only one boyfriend before I was 19. I totally know where you’re coming from from the loneliness standpoint. I think you’re feeling particularly overwhelmed right now b/c of the situation with your dad. You need a shoulder to lean on and it just doesn’t feel like there’s one there. I’ve spent my share of painful nights lying in bed, wishing to feel someone’s embrace, but just feeling so alone. I’d say that the best thing right now would be to reach out to as many friends & family as you can. All I can say relationship-wise is: Ride it out for now. A lot of people are right in saying you need to get yourself together before you get a girlfriend. I wish someone had given me that advice years ago - it would have saved me a lot of crappy relationships. 
FWIW, Adam, I think you’re a real sweet guy. There’s a great girl that’s gonna be comin’ to ya, I know it.
You have my email, feel free to use it if you need a cybershoulder, k?
Try some of these tips: David D’Angelo Tips
Some sounds like horribly chavinistic… but all of it has some grain of truth !
Overall I’d say your problem is looking needy and feeling bad… women see that right away. Start slow… relax and don’t be so OVER. Naturally stop being picky or choosy if you are. Slowly get your “ego” back into shape so that women won’t run away.
(Maybe your just sticking around some sad and cold community… maybe you should live elsewhere ?)
I don’t know you and I don’t know your situation so I could be way off. But your problems don’t sound all-encompassing. Other Dopers who’ve met you seem to think you’re a good guy. You take care of yourself and have had relationships. It sounds TO ME like this is just a really difficult time for you with your father being in the hospital (It’s funny how, even if your/one’s parents weren’t the greatest, their illness and the possibility of losing them is greatly distressing.) and realizing that it’s been more than a year since you’ve been in a relationship and other things piling on. From my experience and that of others close to me, once a few things start piling up, everything else becomes overwhelming. The things that wouldn’t normally bother you become huge issues.
I don’t have any advice, but I don’t think you’re anywhere near hopeless. You’ve got a lot of things going for you and once the stressful, difficult times are past, I think you’ll be able to see them again. (As I said, I may be way off base, but my point is everything that’s going right now is making it tough to see the things you have going for you. If/when you can see those things, confidence will follow more easily than trying to find it in the midst of very difficult personal circumstances. I’m normally a confident, well-adjusted person. But when depression strikes, I feel like I am worthless, like no one likes me and there’s no reason for them to like me. That’s what this sounds like to me.)
Good luck. Your Doper friends are all pulling for you.
Stranger on a Train - Would you please email me? Thank you.
Adam
Some people lash out as a way of dealing with your problem because Your problem is fucking miniscule and a mustard seed compared to * Their Problem which you view is microscopic and the size of a dandelion seed. [ b]Everyone is fucked in the head* Once you understand this basic tenet in human behavior it will be much easier to deal with homosapiens. and prone ( or conditioned, take your pick) to whine about their own problems. No one listens anymore ( or very few) and those that do listen, if you can find them, do them the courtesy of listening back to their problems.
Here’s what I’ve Learned. YMMV
1.Everyone has had a hard life.
2. Those that say they have had it easy are deluded and probably should be avoided.
3.* Everyone is fucked in the head.*
4. Once you realize #3, it is kind of fun to view the other people as " Huh, I wonder what his/her problem/issue/baggage is?"
5. Then you can surround yourself with emotionally trainwrecked people and BE A God-Goddess. Ok, scratch 5. This would be an ample time for me to shout out to my SIL " Remind you of anyone?"
6.You can surround yourself with people who have the emotional integrity (no, that is not an oxymoron) that meshes with your own or would like to have and it can help make you a better person.
7. Get a pet. They listen unconditionally and start writing a manifesto, a rambling one is best.
8. I got nothin’.
We cannot change the wind, but we can adjust our sails.
Stranger on a Train you offer excellent advice. Actually, I liked all the advice from everyone because it is well meant.
This is actually an entertaining read. Dale Carnegie did have the knack for making you want to keep listening to or reading his words.
I am not deflecting advice or constructive criticism from anyone who replied. I felt pretty ganged up on in this thread, like people were sick of hearing from people complaining about loneliness. Some of the threads here were pretty negative and made a lot of assumptions without having met me. And some things said were pretty damn harsh without needing to be.
I see a lot of this from people who ask for advice, then reject the suggestions as personal attacks. That’s a big problem.
Learn that they’re not insulting you when they offer advice. I know it feels belittling, but you just have to realize your approach to solve your problems may not be enough. The other people on this thread have either been there themselves or encountered people like you before. They’re telling you what turned them off. They’re telling you what worked and didn’t work for them. Don’t take it personally. You’ll only be adding to the problems you already have. Just LISTEN to them.
They’re NOT attacking you. They’re NOT insulting you. They’re trying to offer you ADVICE and sometimes it’s not what you want to hear, but it’s just a DIFFERENT OPINION than yours. That’s all. Don’t make something out of it that it’s not.
I don’t mean to resurrect this thread, but I haven’t had a lot of time to reply in the past few days.
I knew people were going to think I was being argumentative and deflecting all the advice. I have taken all the advice in this thread into account, despite my belligerent appearance. Some of you have sent me emails with a lot of good advice (StrangerOnATrain, I’ll be emailing you soon). I just also felt that some people were particularly harsh when they didn’t need to be (and some agreed with me in email).
Just to update:
[ul]
[li]I already have a pet. Two cats, as a matter of fact.[/li][li]I’ll be checking out that book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. I’ve heard a lot of good things about it.[/li][li]I’ll be looking into a state-sponsored behavioral health program.[/li][/ul]
Adam