Underworld is slightly better than Serendipity because if you’re going to watch a movie to see Kate Beckinsale, you’d rather see her in a leather catsuit.
Previous: Underworld
Next: Blade
Comment: Haven’t seen Underworld, but have seen Blade, which has campy bad-ass vampires.
Previous: Blade
Next: The Package
Comment: Good political thriller with Gene Hackman (always a strong performer), Tommy Lee Jones (before he was overexposed), Joanna Cassidy (always charming), Dennis Franz (He plays a grumpy cop!), and John Heard (great actor, when did he gain all that weight?) that is unfortunatley outdated since the fall of the Soviet Empire.
Previous: The Package
Next: Turner & Hooch
Comment: Because when I think “mediocre cop movie”, I think “let’s add a dog to the mix.”
Previous: Turner & Hooch
Next: Bachelor Party
Because Tom Hanks was funnier in Bachelor Party.
Previous: Bachelor Party
Next: Dragnet
Better than Bachelor Party, not quite as good as **Joe vs. the Volcano
**
This is going to be easy:
Joe vs. the Volcano
Thanks, Krokodil! I thought I wasn’t going to be able to get one in, since Black Beauty with Mark Lester needed to be down near Plan 9 from Outer Space.
Previous: Joe vs. the Volcano
Next: Army of Darkness
Comment: Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This… is my boomstick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?
Previous: Army of Darkness
Next: Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Comment: What’s slightly better than bad special effects of an army of bad guys marching towards a beseiged fortress? Slightly better bad special effects of an army of bad guys marching towards a beseiged fortress. Plus: Dwarf tossing!
Previous: Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Next: In Bruges
Reason: If we’re going to have a midget/dwarf/little person, at least be cool about it.
Station Agent - if we’re going to have a little person, we should have a hot little person and Patricia Clarkson.
Previous: Station Agent
Next: Time Bandits
Why: C’mon, it’s got little people and Sean Connery!
Previous: Time Bandits
Next: The Hunt for Red October
Why: Sean Connery and a tightly-written plot, with Tim Curry in a bit part and James Earl Jones in a supporting part. Points deducted for Connery’s atrocious Scots-Russian accent.
Previous: The Hunt for Red October
Next: Dr. No
Why: What’s better than Sean Connery? A young, good-looking Sean Connery based on one of the better Bond novels.
Previous movie: Dr. No
Next movie: Goldfinger
Comment: Well, clearly the best Bond movie that features Connery.
Previous movie: Goldfinger
Next movie: District 13
Comment: Serviceable plot held together by breathtaking action and a lot of cool Parkour.
We seem to have made a few non-slight leaps here. We’re definitely into the category of “very good” movies by now.
Previous Movie: District 13
Next Movie: The General’s Daughter
Comment: John Travolta and Samuel L Jackson in a movie with less shooting, less cussing, and more plot than Pulp Fiction.
SSG Schwartz
Previous: The General’s Daughter
Next: Pulp Fiction
Comment: Shooting good. Cussing good. Plot bad.
Previous: Pulp Fiction (which I think is a GREAT movie, but I’ll play along)
Next: Goodfellas
Comment: Tour de force Scorcese gangster fare with an iconic performance from Joe Pesci.