If you see a lot of rats running in one direction and don’t know why, run with them.
Measure twice, cut once, shim as needed.
“Deteriorata”? That brings back memories.
From Nelson Algren:
“Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.”
Trust is the first step on the road to betrayal.
Unless you absolutely know the correct action to take: Don’t just do something, stand there.
Optimism is the first step to disappointment. .
So is trying to insert a YouTube link in a post.
Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
I salute you, sir. 
If you’re in the way, kindly get out of the way.
If you don’t know whether you’re in the way, kindly consider that, in fact, you very likely are in the way.
Bring the umbrella. Not to keep the rain off, but to prevent it from raining in the first place.
Never hit your grandma with a shovel; it makes a bad impression on her mind.
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
Never look straight up at a bird.
Don’t swim where there are sharks.
The most dangerous thing on the road is that other driver.
A wise man marries his second wife first (no reason that can’t apply to women, also).
A closed mouth says nothing wrong.
It’s not: Do what you love and the money will follow.
It should be: Do what you are good at to earn enough money to spend on the things you love.
Show me your friends and I will show you your future.
You should be able to count on your friends to tell you the brutal truth.
A Tiny Tim reference?
Well, no… I had in mind Steve Martin. I remember Tiny saying it on an album, now that you mention it.
Gentlemen, preee-senting:
Researching a bit (beware the rabbit-hole) it seems it was first recorded by Spike Jones, writing credits attributed, by one source, as Felix Hanemann - which can’t be right. I think maybe H.W. Hanemann of Flying Down To Rio fame. Anyhoo… opening line here:
This is my brush with it.
Work hard, stay humble.