Peel the stickers off your ripe plums before you trim your fingernails. 
Wot you got?
Don’t ignore red squiggly lines in the title of your OP.
Wot?
Wot?
Cut a cantaloupe in slices, like a loaf of bread, instead of cutting wedges out of it. This makes it easier to seal the unused portion.
If you have stuff in your pockets, step away from the toilet before pulling up your pants.
And the word is practical.
To find out what time it is, go to Argos and buy a cheap watch. The time will be printed on the till receipt.
Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After four miles, phone your wife to take the egg out of the pan.
In spring, only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won’t have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will have dumped you.
Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
Unused portion of cantaloupe? What is that.
As a fun story, when I was a teenager, my mom asked me to cut up a cantaloupe. Later, she asked me where it was, and it turns out that, instead of eating a chunk or two while I was was cutting, I had eaten the whole thing.
Whatever the tool, keep your hands behind the sharp end.
Do not test your saw blade for sharpness with your thumb. See above.
Just because the microwave isn’t hot, the food and the container are.
Damn, you’re like the Jack Handy of MPSIMS. I’d like to order a coffeetable book when you have a Kickstarter for it.
I wish I could take credit, but these are some of my favorites from Viz magazine’s “Top Tips” section - British humor. It has been around for decades, you can find literally thousands of them online. Also check out another section of the mag, Roger’s Profanisaurus.
A wise man once told me: Measure twice, cut once; similarly–You can always cut it shorter, but you can’t cut it longer.
If you have a hole in your sock, put it on inside-out, so the hole will be on the inside.
I once needed to know what time it was in a mall, so I stuck my head into a kiosk and asked the girl. She turned around and banged No Sale on the register and tore off the slip and handed it to me. Resourcefulness is a rare commodity these days – I wanted to marry her.
For small quantities in a blender, nearly all blenders are a perfect fit on a mason jar, which is then a lot easier to wash…
My Dad had a saying for this: “I cut it off twice, but it’s still too short!”
Cut it large and beat it into place.
You need one saw and a lot of sanders.
Or on your plums. Not to mention on your practicle.
You’re typing on a powerful information machine; there’s no reason to misspell anything, ever again. Practical AND topical!
Don’t mess around splitting atoms.
Oh wait, that is particle advice. Let me try again.
Spend three quarters of the time you were going to use complaining about the problem instead trying to solve the problem.