Per Scout 1222 and Eva Luna this is (IMO) the most correct answer.
In all honesty I’ve seen enough of relationships that if someone revealed to me that they had been physically assualted in a previous relationship and they were sort of wary about physical contact and/or emotionally fragile, I would sort of restrain myself with any sort of physically assertiveness in terms of playful roughhousing or asssertive sexual iovertures that might be taken the wrong way.
With respect to impact on a relationship it really depends on how the relationship develops over time. If the person who was assaulted stays in high fear mode and is flinchy about any kind robust physical expression, I don’t know if that relationship could work over the long run. If someone is potentially going to freak out when you’re both horsing around, men might (with some degree of justification) be cautious about initiating a relationship with an emotionallly fragile person, unless that’'s something they are willing to take into consideration (and many are) by modifying their behavior over the long run to accomodate whatever long term fears might exist.
I’ve been verbally abused by my mother my entire life and I’ve never had a “proper” relationship with a guy because I can’t get passed the idea that if my own mother doesn’t like me, why will this guy … ?
I know I have issues and therefore I chose a single life rather than try to find an understanding man who’d let me “be me” instead of being the perfect partner …
It wouldn’t have made anything better, but that’s not the point. From what I have seen and heard, when a woman does this, it’s either because she wants/expects the new guy to do the same, or she wants the new guy to forever apologize for something he didn’t have anything to do with. -Assuming the OP isn’t the type to smack a girl around, then it’s a lose/lose situation (there are women who expect this treatment, and guys who expect to do it–different strokes as they say).
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DougC, your POV is really depressing. It sounds to me like you are saying that nobody can ever change and learn not to put up with crap from people anymore. Geez, aren’t people allowed to make mistakes, and then learn from them? I sure learned from the schmuck in question, who I dated in high school. He was abusive, both physically and emotionally; I was young and stupid, and I put up with it then, but I’ve since learned to recognize abuse for what it is and I sure won’t put up with that crap anymore.
So basically, you are saying that people in my situation will never be able to have a decent, stable relationship with a guy who is not abusive? Am I understanding you correctly? This poor woman is trying to put this crap behind her, and she is trying to be honest with someone she is growing close to, and you’re basically telling him to ditch her because she’s “damaged goods”? I’d love to meet some of the perfect people in your world; you know, the ones who have no emotional baggage of any kind. They must be fascinating.
Gee, dougc, and all I thought I wanted when I told my husband about the abuse I suffered was for my husband to understand why I pulled all contact from almost all of my family and why I had such horrible nightmares all the time and why I sometimes react poorly to certain sexual situations.
Glad you cleared things all up for me and let me know what I really wanted was for him to hurt me a bit more:rolleyes:
I mentioned two possibilities, strange that neither you or tanooki even mentioned the second one: “… or she wants the new guy to forever apologize for something he didn’t have anything to do with.”
No, I am saying to ditch her because she is basically saying that she is damaged goods.
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Sorry, dougc, I meant to add that to the bottom of my previous post as neither of your points made any sense to me… Why would I want an apology from someone who did me no harm?
I guess I should have joined a cloister or something as I am just “damaged goods”
**DougC, **I guess I just have some sort of confidence that people who have survived abuse are, in fact, able to get past it, with the support and encouragement of people they care about and trust. You apparently don’t. I think if you are only willing to date people who have never had a bad relationship, then you are left basically with twelve-year-olds, or with other people who have never had a meaningful romantic relationship at all. Don’t you think this limits your options, and possibly rules out some really wonderful people who have just had an episode or two of bad luck?
I guess you are free not to date those who you consider “damaged goods,” but I sure hope you don’t manage to discourage those who are willing to put some effort into a relationship they feel is potentially quite worthwhile if they like the person enough.
I don’t think the woman in the OP wants the OP to “apologize,” she just wants him to understand her behavior and hopefully act accordingly, at least for the time being. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it sure does help. And even those of us with baggage do somehow mention not to lump all men into the same category with those who have treated us badly. Really, we do have the ability to see men as individuals.
Oh and **ski, ** if you read **DougC’s ** posts you have the perfect answer for why the woman you’ve been dating was reluctant to talk about this issue with you. Some people just can’t deal with revelations of that nature. IMO, of course, people who can’t deal with revelations of this nature aren’t worthwhile to date, anyway.
I would bet just about any amount of money that this is EXACTLY right. It is a widely held belief that guys don’t want to deal with chicks who have been abused, used to be anorexic, were molested by their camp counselor, ran away a lot as a teenagers, etc. Even is she doesn’t have any baggage, she might be assuming that you’ll THINK she does. Who would you rather date, the girl who just got out of an abusive relationship, or the girl who has had only healthy relationships?
" It is a widely held belief that guys don’t want to deal with chicks who have been abused, used to be anorexic, were molested by their camp counselor, ran away a lot as a teenagers"
Wow. 33 responses ago I asked this question so I think it’s about time to chime back in. I have been reading the comments with great interest, as I really want to try to understand this girl.
There does seem to be some occassional confusion though - I’m not asking why she would or would not want to tell me this information (it’s her business, not mine). I’m asking why she thought that telling me would scare me away. But I’ve gotten lots of useful answers and insight toward that question as well, thanks.
One of the main reasons I think I had trouble understanding the psychology at work here was that I have NO significant emotional baggage, I’ve been lucky. Never any bad break-ups, women stalking me, abusive relationships, or anything like that. Maybe my relationships have been boring, I don’t know. So it’s new to me, and in some ways I may be a little naive when it comes to stuff like this (though I guess it’s about time to learn, I am in my late 20’s!)
To be honest, I find this girl’s past (and I’ve heard more of it than I’m asking about in the OP, of course) just makes her more interesting, not less. I believe that we are all just a composite result of our life’s experiences. I have gone out with mostly women who have had no real experiences, and to be honest, found them somewhat uninteresting (bland?) This girl seems different, which is why I’m endeavoring to find out more about her and why I asked the quetion in the first place - I want to understand.
Am I that strange?
Thanks all so far, you’ve given me a lot to think about. We’ve got a date tomorrow, it will be interesting to talk to her and be able to evaluate her responses with the insight I’ve gained above. Thanks. I’ll let you know how it goes.
BTW, did you ask her for the specifics on how they got into that argument where he hit her & what she did or didn’t do that might have caused him to react as he did?
Sorry it took so long to get back and report on the date!
It went very well, but it was interesting being able to evaluate her words and actions with the ideas presented by everyone who responded. It’s strange - she seems to be perfectly comfortable telling me pretty much anything, but yet is quite obviously a little insecure in general about relationships and wants to be comforted. I can’t quite figure it out yet but since we have a good time together I’ll get more chances to understand her better.
She’s told me some more strange things about herself (nothing serious like the abuse, but stuff that to some people might drive them away). In a way, it almost seems like she’s testing me to see how many weird things she can tell me before she does drives me off! But it hasn’t worked yet, mostly because I find her a lot of fun and fascinating too, and I appreciate her being honest with me. THAT’s of key importance to me.
handy, I’ve decided to not actually ask her about the abusive relationship. If she wants to tell me more details, that’s great, but I’m not going to pry, she’ll have to volunteer it. I know it happened, I’m glad she told me, but she doesn’t owe me any information about it. She’ll tell me when she’s ready, I’m sure.