Okay, someone needs to explain female psychology to me. Or maybe explain why my version of male psychology is wrong.
So I met this girl. I come to find out that her last boyfriend punched her in the face a few times, after which she promptly never saw him again (way to go I say - too many women stay in abusive relationships and I’ve never understood it). Needless to say, this kind of affected her view of men for a while, so of course I will proceed carefully, but we seem to be hitting it off just fine so far.
Well, she went on to say that she was very embarrassed to have told me about the incident, and really hoped that it wouldn’t scare me off.
This is what I don’t understand. Why would she think that an abusive boyfriend’s actions toward her would cause me to become less interested? I mean, she doesn’t have any bruises or anything (this happened a while ago). Actually, it had the opposite effect - she now seems much more attractive since she made the right decision, to leave the guy and not put up with his crap. Confidence is sexy.
Am I missing something obvious? Can someone help explain this facet of female psychology to me? She was very concerned about revealing this information to me, but I’m glad she did.
Also the abusers tend to tell the victim that no one will want/love them if they find out what a bad person she was to have deserved such treatment. (Abusers tend to think the victim deserves what happens … the “if she’d only listen” mindset.)
Schmuck boyfriend probably filled her head with a lot of emotional crap long before he punched her.
It is not female psychology… more likely abusive psychology.
possibly the phrase “punched in the face a few times” [emphasis mine]. possibly she’s embarassed that it had to happen more than once before she beat feet.
conversely, she just might be embarassed to admit that she managed to hook up with such a loser without picking up “signs” that he was a flaming jerk (until such signs were delivered physically).
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but Contrary and tanookie probably have the right of it. whether i stuck around for years or slammed the door the first time someone even threatened to raise his hand to me, i wouldn’t necessarily be proud to admit being with that turkey.
I have a friend who was raped and another who had an abortion. Neither of them talk about it and the reason they don’t is because they don’t want to have other people’s perceptions of them colored by these incidents. And really it’s not anyone’s business anyway.
Very true otto… I know I was pretty ashamed about what happened to me (my father molested/raped me for my entire childhood) and thought for sure my husband would never marry me if he found out. But I couldn’t not tell him as I felt it would be a glaring rift between us and telling him also helped him understand why I flake out sometimes over relatively stupid things!
So Ski take this incredible leap of trust she’s given you and follow quietman’s advice
Ah but I did take quietman’s advice. Just didn’t include it in in my OP since it didn’t seem salient to the discussion.
lachesis, the “few times” actually all happened at the same time, meaning it wasn’t just one punch, but several in a row. She must have been pretty battered up. But as I said before, it makes her more attractive in my eyes for leaving. And now (after reading the replies so far) for having the courage to admit to the events.
She’s probably afraid that you’d think “Great, a chick with issues.”
She’s presumably got some emotional baggage to work through, and early in a relationship it’s not a given that the new beau will want to put up with that. It could just be a warning to you that she might be a little fragile for a while.
I get this a lot. I think of it as a compliment actually, in that the woman feels comfortable enough to discuss it with me. I seem to have that effect alot.
seriously, though – think about it. would you go right off the bat telling new buddies or potential girlfriends how you got your ass kicked at some time or other? assuming it wasn’t a really killer funny story?
most people tend to bring up personal beat-downs only if they feel comfortable telling the other party, or if they see some instructive value in bringing it up. other than that, it really doesn’t tend to cast you in a flattering light.
Abusive relationships make people behave strangely.
My best friend hated my boyfriend (the abusive one), so she set me up with her brother, who I’d had a crush on for years. Keep in mind she knew my bf was a jerk, but didn’t really know he was abusive.
Anyway, I decided to go on a date with her brother, and see what it was like. We hit it off so well. I told him about the current bf, and how he was abusive and everything the very first night. I hadn’t even told his sister, my best friend, about it.
Anyway, things worked out. I dumped the jerk, and I’m married to the nice guy now.
The point of that is that it was embarassing for me to tell my best friend about, and easier for me to tell some one I barely knew.
I think it was embarassing for me, because I thought I was smarter than to go out with/ and stick around with a complete jerk like that.
I don’t know if that makes sense or not. Might give a little in sight, though.
As yet another person who’s been down that road, maybe I can offer some possibilities
If the guy who hit her was her last boyfriend, she’s never had to tell a perspective boyfriend this little piece of her past before. She still new to this, and it’s unknown territory. I’m a little nervous and embrassed when I tell anyone a piece of information and I’m not sure how it will be taken.
It’s a pretty good chance that if he hit her, their relationship was abusive on a physcological level as well. Even if she left the first time he got physical, she may still be ashamed that she stayed long enough for it to go that far. There is still a tendency to blame the victim (and often no one blames the victim more then the victim her/himself)
Obviously, she’s interested in you, and she trusts you. These are major major points in your favor, and the trust speaks very well of the person you must be IRL. Don’t take her nervousness or embarassment as a reflection on you. It’s not. Be honest, understanding, and supportive (And it’s sounds as if you’ve been all three). But also be aware that this past experience may color her reactions to you. (especially when it comes to the first time the two of you have a fight) don’t take it personally. It’s just instinct (It sounds as if she got out early, so you may not have it too bad in this department)
Kudos to you for being one of the “good guys”. It really impresses me that you care enough to want to understand her reactions. My e-mail’s in my profile, if I can help.
-Pandora
(who’s gearing up to have the “you need to know this” conversation with her current interest)
Everything folks have said sounds pretty on-target.
Additionally, if it were a coward like myself dating her, I might be a little nervous about her violent ex show up and decide to beat my ass. I doubt that’s the reason, but it might figure in as well.
Not that I think that applies in the OP’s particular situation. Just in general, and I’m speaking from my own personal experiences here:
Another reason is this–say we’re still getting to know one another. We’ve been dating, but for less than six months or so. If I tell you, yeah, I was in an abusive relationship… if you’re secretly abusive, that would give you a “green light” (as far as you see it) to treat me as you please. You know, I’m telling you I’ve been vulnerable to abusive relationships in the past, and that I’ve accepted abusive partners and put up with it before. An abusive guy who’s still got his “nice mask” on will think I’m an easier target if I tell him that.
Maybe I’ve been burned too many times, but if I were told that I’d figure with my luck she would run back into the arms of her abusive boyfriend the day after he gets out of prison. :smack:
It’s not female psychology. Victims of all kinds of abuse; rape, battery, robbery, name-calling, whatever, tend to blame themselves and/or feel ashamed of it. Don’t ask me to explain it, but that’s what’s going on here.
I’m not ashamed of having been raped. It did concern me to tell boyfriends (and even friends) because many people do “blame the victim” or don’t want “damaged goods” or a “girl with issues.”
Also, admiting bad things have happened to you opens you up for people asking really intrusive questions. I don’t want to talk about it, I just want you to know it happened, so you don’t discover later and think I’m hiding something. And because sometimes it does kind of back up and come back out and if you are a big part of my life you have to know what is going on. But say “my last boyfriend hit me” or “I was raped” and someone starts asking “why?” “Didn’t you see it coming?” “Didn’t you turn him into the cops?” etc. Instead of saying “boy, that sucks. He must have been a real bastard.” Or they want to “fix” you or the situation. I needed to do my own healing - a boyfriend or friend couldn’t be responsible for it and wasn’t going to “fix” me or the situation. I don’t want to be treated differently because I was raped. I just want you to realize that its part of me. Not a big part, but there, so you don’t feel betrayed if you find out later.
Or, they decide to “comfort” you with “oh, that isn’t too bad, my cousin was murdered by her ex.”
I actually made a somewhat analogous revelation recently to a guy I’ve been sort of on-and-off involved with; it didn’t involve a recent ex, but it did involve repeated incidents of violence directed at me in the long-ago past. Here’s my take on it:
I see it partly as what other people have mentioned (a somewhat coded warning that she may be a bit fragile, and so if she acts a little jumpy here and there, there’s a logical explanation). But I also see it as an opening-up, revealing something about herself that some misguided guys might see as a negative (that she’s been an abuse victim). She might be testing you to see how you react to this revelation (do you look disgusted, or do you offer to give her a hug?). Or by revealing something intimate, which is painful to her, she might be showing you that she trusts you to lend an ear when it’s appropriate. Either way, I see it as a sign she’s feeling you out, to see if and/or how quickly she wants your relationship to progress.
