A few years ago, my wife and I were driving home from across town on her birthday. We had just exited a roundabout when I had to slow down as something darted in front of the vehicle, luckily for me it was a pheasant. “Get a good look honey!” I said, 'that’s your birthday pheasant." She never laughs at my jokes but I got a chuckle from her that time.
My sister (who lives in Japan) once offered up the factoid that in Japan, “little son” is a euphemism for penis.
I replied “Gives whole new meaning to ‘Land of the Rising Son’!”
No response from her, except for a steely glare.
I’ve always wanted to make friends with an archaeologist, so that I can introduce him/her as “someone whose career lies in ruins”
How about Act Raiser for the Super Nintendo? When you named your character, the messages you received would automatically attach a “Sir” to the front of it. We used to name him Kal, Pent, Face, Lee, or Vice, among others. But the ever-classic name we used was Sir Loin.
He’s got what power plants crave!
Just some, my hubby tells me that my sense of humor has become more twisted while being pregant. Of course when my family came over they totally understood me and didn’t look at me weird.
On vacation about a month ago I tried to pass off the 2 following puns…
It was blackberry season in Pennsylvania, some relatives were having problems with black bears. So naturally I said, ‘well duh…It’s BlackBear…y season’
Then our daughter has this monkey backpack leash thing, and she was exploring behind the grandparents gas grill. They all told her to stop, otherwise she’d get all yucky and greasy. I said, ‘That’s alright she just wants to be a grease monkey!’
I get the humor from my dad’s side of the family!
My last D&D party were known as The Prophets of Adventure.
Working at the grocery store during the holidays was very busy. A lady asked me where to find the seasonings and I took her to one of the special stand-alone displays. When she said that she now knew where to find spices on her own, I told her that it wouldn’t be there long since it was a seasonal display.
My dad recently took a cruise around the southern edge of South America. He loved everything about it and remarked that many people feel that the fjords there are as beautiful as those in Norway.
Like any good son, I replied “You should go there to compare them … if you can a-fjord it.”
If the Republican Veep candidate becomes a widow and marries Mr. Tall, her name will be Sarah Pallin Tall.
My old boss came over to take one of a set of lab furniture to see if it worked in his building. “OK, take your stool sample and get out of here!”
My favorite pun was my threadkiller here:
And #18 here
I work at our local State Hospital. One night the previous shift was telling us that one of our patients had gotten sent back to the unit from his client worker job for masturbating. I had to say, “Puts a whole new twist on being a hard worker…”
I come up with bad puns all the time. Fortunately I don’t usually remember them. But here’s a couple:
Playing backgammon, my opponent rolled a 4-2. It happened to be the best possible roll. I commented “That was four-two-it-us”
At work a colleague wanted to borrow my ruler. I handed it to him and said “It’s just a temporary measure”.
And not one of mine, but worth sharing:
The local paper was running a competition for the best pun. I sent ten entries, hoping that one would win. But…
No pun in ten did.
Once I had my arm in a cast, and when I was introduced to Forrest J. Ackerman, the legendary authority on the history of science fiction, he offered to autograph it for me. He signed his name with a flourish and added, “I mean you no Arm!”
I thanked him, saying I was grateful, because I’d heard a lot about the benefits of Acker-pun-cture.
My husband had a corn snake when he was younger. He named it Lewis, as in C. S. (Corn Snake) Lewis. Pretty good for a 10-year-old, I must say!
Over in What Exit?'s Middle-Earth D&D game, a hobbit wanted to know if he could ride on the druid’s new dog. But I pointed out that he was a hobbit of breeding and probably ranked as a knight in hobbit society:
“and I wouldn’t send a knight out on a dog like this”.
Not quite a pun, but this morning in talking about OJ Simpson’s guilty verdict, I said “I’m so happy. I have schadenfreude in spades.”
:eek:
I walked out the back at work today (it was hot!) and the guys were all standing around the new floor fan they’d erected and generally remarking on how great it was to have a fan to banish the oppressive heat.
“It’s FAN- tastic” I agreed, giving everyone a cheesy grin and a double thumbs up.
When I was naught but a wee child, we went on vacation to San Francisco. As tourists, we had to do the obligatory drive through Chinatown. My dad suddenly stopped the car, pointed at something and he and Mom started howling with laughter. I was rather pissed that they wouldn’t explain it to me. Dad even got out of the car and took pictures of it.
Mom died a while back and I got the family pictures and have been going through them. I found those pictures and started howling with laughter, because now I understood it.
It’s a Chinese laundry with a line of women out the door. Nothing really unusual until you look closely at the stuff written on the window. Chinese characters all over the place, but down at the bottom in English it had the following:
Three Dragons Laundry Proprietor: Hung Far Low
In the doctor’s office getting a dressing changed. The nurse has worked loose the tape but left the bandage in place as it is adhered and she was leaving it for the doc to finish up.
The doctor arrives but before he can do anything I lift the edge up and peer under it, then in my best Sherlock Holmes voice say, “Aha! The clot thickens!”
I was rather proud of that one. He almost snerked himself inside out.
I have two, both from my days as a broadcaster in the Air Force, and both got me in a pickle.
First one, in Subic Bay, I was anchoring the news. The story was about some intra-squadron boxing match that went on, and this Marine completely cold cocked the sailor he was fighting. The last shot of the story was of the poor sailor out cold on the mat. The director cut back to me, and before I could even stop myself, I said “Someone needs to clean that seaman off the mat” I was back in the radio booth the very next day.
The other one was a spot I made for a lunch buffet at some officer club or another. I did it as a pastor, and my closing line was “Don’t forget what a friend we have in Cheeses.”
The spot aired once, in Seoul, and I was given a stern talking too. Again.