I played Anarchy Online. There were two factions plus the neutrals. I was neutral. My character name? TheHappyMedium
We had two goats when i was a child, mine, whose name was Thomas J. and a wether (neutered male)named Chester for slaughter. Evidently, billy goats earn their name, and the poor wether became Chester The Molested.
I was out to dinner with some friends when somehow the fact that I don’t like pie came up. Honestly, the crust is almost never done right … I’d rather eat cake. Anyway, one of my friends said, “That’s weird. Why don’t you like pie?” And I responded, “Oh, I don’t know. It’s irrational.” Ba dum chhh!
My friends don’t think it’s funny. I think I might need new friends.
Yes, that pun should strike a chord with anyone you choose to admit to your circle.
I visit my family upnort a lot and I always stop and pick up fresh cheese curds on the way: we are a cheese-lovin’ family.
When I get there, I have one nephew who’s always first in line for them. I said, "Hunter, you’re such a cheese lover - you’re a real Fleury! (our family name)
He said, "I’m not a Fleury, I’m a Nylund! (his father’s family name)
I just couldn’t stop myself. “You can’t be, Hunter!”
“Why not?”
“Because no man is a Nylund!”
(They didn’t hurt me, but only because I held the curds hostage)
When I make my first billion I want to start a newspaper called The Time Being. That way all the reporters, for instance, can say, “I’m a reporter for The Time Being,” as if they’re just biding their time until they get a better job.
Back in Soviet Russia, mid-1920s: the Soviet Citizen Rudolf is walking along a Moscow street with his beloved comrade Olga, when it starts to precipitate.
“Look, Olga, my sweet. It’s raining.” Remarks the communist Rudolf.
“Oh no,” laughs his precious Olga. “It’s snowing!”
“Nonsense!” retorts Rudolf the laborer. “That’s not snow, it’s rain, my love.”
“Bah!” Olga utters. “You can’t tell the difference between rain and snow!”
Irked, the Great Patriot Rudolf stops in his tracks and exclaims “Now you see here, precious! I may not know much about snow, but…”
Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!
I came up with this one while playing the part of Doc Webster in a Callahan’s Place-themed RPG. The theme in the place that night was “money.” Someone else had brought up Steven Spielberg – I don’t remember the pun – and I was touched by the Divine Fire. Here’s what I said, with some slight changes due to the vagaries of memory (and remember that this was before Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was greenlit):
"It’s interesting that you should mention Spielberg, because I was just over there treating him for a sprained buttock muscle caused by the weight of his wallet. Anyway, he was telling me that he, Lucas and Harrison Ford were about to make a new Indiana Jones movie about a magical jewel that brought its owner great fortune when worn on a chain around the neck. Everything was ready to go but for some reason, he hadn’t been able to get a studio deal or squeeze money out of any of the usual financial sources.
"I asked him what he was going to do and he said he’d been reduced to accepting funds from a Mexican criminal who’d robbed a bunch of banks and wanted to launder the resulting pile of pesos. I said that sounded pretty surprising, because…
…you wouldn’t expect to see robber dinero involved in an Indy pendant film project.
People maintaining my code may hate me, but in a previous job I had to write a Java class that did some graphical calculations. I ended up including something that looked like the following:
public class LineStyles whoseLineIsItAnyway()
I just stumbled across this thread and thought it deserved a bump.
Yesterday Zyada and I were driving somewhere when the word ‘sages’ came up. She said “Rosemary and thyme” so I had to tell her “You’re only parsley right.”
Quite a while ago, I was thinking about Luke Skywalker visiting Yoda on that swampy planet of his. After a while, he got fed up with the swamp and went into a rant. “Dammit, I’m tired of being wet all the time! I’m knee-deep in water, it rains almost all the time, and when it’s not raining the trees are dripping! I just want to not be soggy! I’d even be happy to wake up in the morning without condensation all over me!” Yoda just looked at him and said “Dew or dew not, there is no dry.”
That, of course, reminded me of the Italian meteorologist who specialized in condensation, and also liked some popular music from the 1950’s. His colleagues called him the dew-wop.
Two from various camping trips…
One at a public camp ground. we were with in walking distance of the out houses, and one was being repaired by Park Workers. loud Hammering noises were coming from the Privy. My brother asked what is that noise. I replied “That is just someone beating the sh*t out of themself…”
Another camping story…
We had forgotton to pack a suitable cooking knife. All we had was a machette and an axe for cutting tools. My Gf saw me trying to cut bread with the machette, and said “Wow! I’m looking over a four loaf cleaver!” (the blade was long enough to cut at least four loaves at once)…
Regards
FML
In high school I took a couple of studio art classes.
And I found most of the various technical exercises to be a bit dry. So I’d try to do things to spice them up. Add imaginary people into the picture, or something of the same sort. When my teacher would notice, I’d usually have to get rid of those additions.
One of the exercises was a pile of abandoned footwear, I remember particularly the decorated cowboy boot that was upright in the center of the pile, and around which the rest of footwear was arrayed. I found it unbearably boring. I tried to add a little guy climbing up the boot. He was nixed.
Finally on the last day of the project I got some charcoal and chalk. I added a few mountains in the background, the moon over the scene, and a river running through the pile of footwear. My teacher started to have a conniption fit until he noticed the title:
Who says a classical education isn’t useful? 
I am so torn.
I love puns, I love making them and hearing them and reading them - and just a week ago I made an exquisite, exquisite pun which neatly summed up a theoretical paper on quantum gravity a friend of mine is seeking to have published. So neatly, that he actually concluded the theory with it - and gave me a credit in the acknowledgement section - but I can’t tell you the pun, because to do so I would have to give away his theory and I can’t do that until it gets published.
Seriously, if this guy has reinvented our theory of gravity, the theory is going to be named after my pun!
But I can’t tell you what it is! This is killing me!
My advice for someone seeking a Native American resaraunt
Huh, going off at a tangent, I see.
Pilot: Careful we’re nearing plaid speed.
Co Pilot: What’s so dangerous about that?
Pilot: Someone could get kilt.
I lurve that joke!!!
Just perpetrated a “good” one.
IM’ing a co-worker about something. He replied with “you’re an angle”.
Then he said “angel, that is”.
I said “but I can be obtuse”.
You should marry that girl.
The Lamb of God Church in my county closed down and became a Ryan’s Steakhouse. I was opposed to this. When my boss asked why, I told him it violated the separation of church and steak.
I work in a medical billing office. A co-worker gave me a cutting from a plant to put on my desk.
I set it off to one side, with the label
The patients don’t get it but the docs love it.
They’re probably just too polite to point out that the pie is transcendental.