Q for gay male dopers: Best way to apologize

In My Humble Opinion
1

As a straight man, I’ve recently found myself feeling the need to apologize to a gay man for unintentionally being a “tease”.

The story:

A couple weeks ago I was at my favorite karaoke bar, and ended up sitting next to an acquaintance who, from occasional contact over a number of years, I was pretty sure was gay. I’ve had enough openly gay friends that I’m pretty confident in my “gaydar” most of the time. Anyway, I ordered, and paid for, my first drink. After that, this gentleman paid for all my subsequent drinks (at least I’m pretty sure he did - I started the night with $40 in my pocket, and when I checked my wallet the next day, I had $30). I didn’t give any hints that I wanted him to pay; he offered, I accepted. Hey, free booze.

Anyway, I ended up inviting him back to my apartment. Being drunk off my ass, my honest intent was simply to show him my apartment — we’d been discussing apartments, and the fact that my apartment is bigger than what I really need — and offer him a drink or two from the bottle of whiskey I had at home. He accepted the invitation. We walked the few blocks to my place — both being intelligent and not wanting DUIs, he had taken a cab to the bar and I had walked.

While we were walking, I came right out and asked him if he was gay, and he confirmed it, quickly and easily enough to make it clear that he is “out”. I “confessed” to him that, back in my twenties (20 years ago) I had willingly “experimented” with another gay man, though it turned out to not be my thing.

Anyway, I scratched the “share whiskey” off my list, because he turned out to be even drunker than I was. He tripped and fell twice on the way to my place, and each time it was quite a chore to get him back on his feet (worth mentioning that he graduated high school a year before I was born, so he’s nearly my parents’ age; he’s also bigger and heavier than me). We finally made it to my apartment, and I gave him a tour of the place.

The next thing that happened was that he took off all his clothes and crawled into my bed, and apparently expected me to join him there. Which … wasn’t what I had in mind at all. Aside from the fact that I’m not gay, I’ve also been voluntarily celibate since 1995. Knowing how drunk he was, I just waited for him to fall asleep, which didn’t take long, and I spent the night, fully clothed, in my comfy chair in front of my computer.

We both woke up about the same time the next day. I offered to cook him breakfast (I cook for a living), but he politely declined the offer and called a taxi to take him home. His body language suggested both embarrassment and disappointment.

I’m left with the feeling that I must have sent out signals that I didn’t mean to. Inviting him back to my place was probably a big one. The end result is that I feel bad that I may have unintentionally misled him. My honest intent, when I invited him over, was just to continue the conversation we were having when the bar closed.

So, to get to the point, I want to apologize to him the next time I see him. When I’ll see him next is up in the air, since I don’t got out to drink all that often, and this particular karaoke bar is the only place I ever see him. So I guess my question is this: Is an apology warranted here, and if so, what’s the best way to go about it?

2

Could you send him an email, just so that when you next see him you won’t have to shout this over the noise of the bar (only for it to become quiet at the most embarrassing moment, of course)?

I think you actually already said it clearly and kindly in this bit:

So something like that, coupled with a “sorry if you feel bad at all” and a “we were both very drunk, weren’t we, haha” and then a quick “I hope we’re good, I want to stay friends”. Also, maybe mention being celibate by choice? Only if you want to of course, but it will make it even more clear to him that it is nothing about him per se.

I would go for email, just because you can get it all out, make sure you’ve said everything, and then not worry next time you see him.

ETA: I am not gay or male. But life can be plenty confusing for me too :wink:

3

I’m not gay, but I am up at this hour, and I don’t think there’s anything too uniquely gay about this situation; something like it could happen between a man and a woman.

It does seem to me that the sum total of accepting his drinks, inviting him back to your place, and mentioning that you’d been with a man in the past could reasonably be interpreted as an invitation. And his body language the following morning could reflect embarrassment on his part that he’d fallen asleep so quickly – i.e., he woke up concerned that he had disappointed you.

My thought for the next time you see him would be to say something vague enough to be face-saving for both of you. “I have to tell you, I really drank way too much the other night and I kind of lost track of what I was saying and doing. It’s all a little fuzzy to me, but I’m sorry if I was out of line at all.” It seems to me that the polite response on his part would then be to say essentially the same thing.

4

Also not gay, and no offense to the above two respondents, but I gotta say that both of those two approaches seem to me like they could continue to lead him on. You need to shut the door much more firmly on the gay hookup thing, but offer to buy him drinks for the night to show there’s no bad feelings and you want to remain friends.

If you’re not unambiguous about it, he’s probably gonna think you’re shy, playing hard to get, or just toying with him. No need to mention the voluntarily celibate deal, and probably better not to. Just let him know clearly that there won’t be anything sexual, but you hope to be friends.

5

Do you even plan to see this guy or spend any time with him again? If not, let it go and don’t say anything. If you do plan to see him again sometime just bring it up casually and say you were sorry for letting him buy you those drinks and offer to pay him back sometime. It’s not a big deal honestly. It was a one-time misunderstanding. It’s not like you lead this guy on for a long time! :slight_smile:

-drewtwo99, gay male doper extraordinaire

6

Question, how would you deal with the situation if it wasn’t a gay bloke but a lady 20 years older than you?

That’s enough think music, personally I’d let it go as just one of those things that happens when you’re pissed. Next time you see him in the bar, go over, say G’day and say “hey, how drunk were we last time we caught up. I can’t remember fuck all. I must have let you sleep in my bed while I was in the lounge room hey?”

And take it from there. No need to apologise, you can be straight and have a gay friend no harm no foul. He was obviously hammered, people do stuff when they’re pissed. It’s called lowering of inhibitions.

7

Well, like I said, he’s an “acquaintance” more than a “friend”. The place I see him is the place I go when I get in the mood to do some singing in public, and he’s usually there when I show up. It’s a place I’ve been going to on and off for 25 years, and it’s within walking distance of my apartment (I learned my lesson 20+ years ago and don’t want another DUI, so if I go out to drink, it’s at a place I can easily walk to and then walk home from). I honestly don’t remember when I first met him. I sobered up when I was 28 (1994) and didn’t drink at all or spend time in bars for the next 13-14 years, but when I started occasionally drinking again a few years ago and ran into him, I somehow knew his name, so I figure we were introduced at some point.

So since I can expect to see him at this particular bar whenever I decide to get my sing on, and it’s highly probable I’ll find myself sitting near him, I mainly want to avoid any awkwardness. Especially since I always show up alone and sit at the bar, which is where he also sits. I like the guy, he’s pleasant company, and I enjoy talking to him. I just want to let him know I didn’t mean to give him the wrong idea.

8

Funny you should mention that :smiley: Back in my 20s I did go home once with a woman who was 20+ years older than me. We ended up in a hot tub, and there was some kissing with her top off, but there was no sex and I didn’t push the matter.

Nowadays, pushing 50 myself (I’ll be 47 this year), it wouldn’t even come up. Talking to this gay acquaintance was simply me chatting with another guy, and inviting him over was just a “hey, come hang out” kind of thing. Were I chatting with a woman of the same age, with the same lack of sexual intent, I likely would not have invited her over for fear of being misconstrued. Which is exactly what ended up happening with this gay man.

9

How would you like someone to handle it if you were the interested/misled one and she wasn’t?

You say you want to avoid awkwardness, and of course you do. We all want to avoid awkwardness. But I’m afraid a little bit of awkwardness is in the cards…it’s the karmic payback for getting sloppy with someone else’s feelings. Just…make it like a Band-aid. Rip the sucker off, expose the wound to light and air, and it will heal quicker than if you keep it covered and let it fester. :slight_smile:

10

Wow, your story is like the perfect storm of crossed signals. :smiley:

I have to agree with voltaire – be kind, but definite. You quite innocently gave some fairly strong signals, so you should make sure that there’s no confusion. Offering to buy the drinks next time might not hurt, but it’s also possible it could be awkward or misinterpreted. I’d say play it by ear based on how he takes your apology and explanation.

11

Since you’re looking for advice, I’ll move this to our advice forum, IMHO (from MPSIMS).

12

Oh my god, a real-life Tobias Funke!

13

When you embarrass yourself or someone else unintentionally, that’s all you have to say in your apology. “I embarrassed myself w/ X, *X *and *X *(actions) and I’m sorry. I liked *X *about hanging out w/ you and I hope I didn’t embarrass **you **so much that you won’t want to say Hey when I see you again at X place.” This may open a door to a discussion of your wrongs, but that’s the chance you take when you make a genuinely remorseful apology.

If you stop thinking of him as a gay man and just as a man as deserving of respect as you, rather than an ‘other’ who is different from you, you may find you don’t act in a way you have to apologize for in the future.

14

The best approach for things done drunk that both parties would probably rather forget is:

“I don’t think I remember much of anything from Wednesday night, hahaha. I can’t ever have tequila again! Thank you for the drinks, sorry if things got weird, and I’ll see you around for sure!”

Keep it lighthearted and in good fun. It’s no big deal, embarrassing stuff is part of the game when getting sloshed, and the polite thing to do is make it clear that it doesn’t matter. As long as you aren’t embarrassing yourself on a regular basis, it’s fine.

15

I can’t help but wonder if, at the moment, you might not have been all that innocent as the story seems to now imply.

Seriously - you knew he was Gay, you obviously let him buy you drinks, it was your suggestion to go to your place, along the way you even ask if he was Gay and then proceed to mention you had “experimented” in your youth…geez, short of signal flares, what other signs did you need? And with him stumbling along with you back to your place, did you expect him to admire your large kitchen and then merrily skip home?

Sorry - but something sounds a tad fishy to me and perhaps there is more to this confusion than simply that other guy’s take on it. And perhaps you might have mentioned something while he was stripping? Perhaps by the time he was taking off his shirt or shoes and socks? Before he was totally nude in your bed?

If you want to apologize, be blunt. Admit that you were sending a gazillion crossed signals and probably didn’t even know what the hell what you wanted and tell him you are sorry for wasting his time and money.*
I say man-up and tell him you were the drunk idiot and make sure he understands that by no means was HE the one who misinterpreted anything.

I am Gay, and if I had let some women buy me drinks and then I suggested going to my place to show her my throw pillows, and realized she was drunk and barely able to walk with me to my place, and told her I once slept with a woman when I was in my 20’s, and once we got there and she stripped and landed in my bed - well, I would only have myself to blame - 100% - for that nonsense to have gotten that far. It would not have been one iota her “fault” or her idea and I would make sure she understood that.

  • Speaking of money, it might not hurt to put $30 in an envelope and say “Sorry, I forgot to pay my half of the bill…”
16

You funny. :slight_smile:

Anywho, talking about your place = excuse to go to your place = excuse to put his penis in you.

And that’s just the beginning. There was also the buying of drinks, you knowing he was gay, you telling him you’d done gay stuff before. I’m not sure how hammered one has to be to miss everything. But enough shoulda coulda woulda. I’m not sure I would say anything, but if you must, just say, “Hey, sorry things got weird the other night. I think we both had entirely too much to drink,” or something, then tell him to have a good one.

17

What DMark says. It sounds almost like you had decided to break your celibacy streak, but chickened out at the last moment.

In any case, don’t apologize. It will sound like you are leading him on again.

Regards,
Shodan

18

I’m surprised that most people’s comments here advocate lying to the guy. You were not too drunk to remember what happened, and the excuses sound a lot like the closeted gays in The Boys in the Band*, with their “I can’t believe I got so drunk: I can’t remember anything about last night” excuses.

If you see the guy again, there may be no need to say anything. If not, and he starts to approach you, apologize and tell him that you may have inadvertently led him on, that you are straight, and being drunk meant you didn’t realize what signals you were sending out. It will treat him as a real human being instead of someone to be lied to.

*While certainly dated these days, the play was one of the first to deal with the issues of being gay and to portray gays positively.

19

I suspect you will eventually “apologize” by having sex with him.

20

Just because a guy buys you some drinks it doesn’t mean you are required to have sex with him. Sheesh. If anything, he should be apologizing to you for taking his clothes off and getting into your bed. If it was a woman writing this, people would be telling you that you should have called the police.

That said, an apology never hurts if you want to remain friendly. “Dude, I hope I didn’t lead you on the other night. I was really, really drunk.” If it were me and he didn’t respond with a serious apology himself then I wouldn’t want to be friends with him.