I haven’t been able to get through all 60 posts on this but this has nothing do with age difference or changing times. There have always been people that have this approach to relationships and if it works for them, it works for them. But obviously *something *wasn’t working for them.
Nope, she’s not wrong. There are men out there who would be happy with such a relationship. Women, too.
Sure, plenty of people do think that’s fine. Not only that, there are many men who have a sexual fetish about being “cheated on” in this fashion (called “cuckolding”) and would try to convince their wives to go have sex with other men, either returning to tell them about it (and usually follow that with sex) or even have sex with another man while the husband is “made” to watch.
Listen, she’s honest enough to be upfront with her potential partner about this, and that’s commendable. They can decide whether her being non-monogamous is worth the “price of admission” for being in a relationship with her, as her primary partner. As Dan Savage has pointed out many times in his advice column, humans tend to be pretty shitty at monogamy, so if someone in that category isn’t jealous and is able to accept an alternative, it might be worth a try. It’s better than trying and failing at monogamy and hurting someone else in the process.
Maybe you just haven’t met any couples like this. I know of one, and they are very much in love with each other.
I can’t let this go unchallenged.
First of all, please tell us that you didn’t actually say it to her face.
Second, at what age should people no longer be allowed to have sex and instead be forced to do “old person stuff”? How will you enforce this? What penalties will they face? And for og’s sake WHY?!? Is it because old people are gross and whatever?
When they start chatting to strangers about their sex lives? 
So… 14?
True. In my haste, I didn’t make it clear I meant wrong for what I am looking for in a relationship.
The main reason I posted this is I was curious if her attitude was prevalent. It is interesting to see just how much it seems to be.
You’re going to get a self-selecting sample.
Obviously, plenty of people are poly or monogamish or whatever the hell else there is, but are we talking about 1% of the population? 5%? 25%? I have no idea, and this thread doesn’t help with that.
“Arrangements” are as old as marriage itself. The only difference it that historically it has only been the man who gets to determine the terms of the arrangement, and the woman can only accept or reject it. The only innovation here is that the woman’s sexual concerns are important as well.
We all know the story of the executive who is bonking his secretary, while the wife quietly tolerates it, doesn’t ask too many questions, and concentrates on the kids and the household. She may prioritize a stable household over sexual exclusiveness, and indeed she may even welcome a break from his sexual attention. We all know of men who have happy, loving marriages, who occasionally get a blow job on the side because their wife doesn’t like to give head. That’s actually the number one reason why married men see prostitutes. Sometimes people can be very compatible, but mismatched on one little bit of sexuality, and seeing someone on the side is better than throwing the baby out with the bathwater. We also know of older men who are married to a hot young trophy wife, and strongly suspect that she may be more than friends with that tattoo artist that’s always hanging around. But they still like the sex and value having some arm candy, so they look the other way and figure that’s the price of marrying a young wild child.
Again, there is nothing new here. It’s just bringing what already happens by default in many marriages into the open, removing some of the opportunity to feel hurt and betrayed, and giving the woman an equal part in it. We suck at monogamy. We live much longer than we did when we made up marriage, and we are programmed to want variety. So, if you suspect ahead of time that you are going to suck at it, why build an entire relationship around a make-it-or-break-it ideal that you are not actually all that concerned about and are unlikely to live up to anyway? Why invite all the hurt when you can get things out in the open and have a shot at not have that hurt?
I understand that intellectually, but not viscerally (though I respect those that do feel that way). I’ve had sex with people when it’s been an intense emotional experience. I’ve also had sex with people where it’s been a fun way to spend an evening and nothing more. Yeah, it is a bit detached. But people are sometimes detached. Nobody would bat an eye at a guy who said “Eh, I was at a party and hoping to get laid, and it was fun. No real interest in seeing her again though” or “We were dating and banging for a while, but there was no real spark so we moved on. It was fun while it lasted, though.” It’s no different for women sometimes.
I don’t think sex is the only thing that makes my SO different. He’s the only one I share a house and daily life with. He’s the only one who participates in family events with me. He’s the only one I want to raise kids with. He’s the only one I want to grow old with. He’s the only one I bare my soul to, and the only one I’m embarking on all of life’s ups and downs with. Sex is very, very, very important, but I don’t think there is only one way for it to work.
Yep.
It can be, but some people just aren’t possessive like that. I really think open relationships/polyamory actually is a lifestyle choice. It wouldn’t work for everyone – it apparently wouldn’t work for the OP – but I’m not sure it’s all that shocking.
Well, the flipside of it being a lifestyle choice is that a choice is all it is. I don’t like the notion of “should” either way in this context.
I’m not sure you can demonstrate anyone is lying to themselves here. Different people have different emotional responses around sex.
I was with you until this. I expect to be the only person my partner has bonding experiences with, though I’m undecided as to whether sex is automatically a bonding experience. Obviously that’s only during the relationship, not before or after.
This is getting political, so I’m going to try to leave this at, you’re still assuming monogamy is The Way To Be. This makes it not a genuine acceptance of an open relatioship, but a calculating trade-off that plays into unfortunate stereotypes about women with ambitions beyond domestic life.
Sounds like a good solution to me. She gets her sexual needs met, and doesn’t lose – indeed, probably enhances – the otherwise great relationship with the BF
Is it the best solution in all cases? No, and not necessarily in any. But it’s a good solution in many if not most.
I would think being upfront is more ok than cheating.
I might be ok with the arrangement if she were doing this with the intent of keeping her and my emotional relationship intact, and if she were at least willing to allow me to have a sex life (whether she would be part of it or not).
I wonder how many people, split amongst men and women, would want to know if their partner had cheated on them if nothing in their lives had changed because of it. If your relationship was otherwise good, and your life together was good, would you want to know that something happened xxx amount of time ago?
I know that for many people that news would taint all that life together permanently, and for that reason some would want to know, and, for that same reason, others would not. As a married woman, I’d expect my husband to keep it wrapped up and out of my sight, but otherwise it would not bother me that much. In other words, it’s not a deal-breaker. I’d be both surprised and somehow not surprised that he wouldn’t have told me: surprised, because I’m pretty open about that kind of thing, and not surprised, because if nothing else in the equation changes, why rock the boat? Well, except that I’d want to be allowed the same discretionary play, so to speak.
But…this is coming from a woman who didn’t settle down until 45, and has been through just about every temptation you can imagine. I’m fully aware of how crap can happen, how overwhelming that urge can seem, and how little it can really mean in the scheme of things. So…as expected, my hubby and I do the monogamous thing, but the knowledge is always there that we can talk about other options, too. It just doesn’t seem fair to throw away so much for so little, and while that’s a GREAT reason to just keep it in your pants to begin with, crap occurs. A lot more often than people acknowledge, I would wager.
Apparently for many people it’s still very shocking. Remember, for most people the idea of one man and one woman is the only relationship paradigm that exists, and anything outside of that is wrong and shameful. A lot of people are waking up to the idea of same sex relationships, and of course that’s a good thing. But the idea of open relationships is still very new to most people, and it’s going to be far outside of their moral or ethical framework. Expect some shock.
And awe too?
Aww…
Tee hee.
I bond with my grad school friends when our study group tackles a big test. I bond with my coworkers when we let our hair down at happy hour. I bond with my buddies when we are on vacation. I bond with my family over the holidays.
I’m a regular bonding machine!
I understand that for some people, sex is a bondage experience. But I don’t think that’s the same thing.
Hm. I was thinking more along the lines of emotional intimacy.