Q: How do you feel about Kenny Bernstein and his crew?
A: That’s going to need another coat.
Q: What did Leonardo say halfway through painting the Mona Lisa?
A: I’ve got five dollars. I’ve got five dollars for each of you.
Q: What was Lemur866 recorded on tape offering the Chicago City Council?
A: Well, the mine failed, the mill closed, and a tornado passed by…
Q: Why don’t we hear anything more about “Assboink, Idaho,” which was the Dopers’ favorite generic hick town a year or so ago?
A: Six hundred yards due south of the Golden Gate Bridge
Q: Where’s Sam Spade’s office?
A: We really don’t know why they behave that way, but we blame it on Minnesota.
Q: Wow, what was the deal with the movie Fargo?
A: A six-pack of beer and a pickup truck.
Q. Besides the dead woman, what else did they find at Chappaquiddick?
A. At a medium pace.
Q. How fast do psychics walk?
A: Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.
Q: Where do you stand politically?
A: It was bigger before the accident.
Q: So, why is your rapier only 3 inches long?
A: The airships are coming! The airships are coming!
Q: One if by land and two if by sea and three if… oh, wait…
A. No, dammit! Four snowmen!
Q. Did you just bid three hearts?
A. A little to the left.
Q: How’s it hanging?
A: K-Mart sucks.
Q: What are K-Mart’s new low cost ice lollies called?
A: Measuring their genitals.
Q: What are the Chippendales doing in the fitting room?
A: I can’t think of anything.
Q: Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn’t beat the stuffing out of you?
A: An all-day Golden Girls marathon.
Q: What does the Geneva Convention strictly forbid?
A: It was in his watch pocket.
Q: Where did Sherlock Holmes keep his secret stash?
A: The whore of Babylon, 24 gallons of whipped cream, those guys we met at Sodom, two she camels, and the Harem girls from Dagon’s temple.
Q. Name five gifts that all would have been better than eight fucking lords a-leaping.
A. The look on the bartender’s face when the fat chick took off her underwear.
Q: What was the result of Danny Devito’s and Rhea Pearlman’s marriage?
A: Limmericks that dont rhyme