Q: Yes, I realize that your firm’s charges represent a significant savings compared to what we were paying, but why hasn’t the shoplifting been reduced?
A: A scratched Kenny Rogers album, a melted Clark bar, and a nail.
Q: So, what DID Dan Ludwig leave you in his will?
A: We no longer want the funk.
Q. How come you’re only bringing in the noise now?
A. Up ahead about three miles, on the right.
Q: Where’s Ann Coulter?
A: An extra crease in my pants.
Q: What did you trade your soul for?
A: This isn’t what I expected.
Q: What did your date say when the ether wore off?
A: It was a lot of fun until the ferret did the keg-stand.
Q: So how was Comic-Con?
A: Approximately the size of France and Spain combined.
Q: If we could herd all the terrorists into one big corral, how much space would we need?
A: J Lo and Oprah both approve.
Q: How do we know when a story is going to be on the front page of the greater part of US newspapers and large-circulation magazines?
A: In the left lane.
Q. Where does Rush Limbaugh refuse to drive?
A. Your mother’s army boots.
Q: What are my lucky shoes?
A: Jesus said I only have to pay fifteen hundred.
Q: Why am I in litigation about a 2000-dollar debt?
A: Sticks, wires, duct tape, insulation, tinfoil, an isolation transformer, rubber gloves, and a 25-kV power-supply.
Q: What is a list of things I wouldn’t try to take to Grampa’s birthday party if traveling by air.
A: He’s a seeing eye dog, for heaven’s sake!
Q: What was my girlfriend’s reaction to my leaving her for “someone else?”
A: Three radical two.
Q: What do you call your band?
A: Vic Burma and his Swingettes.
Q: What was the last performing-monkey circus act to come out of South-East Asia before the Fall of Singapore?
A: Either a crumpled piece of paper, or Pinky Blue.
Q: What did the RIAA sue you for?
A: So the mice don’t get out.
Q: Good heavens, what do you need a moat that big for?
A: Colonel Sanders became Brigader General Sanders after he successfully invaded Panama.
Q: What do you hear when you play that old Van Halen song backwards?
A. One pissed-off hippie.
Q: What did the aliens find in the middle of the road after they’d abducted all the Volkwagen Microbuses in the area?
A: George W Bush, Jacques Chirac, Jean Chretien, Tony Blair, Paul Howard, and Yahoo Serious.