Q: Who set the administrative building on fire?
A: Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo…
Q: What will I be doing after playing solitaire 'til dawn with a deck of 51?
A: Play pool with an onion as a cueball.
Q. What should we do tonight, Julia Child?
A. The stewards ate them, Sir.
Q: Coxswain, where’s Michael Rockefeller?
A: There will be no white shoes on Thursday.
Q: What edict precluded tacky dressing amongst used car salesmen at least once per week?
A: No underwear Monday.
Q: So what happens when the boss gets rid of casual Fridays?
A: Out-dated Coca-Cola.
Q: What action did Pepsi take to win the Soft Drink Corporate Speed Romance Championship of 2007?
A: 3700 km/h.
Q: Calculate the speed at which a divorce attorney moves towards the assets of the other party.
A: A hedgehog, some pink icing, and a scratched Monkees 45 record.
Q: What am I getting for St. Swillen’s Day?
A: We shall either have January come a month earlier, or repeat November.
Q: Mr. Peabody, somebody stole December from the calendar! How should I set the Wayback Machine?
A: Applying clear nail polish should do nicely.
Q: How do I close this sucking cheast wound?
A: With yo momma.
Q: How do I close this sucking chest wound?
A: With yo momma.
Q: What was the most popular punchline over the long run of “The Dirty Dozens”?
A: Kemul Ataturk.
Q: What is a name I won’t recognize without turning to Google for help?
A: The coffee is a little too strong.
Q: Why is my morning java bench pressing the apple fritter?
A: Once her panties had tangled the turboprop, it was only a matter of time.
Q: How did the pilot know that a TMI moment was on the way?
A: Four city liquid-waste trucks at work along the side of the Queensway today.
(I’m going to hell for this, but…)
Q: How did the street-sweeper know that a TMI moment was on the way.
A: St. Catharines is awash in my blood.
Q: Why did I get a letter from the mayor of St Catharines, Ontario, asking me to bring a large sponge to his city?
A: Tim Hortons never knew.
Q: So, did the guy you murdered ever know what was coming?
A: Sweet Philadelphia, run, boys, run!
Q: What’s the latest dessert craze and whatcha gotta do to get it before it’s gone?
A: Fur Elise.