Q: Do you have any advice for an aspiring tight-rope walker?
A: OOPS! Y’know, you don’t usually see them just pop like that …
Q: What do you never want to hear your eye doctor say?
A: Because it was dead!
Q: Hey, you little brat! Why’d you put my hamster in the wood chipper?
A: Truthfully, it’s because you look a bit stressed out … shark attacks can do that to some people.
Q: Is there a good reason you’re smearing me with DW-30 AND mashed eggplant?
A:It used to be painted blue and white, now they’re going earth tones.
Q: What’s the reason the US military is now having greater success in Iraq?
A: Orange peel and/or Bill Gates.
Q: What would I have to throw in for you to take this Apple IIe off my hands?
A: We’re short one oar, dammit!
Q. So if you didn’t say she was one short prostitute, what did you say?
A. It was taken out of context, and it wasn’t meant that way.
Q: Why did everyone laugh at your report on the Big Top?
A: Slim Jims and applesauce.
Q: What did you bring to the orgy, Krys92gp?
A: a shot and a beer
Q: What did you say your doctor gave you for your vaccination?
A: a dusty chalkboard
Q: What did your Amish nanny replace your XBox with?
A: Only the damn seeds.
Q: But aren’t you supposed to smoke the whole thing?
A: So there I was, naked, in the refrigerator, smoking a cigarette with a potroast on my knees. That’s when things got REALLY weird.
source unknown (seen in a variety of places with different folks taking credit), but I’d really like to see the question to provoke that answer.
Q: And what about you waking up at your sister’s surprise party?
A: Mom, Dad, and Boris just got married.
Q: What was the title of the winner on "America’s Funniest Home Videos?
A:All my life, it’s been “Pick up the stuff, before more of it settles.”
Q: What guiding principles inform your existence?
A: Money, donuts, and massage oil.
Q: What did you find stolen from your house after the “Large Lovin’” party you threw?
A: A bust of Nolan Ryan and a roll of Canadian quarters.
Q. What will you give me for this one American quarter?
A. Three of them, but one stayed back to wait for his mom.
Q: How many hijackers were on the fifth plane?
A: A rampant moose and crossed golf clubs.
Q: Describe the logo for the new Bullwinkle and Tiger Woods chain of massage parlors.
A: With much more vigor than I can usually muster.
Q: How did I forcibly eject Bill Clinton?
A: Definitely.