“no longer around, just like the rest of him.”
“If you ever need someone to talk to…”
“…touch it, or if you’ve touched it, at least don’t lick your fingers.”
“Iv’e been lookin’ for the weasel, who used to drive a diesel, till…”
“he bought one of those hybrids.”
“The sign clearly states…”
“…no left turns. However, if there are no turns left, must we all go straight indefinitely?”
“Tonight on pay-per-view, George Michael and Pee Wee Herman in the rubber cage Crisco™ match…”
“has been cancelled. We’ll instead be showing the Mormon Tabernacle Choir’s Tribute to KISS.”
“As Jesus washed his feet, Judas…”
“…cried out, 'Lord! It’s about time you washed them treads. They be stanky! '”
“About this time a darkness came upon the land. It was not bright, either. Shortly therefter…”
“… His Airness announced that he would in fact be playing for another season.”
“As I sat down, a mug of hot chocolate by my side, my reading glasses perched precariously on the tip of my nose, and began to put pen to paper, …”
…an orgy!"
"Where have I been you ask? Well…
“… I’ve seen some things that a woman ain’t supposed to see…
I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to Western Super Mere”
“Sometimes when the wind blows from the west, and the full moon is in the sky …”
“I wonder who keeps casting my name as a write-in vote everytime our town chooses a new Garbage Commissioner. I also wonder whether it’s a sincere gesture or merely an ironic commentary on the fact that I smell bad and have a habit of ignoring ‘Do Not Litter’ signs.”
“This is drugs. This is your brain. This…”
“…is Congress. Choose two.”
“Adam and Eve/
Moved through the fair/
God snuck up behind them/
And…”
…said " Flower for the lady? five bucks a stem mister . "
… is German for “My Hovercraft is full of eels.”
“The greatest achievement by a Highland Games participant was …”
…the day when Big-Jock the famous hammer thrower passed his driving test.
The way to a clowns heart, is through…
“…his Volkswagen Beetle. But you have to get the other eighteen clowns out of the way first.”
“Mint grows wild at the bottom of Miss Penelope’s…”
“… Dungeon, where she holds all the best Kinky sex parties”
“The only good politician is a …”
“politician whose derriere is firmly ensconced in the jaws of a doberman.”
“Five days later, when the water ran out,…”
“…everyone had to switch to the dehydrated tequila… and we soon found that tequila powder was slippery stuff indeed…”
“Venice…”
“… has fewers canals than Manchester. So why can’t we go to Manchester for our hollidays”
“Slurp, Slurp, Mmmmmnnn, …”
“… I love the smell of soup in the morning.”
“Is that an accordion in your pants or…”