“…doubleposted.”
“Your <insert device name here> has a fully-rechargeable <insert device name here>. To remove the <insert part name here>, move the <insert part name here> <direction> and <action> the <insert part name here> . The <insert device name here> will…”
snap off into your hand, providing a vitamin-rich lotion for you.
“If two’s a crowd, then three’s a(n)…”
“… orgy.”
“The Necronomicon can be used to …”
“…order KFC, but only at midnight during a lunar eclipse in odd-numbered years when Aristarchus is in the Sign of the Drowning Refrigerator.”
“Larry looked at Monika. There was a silence. Then…”
"…the same noise Larry had just heard was repeated. “MONIKA! That’s the last time I’m taking you to Taco Bell for lunch again!” "
“Twelve days deep into the bush of West Africa, the guide wondered if the party he was guiding were big game hunters or…”
‘… interior designers. The way they would hang vines from the jungle huts, and bunch mosqueto nets into corner drapes was beginning to worry him. When Bernard attempted to rearrange the Crocodiles and Hippos using Feng Shui the resulting carnage was more than the old guide could take.’
‘The Victorians had an unusual taste for corparal punnishment, schools children were often …’
“…sautéed after whipping.”
“Even many of the more perceptive programmers were completely unaware that…”
…the smell from their perpetually unwashed ‘Red dwarf’ T-shirts was creating mystical garland of safety around their workplace so that no non-trekkers would come in and annoy them."
“talk about back to front in Japan, my girl sent me out one night to get tampons when we were on holiday, when I got them back to the hotel and she opened the packaging it turned out i’d actually bought…”**
. . . small box of dried herring."
“When I was a child, I believed that a little fairy snuck into my bedroom at night and left me a quarter for each tooth hidden under my pillow. Now that I’m older . . .”
…I realise that if I could catch the fairy and sell it on e-bay I could make a killing, but first I have to buy the fairy net, from e-bay.
" It’s bar-B-cue season again…"**
“…so be sure to put plenty of blaze orange on your home grills, to protect them from drunk hunters who might confuse them with wild bar-B-cues.”
“When the night has come, and the land is dark, and the moon is the only light we’ll see…”
“… it’ll be too late for playing cricket.”
“A Rose by any other name …”
“…would be someone else.”
“Next weekend is the car races downtown, and half the streets are blocked off. Therefore, it is important to…”
“…her face had been on fire and someone put it out with a pitchfork!”
Get with the beat there ChaosPL 
“… spread KY jelly on all the tight bends, just to make it more interesting.”
“Smileys are the instrument of the Devil. They will lead you to …”
… Staten Island, where you can meet a nice Italian girl and settle down."
“You may fire when ready, …”
(and Welcome to the SDMB, ChaosPL)
“…unless you are out of employees.”
"A new physical theory out of Lakehead University indicates that every discrete object in the universe has a remote control. Until recently, physicists had been only able to manifest the remotes of household electronics. New work and a larger budget has yielded remotes for industrial equipment, including (in one spectacularly-successful experiment) a locomotive. The ultimate success still beckons, though, and tonight, a groundbreaking experiment commences.
Tonight begins the search for…"
“… God’s remote control ! <drum roll>” This device promises unlimited power of the creator to whomever possesses it. No more waking up tired at 6:00 am, now you can sleep in till 11:00 and then make it 6:00 am anyway. The big ‘I am’ will become the big ‘can do’.
“Due to international pressure, the product formally known as ‘Brains Faggots’ shall be renamed …”
“…Mr Cranium’s Shirt-Lifters, with the advertising tag-line, “We’re Here, we’re queer, we don;t want any more gravy, thanks…””
“How can I continue, when you’re just …”
....lying there,like a sack of spuds, almost motionless except for the slight swaying of your right hand, a right hand that is holding a frying pan no less, with egg and bacon in it, over a mini-hob that you must have surreptisiously (sp?) hidden under the bed last night"**
" Times are hard…"