"…air molecules. The Wolf looked around. There was no house to be seen. He scratched his head. What was going on? After a moment he noticed a distant sign. As he approached, things became clearer, but it wasn’t until he was close to it that understanding dawned. Wolf read the sign over and over again with a sinking heart.
Towaway Zone."
“I’ve got thirteen tonnes of hot rice pudding to get to Vladivostok tomorrow, and…”
“. . . absolutely no more room in my pants.”
“I swear, in the candlelight he looked exactly like . . .”
"…that guy we met at that gas station, y’know, when we were on that road trip with your old girlfriend and that other guy, and we were passing through Marquette, and we stopped at the pizzeria that didn’t have pizza, and then the gas station, and the attendant was that funny old man that said he was related to your cousin, only you said no, because all your cousins were living in either Turku or Tallinn, I don’t remember which, but then after we got back you asked Mom and it turned out that cousin Vlado had been a sailor and hade done time on the lake freighters, and…
…anyway, he looked like that."
“Mom? Is that you?..”
…What time is it? Huh! It’s 2 o’clock in the morning mom, let me sleep. Hey quit pushing. What? Why are you trying to change my sheets at this time of the night? It’s pitch black woman. Have you been listening at my door again? I wasn’t doing anything, I was sleeping. It was the window banging in the wind you heard, listen…bump bump bump. See? I wasn’t doing anything. Are you wearing surgical gloves? Jesus Christ get outta here you clean freak. Let me sleep."
" I mean she was BIG, I think the tune ‘3 Times a Lady’ was penned with her in mind…"**
“…and she can see by radio too! Those eyes have got to be at least a metre across. Now that’s big.”
“Mrs. Windsor, come quickly. There has been an… event… at the Main Residence. We need to get you to…”
“…decontaminate Master Bates bedroom, before the Lord and Lady Bates return from holiday.”
“Maurice had a burning desire to learn if a huge, gangly moose would behave with the grace of an ice dancer, once placed in zero gravity. The only way to know was…”
“…to go to the Ice Capades on Mars.”
“The next time you’re in Beirut, and you have your clown suit and a few hours to kill, make sure to…”
“come on down to Unpainted Beirut, where we got the southwest’s largest collection of unfinished furniture in the region”
“sometimes when I lay awake at night, I think about that time I …”
“…hid in a jar in the back of the fridge. Time is quite a difficult commodity to hide, and I was only able to pull it off that once. Of course, when I went to use it later (extending a morning so I could sleep in and still get to work at 9:00), it had gone bad. Do you have any idea what kinds of mould grow on time? It’s scary, just scary.”
“Summer is IT. Summer is the season…”
“… of Carrol Singing and Christmas Cheer.” this message brought to you by the Australian tourist board
“Excess wear and tear can be avoided by …”
“…lubrication and a few friendly kisses.”
“11K$ for a custom accordion was more than Agusto’s papa was willing to spend, so he decided to…”
“…put the squeeze on his cousin Frank’s nephew’s brother’s wife’s uncle, who might manage to find a box that happened to fall off the back of a truck.”
“In this pamphlet you will find helpful information…”
“…which if observed, may preclude your being stuffed into a steamer trunk and dropped into the ocean. (1) Your payment is due on or before the 10th of every month.”
“Aloysuis missed the daily cantering of the hedgehogs and wondered if their departure was owing to…”
" . . . his decision to stop putting dishes full of hedgehog kibble all around his garden. Nah. Probably something else entirely."
“When Honoria at last opened her eyes and beheld the specatacle of Ambrose picking his toenails with his teeth – again! – she . . .”
“…quickly turned off the TV. These reality shows were getting a little to real for her taste. She shuddered delicately and turned to Ramón. Her Adonis, her god, Ramón would never be so déclassé as to allow her to see such a thing.”
“As she turned to view him, she discovered to her horror that…”
“…his head had turned into a clock. and not a good one either. this one looked like it had been made by Salvador Dali!!!”
“As Uncle Jimbo loaded his shotgun, he muttered…”
…quick Ned shoot, they’re coming right at us
if you can’t lick 'em…
“…then display them in a small glass jar, preserved in formaldehyde!”
“Matt gave the doorknob a twist and was surprised when…”
“…it wriggled sensuously in his palm.”
“He was even more surprised when he realised that the door had two knockers…”
“…and they were two of the nicest knockers he had seen since the evening his desire for a cold beer found him inside Dominique’s Den of Depravity.”
“Good Evening. This is your Captain, and if you look out the left side of the airplane you’ll see two white dots, which are the parachutes of the First Officer and me. I’d suggest that one of you…”