“it’s a career that offers stability, a good salary, and benefits.”
“If I had my way, we would send every…”
“…cube of neutronium back to the Larry Niven book it came from.”
“This evening, the Premier went on the radio and announced that every business would have to halve its usage of…”
“deliberately obfuscating jargon.”
“I’m not in this game for the money…”
“…I merely want to protect the voting rights of chickens everywhere.”
“Look, I messed up too. I should have taken…”
“…the money and run. Instead I stuck around and tried to open a chequing account for us all, and gave ID and everything, so of course they caught us. But is that any reason for those lead pipes and rubber h—”
“My mouse is…”
“…rather cute, but I must report that his last noted location is within my kitty.”
“Once the translation of the tape is run, everyone will understand that…”
“…fnord sqwolly yang ipple ack pfft.”
“What the HELL is this Post-it Note doing up my…”
“…golden retriever’s arse?”
“The unmanned high-altitude surveillance vehicle will finally allow the NSA, CIA, FBI, AFL, CIO, and NBA to see…”
“…where I lost my keys.”
“Now if I could just find out where I lost my…”
“…ability to reason with a bank officer when discussing my certificate of deposit, and the low interest that it earned in the last quarter.”
" How about all those times you had me …"
I’d rather have a bottle in front a me than a frontal labotomy
“…on top of the dining-room table? Don’t those count for anything?”
“Okay, so now that I have a DVD recorder, my first step will be to…”
“…get the TV back from the pawn shop and cable these buggers together.”
“The anesthesiologist wondered if he should mention the spare parts that the surgeon seemed to be overlooking, but then…”
“…she just tossed them into a jar of fermaldehyde with my other keepsakes.”
“It says right here on the bottle to only take 2 pills every four hours, but what if I…”
“…crush them all and mix them into some Chunky Beef Supreme and give them to the 174 feral chihuahuas that live in that house down the street? Then, Teratogen City!!! It’d be like Jurassic Park 2 all over again! Cooolll!!!”
“Mom! MMooom!!!…”
“…MMoom, mmoom, I’m deranged” (to the tune of Home on the Range)
“Perhaps if the sheep were more familiar with weightlessness then…”
“…they would better understand why clover is bad in large quantities”
“Considering television rots the mind…”
“and unicycling to work will get you labelled an eccentric, it’s best to avoid both.”
“After I had my wisdom teeth removed…”
“…people stopped paying attention to my punditry, and I have no idea why.”
“The greatest features of so many tourist attractions are their unparallelled oppurtunities to wait…”
“…in long lines to buy overpriced trinkets, or use the can.”
“Seeing that the necessary temperature was reached in the reactor vessel, Mitch secured his harness and awaited…”
“…the application of the radioactive butter to his chest. Then, inevitably, the isotope weasels would appear.”
“Tall, blonde, and handsome, the transvestite stepped…”