…through the misty dry iced doorway. Mathew Kelly claimed he had never seen such a good Britteny Spears look-alike, which was a shock to the tranny as the last thing he/she remembered was reaching to the back of the tall fridge in Tescos for a tub of Ben & Jerry’s with a decent sell-by date on it. Thing became a little clearer once she/he noticed the small bottle of Kelly’s own-brand Rohypnol in his shirt pocket.**
" The Barrow-Wights had decided that Tom Bombadil had robbed their joint for the last time…
…when suddenly they remembered those wussy little hobbits that had been ensnared long age, so they packed up and moved into Bag End."
"Bilblo was horrified when he walked into the room and saw Thorin and Bombour…
“…doing something very strange to Gandalf’s pointy hat.”
“Before I had my head shaved I had never quite realised…”
“…that right on top of my scalp was skin!”
“Leaving tiny glowing footprints in the damp soil, the isotope weasels scampered towards the light beyond the clearing…”
“…only to be horrified when it went out. Only much later did they learn the significance of the fridge-door slam, and the nature of What Lay Within.”
“Joanie went to the beach today, and…”
“…formed a meaningful relationship with a 28 foot squid which she now calls, affectionately, Marvin.”
“Jim knew he was going to violate Federation Regulations by…”
“…by mating with the entire alien population.”
“After fixing the toilet, the two girls adored the young man. But which one…”
“…would get to adjust his plumbing? This was a subject of great debate between them. The young man watched the girls with a shit-eating grin on his face, until he saw them both grip the toilet plunger and advance toward him.”
“Some disagree that the Americans were a mythical race. Krong-438 points out the remains of large earthworks on the eastern continent. Ambel-554 cites language similarities all around the Great Ocean. And Vlim-998 points out that the spread of the sport Beisbol closely follows the spread of Classic Anglic. But Pren-3 goes beyond all these to declare that…”
“…Futsbol was clearly associated with tribal life in America. Pointing to evidence of eating and drinking rituals known as ‘tailgating’ and the worship like gathering of clans to view ‘Super Bowl’, which culminated the season of Futsbol, Americans were something of a primitive lot. Scientists are still working on learning the hidden meaning of the X and O patterns drawn by the Tribal King they called ‘Madden’.”
“After investing thousands of dollars in typewriters, supplies, and monkey chow, Raymond had decided that…”
“…his career as an Assisted Technical Writer was only just the beginning.”
“Last week when I scanned that picture of you, I really didn’t expect that…”
“…uncanny resemblance to a llama’s ass.”
“A one, a two, a one, two, three…”
"… stone! "
"who you gonna call… "
“… when your drain is blocked? PLumber 3-1919.”
“It would appear that the weasels have managed to…”
"…trick the ferrets into doing all the work.
“Duck, duck, duck, …”
“…duck! The mallards’re goin in for the kill! All you mergansers keep your heads down! Duck!”
“Now, remember, when you get to that right turn that takes the trail across the highway, don’t just go right across! Use your snowmobile to…”
“…power the time machine taking you into the latter part of 2012 to see if the Chicago Cubs have won a Baseball title yet.”
“The information inside this letter is vital to the national security-so vital in fact, that you must carry it sealed inside this plastic tube…”
“…and that tube inserted inside a plastic dachsund. This is in the interest of secrecy, you see.”
“No. The Hokey-Pokey is NOT what it’s all about. Sit down, have a cigarette, and we’ll explain how…”
“…the lambada is the key to happiness.”
“After waiting for three days, I missed posting for #606 on the Consecutive Numbers Game…”
“…which is the number of consecutive weeks I have gone without eating roasted infants.”
“Fifteen men on a dead man’s…”
“…unbelievably thick pile of medical, surgical, rehibilitative, nursing and, ultimately, mortuary bills.”
“Home is the sailor, home from the sea, and…”