…take the baby out the liquidiser but you can leave the kitten in there."
"It’s not illegal if…
…if you say you didnt realise she was a goat"
"if i press the button…
…the whole world will implode and everyone will be very cross with you. So do it quickly and blame on some big boys who did it then ran away"
"A jelly like substance can be obtained by…
“…gently squeezing.”
“Well! My cellphone is even cooler than yours! My cellphone can…”
"…make me feel like my life matters. I get calls from people at the most inappropriate times,AND in the process piss off a whole lotta’ folks who have no choice but to listen to my inane conversations. Hey, how do ya’ like my new earpiece? Hands free, WOO-HOO!!!
“Interstellar travel was just a pipedream, until…”
“…people who smoked pipes thought about stars, and how they would love to get away from the people they were currently stuck with.”
“Mildly seated, the moose seemed at ease on ice skates until…”
“…his handlers realized that he was missing a ‘d’, and forcibly attemped to insert it. Then all hell broke loose.”
“On a good day, you can put onver 4 gigabytes of data on a recordable DVD. On a bad day…”
“…the squirrels have stolen your wallet and car keys, and are now going on a five day road trip to Las Vegas while under the influence of honey roasted nuts!”
'Why does it hurt when you…
“…think you’ve posted something witty and entertaining, only to realise you’re a dolt owing to a misspelling?”
A nod to your moose, Sunspace
“There has to be a way to find out where the treasure is buried. It looks like the map was written on this worn pair of…”
“…ladies’ underwear my great-grandfather had hidden under his…,moving right along.”
“With 12,000 severely-scratched CD’s, Larry was almost able to…”
“…completely cover his house. He didn’t have to call that loathsome aluminum-siding salesman after all!”
“Many man prefer blondes. Some prefer blonds. A few prefer both. The ones who prefer redheads let everyone know. There are those who prefer brunettes. And those who prefer blacks. But the most vocal ones are the ones who …”
“…are colorblind, and go through life never knowing whom it is that they prefer, unable to answer the question about blondes having more fun.”
“After enduring years of verbal abuse, the hamsters organized a revolt, starting with…”
“…looting the Hamsters R Us store down at the local mall.”
“After raking leaves all day, it suddenly dawned on me…”
“…That Pigs that can fly base their aerial prowess on the African Swallow.”
“It suddenly occured to me, as I aimed my fist at…”
“…my reflection in the bathroom mirror, that perhaps some adulterant had been added to my mouthwash.”
“My first guitar lesson went pretty well, at the end of the hour I could just about…”
“…crack the mirror.”
“Miruvor…”
“…miruvor, on the wall, why am I talking to you like this? I must have the intellect of a chimp!”
“After dipping the hamsters into a dewar of LN2, they are then placed into the centrifuge where it will be determined…”
“…if this will make posting any faster.”
“Your Windsong stays on my mind, but…”
“…the fart you left in my car won’t go away.” Eww!
“This will be the final attempt to propel…”
A wizened old monarch fifty thousand miles across a desert using only a thermo-nuclear blast, after this the entire Royal Family of Borogravia will be dead, natch"
"In the beginning was the word, and the word was…