Quotes that, darn it, need to be posted.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

WARNING: LONG POST (goman nassai)

Why you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking…NERFHERDER! --Princess Leia, ESB

Do or do not. There is no try. --Yoda, ESB

Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere. Yes, even between the land and the ship. --Yoda, ESB

I got a baaaad feeling about this. --various, SW series

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope. --Princess Leia, ANH (YES, A New Hope. ::raspberry:: )

Watch your mouth, kid, or you’re gonna find yourself floating home. --Han Solo, ANH

If money is all you love, then that’s what you’ll receive. --Princess Leia, ANH

Hmph! Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh! A Jedi craves not these things. --Yoda, ESB

Never tell me the odds! --Han Solo, ESB

Captain, being held by you isn’t quite enough to get me excited. --Princess Leia, ESB

I AM NOT A COMMITTEE! --Princess Leia, ESB

-I’d just as soon kiss a Wookiee!
-I can arrange that! You could use a good kiss! --Princess Leia and Han Solo, ESB

Oh! I thought they smelled bad on the outside! --Han Solo, ESB

Wars not make one great. --Yoda, ESB

-I love you
-I know --Han Solo and Princess Leia, ESB and ROTJ

I’m nice men. --Han Solo, ESB

He’s more machine now than man; twisted and evil. --Obi-Wan Kenobi, ROTJ

-My eyes are getting better. Instead of a big dark blur, I’m beginning to see a big light blur.
-There’s nothing to see. I used to live here, you know.
-You’re going to die here, too. Convenient. --Han Solo and Luke Skywalker, ROTJ

Well, why don’t you use your divine influence and get us out of this? --Han Solo, ROTJ

When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not. --Yoda, ROTJ

-Together again.
-Wouldn’t miss it.
-How we doin’?
-Same as always.
-That bad, huh? --Han Solo and Luke Skywalker, ROTJ

42

Olive Oyl goes shoe shopping. She says to the clerk, “I take a size 6 but a 10 feels sooooo good!”

43

“listen, six eyes, don’t try to out-weird me. I get stranger things free with my breakfast cerial.”

“I am dead I just haven stopped moving yet.”

“Don’t Panic”

44

Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

Darkness cannot stop darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot stop hate; only love can do that – MLK Jr.

45

A few of my faves are:

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” - Gordie Howe

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work” - Thomas Edison

“You can have it good. You can have it fast. You can have it cheap. Pick two.” - Dan Holohan

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands in times of challenge and controversy.” - M L King, Jr.

“I believe that the rendering of useful service is the common duty of mankind, and that only in the purifying fire of sacrifice is the dross of selfishness consumed and the greatness of the human soul set free.” - J D Rockefeller, Jr.

“In matters of style, go with the current. In matters of principle, stand alone.” - Thomas Jefferson

46

There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.

Be wary of strong drink It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

Natural laws have no pity.

If ye love wealth greater than liberty, the tranquility of servitude greater than the animating contest for freedom, go home from us in peace. We seek not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you; and may posterity forget that ye were once our countrymen. - Samuel Adams

Pain is the best instructor, but no one wants to go to his class."
Choi, Hong Hi Founder of Taekwon-Do

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kick-boxing

I think there’s something incredibly sexy about a woman wearing her boyfriend’s T-shirt and underwear.
- Calvin Klein

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them, right?

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood… Who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and… if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that this place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
- Theodore Roosevelt

“Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed…every morning a lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn’t matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle… when the sun comes up, you better be running.”

“I like a man who grins when he fights.”

  • Prime Minister Winston Churchill

“You know, sometimes it’s worth it - taking all the pies in the face. Sometimes you come through it feeling good.” -Dan
“Yes.” -Casey
“And how was your day?” -Dan
“Sometimes you just stand there, hip-deep in pie.” -Casey

Buffy: You had sex with Giles! You had sex with Giles!
Joyce: It was the candy. We were teenagers.
Buffy: On the hood of a police car!?
Joyce: I’ll be downstairs. You feel better.
Buffy: Twice!

Never attack someone in their own kitchen. They know where all the best weapons are.

“Never, Marge! Never. I can’t live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors – oh, I’ll never be the darling of the so-called “City Fathers” who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about “What’s to be done with this Homer Simpson?””

Skylar: What if I said I wouldn’t have sex with you again till I got to meet your friends, what would you say?
Will: It’s four-thirty, they’re probably still awake.

We’re all very different people. We’re not Watusi, we’re not Spartans, we’re Americans! With a capital “A,” huh? And you know what that means? Do you? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world!

That is less than one third of my favorite quotes

47

“What’s more humane? Being slaughtered for meat or having to spend 8 hours a day, 40 hours per week in a cubicle for the rest of your life with assholes who listen to shitty music without headphones, then retiring and withering away with old age and cancer as your obnoxious kids grow up and treat you like shit? Slaughter please.”

-Maddox from his Best Page in the Universe

48

Some day someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it’s empty.

49

Some good quotes here! I like this thread so far.

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside a dog, it’s too dark to read.” --Groucho Marx

“But we must remember that art is art. Still, after all, water is water. And east is east, and west is west. And if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.” --Groucho Marx

“If a woman had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she would save the infant’s life without considering whether there was a man on base.” --Dave Barry

FISH

50

Barry Switzer: “Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.”

51

Bilbo Baggins

Hagar the Horrible, instructing Hamlet.

52

“Sir, you use your tongue purdier’na twenny dollar whore.”

Taggart,
Blazing Sadddles

53

is a quote junkie

Toward the end of the Middle Ages feudal and hierarchic pride had lost nothing, as yet, of its vigour; the relish for pomp and display was as strong as ever…So violent and motley was life, that it bore the mixed smell of blood and of roses. The men of that time always oscillate between the fear of hell and the most naive joy, between cruelty and tenderness, between harsh asceticism and insane attachment to the delights of this world, between hatred and goodness, always running to extremes.
– Jan Huizinga, The Waning of the Middle Ages

Perhaps we’re all a little mad, we who don the cap and bells and tread beneath the proscenium arch. But tonight we will all be transformed from dead-eyed suburbanites to white-hot greasefires of pure entertainment!
– the director in the “Oh, Streetcar” Simpsons episode

…and you spend the entire play waiting for bad things to happen, worrying about what the hell kind of king Hal is going to be, whether Falstaff will actually get ‘all he can eat’ or send the Sea Captain to court, etc…
– my friend Lance, on Henry IV

Tell them we look like writers – poor, needy, and incredibly attractive.
– K.C. Hunter [Kira], “Far Beyond the Stars,” DS9

Also a sea-beast, lumpish, which he snared,
Blinded the eyes of, and brought somewhat tame,
And split its toe-webs, and now pens the drudge
In a hole o’the rock and calls him Caliban;
A bitter heart that bides its time and bites.
Plays thus at being Prosper in a way;
Taketh his mirth with make-believe; so He.
– Robert Browning, “Caliban upon Setebos”

History adds that before or after dying he found himself in the presence of God and told Him: ‘I who have been so many men in vain want to be one and myself.’ The voice of the Lord answered from a whirlwind: ‘Neither am I anyone; I have dreamt the world as you dreamt your work, my Shakespeare, and among the forms in my dream are you, who like myself are many and no one.’
– Jorge Luis Borges

54

Jules: Wanna know what I’m buyin’ Ringo?
Pumpkin: What?
Jules: Your life. I’m givin’ you that money so I don’t hafta kill your ass. You read the Bible?
Pumpkin: Not regularly.
Jules: There’s a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.” I been sayin’ that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin’ made me think twice. Now I’m thinkin’: it could mean you’re the evil man. And I’m the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here, he’s the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you’re the righteous man and I’m the shepherd and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. I’d like that. But that shit ain’t the truth. The truth is you’re the weak. And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m tryin’, Ringo. I’m tryin’ real hard to be a shepherd.
-Pulp fiction

O.k i was posting abunch of jack Handy quotes here, but it got to long so just go HERE

My peers lately, have found companionship through means of intoxication-- it makes them sociable. I, however, cannot force myself to use drugs to cheat on my lonlieness–it is all that I have–and when the drugs and alchol dissipate, will be all that my peers have as well.
-Franz Kafka

55

Fatigue is the Foe of the Magician.
Aleister Crowley

56

“Truth, much like art, is in the eye of the beholder. You believe what you want, I’ll believe what I know.” - Kevin Spacey in ‘Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil’

57

Love Jack Handey!

Somewhere around here is a book called “Thank You Fo The Giant Sea Tortoise” which is a collection of contests run in “New York” magazine back in the 60’s. There are several chapters with amusing quote-like things.

Rather than trying to find the book, I’ll try to remember/paraphrase two of my faves:

In numbers there is quantity

There are only three things in life that are certain: buttermilk, lawn chairs, orangutans, and chimneys

58

"I’m so cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month, I’m so hip I am having difficulty seeing over my pelvis "

“Whores will have thier trinkets”

“Millwall, Millwall, you’re all really dreadful and all your girlfiends are unfulfilled and alienated”

59

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy any day!”

“It’s only kinky the first time you do it…”

“Leave the gun…take the cannolis”

60

Which sparks a dim memory…
“Using a feather duster is kinky. Using the whole chicken is weird.”
But I can’t recall who said that, now.