I hate rejecting someone who is nice, who I like but who I just don’t have a connection to. I don’t want to hurt their feelings. But I don’t want to lead them on either.
But then I’m terrified of asking too, because rejection makes me cry like a little bitch.
Asking is harder because I’ve never been asked.
You can say no just by not doing anything–not showing up, not responding favorably, etc… You must actively ask. Of course the latter is harder.
Well sure you can, if you’re an asshole. And if you’re an asshole, it’s unlikely you’ll find it difficult to hurt peoples’ feelings.
And I have plenty of experience on both sides of the fence.
I voted “saying no”, and I’m perplexed by the numbers. Saying no to a date is incredibly difficult.
For me, asking is no problem anymore, at all. I’ve gone on plenty of dates with plenty of guys, and nobody has any obligation to date someone for ANY REASON. I’m cool with being turned down, I don’t even have to know why. I don’t invest a lot of “pre-thought” into someone with whom I don’t have a relationship. It’s all just for fun before dating starts, so if dating doesn’t start, we can still keep having fun. Or not. Either way, I’m not going to cry about it if I get turned down. Many, many fish in the sea.
Is is possible that the primary difference is people who feel their own emotions more intensely than they are able to empathize with others? I am an extremely empathetic person (when it comes to dating and relationships) and am more bothered by causing someone else discomfort than I am bothered by my own.
It’s harder for me to reject, than receive a rejection. That said, my experience of asking people out is limited to very casual, informal offers that don’t automatically imply a real date (and that is by design).
If I were in the habit of making obviously romantic overtures to people, a rejection would carry more sting to me because I would take it personally. But “I want pizza; want to have some with me later?” doesn’t really qualify as that, IMO, because if they say “No, I have plans already…some other time maybe”, my pride is left completely untouched. I can ask someone to share some pizza with me without putting my heart on my sleeve.
One thing that makes saying no difficult (at least for me) is that you’re put on the spot. If a guy asks you out and it’s clear that this is a Date with hearts and roses all around it, and you’re not interested at all in getting involved, but you appreciate the fact that he’s put his heart on the line, you have to figure out a way to say “no” that is tactful and sensitive to his feelings. If he’s one of those guys who is persistent and/or impervious to nonverbal cues, then you also have to make sure he understands exactly what “no” means (it doesn’t just mean no to dinner this week; it means you’re not interested in him romantically at all). Even after doing all of this, there is still some risk that things will be awkward and maybe even worse if he doesn’t take it very well. You’re not given much time to formulate a response that both minimizes this risk and also ensures you’re 100% understood.
At least when you ask someone out, you have as much time as you want or need to figure out what to say and how to say it.
Asking is way harder.
But that’s the thing. People who I would ordinarily not think were assholes use that technique all the time. And their excuse is that they didn’t want to hurt the person’s feelings. It’s even come up here on this board. It’s apparently better to be as indirect as possible and let the actual answer come upon them gradually, when you’ll be far enough away that they won’t do something rash or try to convince you to come back.
My point is that there are apparently a bunch of acceptible ways to say no, but only a few acceptable ways to ask.
Perhaps they find saying ‘no’ difficult…
Seriously, they go through all that avoidance because they find an outright ‘No’ too difficult. That’s the point of the OP.
I’m in no way defending the practice.