Asking someone on a date or saying no?
30 years ago, I debated this question with my girlfriend. At the time, I was squarely in the “asking is more difficult” camp. She insisted that saying no was harder. I still think that I was right (surprise surprise) but I can at least see her point of view now.
Poll coming.
Asking, and your girlfriend is totally in the wrong, and I say this as a girl who’s been mostly asked. I have asked a couple of times, and it is incredibly hard, especially when you get a no from someone you totally expected a yes from - it’s that much harder to ask next time.
asking has **gotta **be harder.
by asking someone on a date, you’re putting yourself out there to a girl (or a guy), making yourself vulnerable in the extreme. if she/he says yes, all’s well. if they say no, that’s rejection. hopefully you’re secure enough to take it in stride, but it’s still a blow to the ego, large or small.
I voted “saying no”. Asking to me is easy, but saying no, *especially *after the first date is really hard for me. I can handle being rejected, I hate rejecting others though.
I can’t see how saying no is hard at all. I’ve rarely had the oppurtunity to say no but the times I’ve had it’s been the easiest thing in the world. I had a married woman ask me to go inside her house for a drink after I drove her and her friend home from the bars recently a simple “I don’t think that’s a good idea” ended the conversation. I got a good feeling from being asked and never saw her again so there was no awkwardness afterwards.
The women I’ve asked normally involve at least a couple of minutes of getting myself ready for rejection and trying to find a natural way to ask them out. It’s always stressfull enven when I’m 905 sure of the answer. Hell even asking out a girl earlier this week who I’d been out with before about a month or so ago took me a couple of minutes to send her the text message.
Unless you get invested in the emotional health of strangers, I can’t see any compitition.
With strangers, neither is hard, but asking is just a little harder. With people you actually know and have some investment in, both are hard, but I think saying no is harder, if only a tiny bit. I’d rather be a little stung myself than hurt anyone I care about, for the most part.
The above is exactly why I also voted “saying no” is harder.
I think they’re the same, and by that, I mean that it depends for both. Each one depends on your personality.
If you’re at all shy or insecure, asking is going to be a difficult thing to do. If you are a very sympathetic person who is always worried about how other people are feeling, you’re going to find it really hard to say no. But you may be neither of those things, in which case, either might be easy to do.
I’ve done both, and asking is harder for me. Though both are hard.
Saying no is more unpleasant to be sure, because there is no good outcome, but it ain’t harder.
Saying no for me. I never really worried much about asking. If I got a no, I was in the same situation as before I asked: without a date. Can’t say I’ve had a ton of recent experience, though. I’ve been married for 8 years and had a long term girlfriend (5 years) just a little while before I started dating my wife.
Being said “no” to is harder than saying “no”, so I’m going with asking is harder.
Ten years ago, I would have said asking is harder, but I actually don’t really mind now. I draw some comfort even if I get a “no,” because then I don’t beat myself up later worrying that I missed an opportunity. Not as pleasant as a “yes,” obviously, but certainty that it wasn’t going to happen anyway gives me a little peace of mind against the regrets of life.
Now, I think that saying no is a little bit harder. And don’t get me wrong; I am the least sympathetic asshole you’ll ever find, but there’s something about rejecting someone who has made herself vulnerable to you and only you (at the moment, anyway) that makes me feel terrible.
But it doesn’t gotta be harder because as you say, you are hopefully secure enough to take it in stride. I have never in my life have a woman reject me in a mean way, and I really doubt anyone does unless the asker is really offensive and nasty.
The “meanest” thing refusers do is offer half-assed non-commital refuses and inadvertently lead the askee on.
On the other hand, if you’re turning someone down and you’re a compassionate person you’ve got to worry about their feelings because maybe they can`t take it in stride.
I agree entirely. Within the past five years (of being single), I have had two former co-workers (from two different jobs and didn’t know each other) call me out of the blue and initiated flirty conversations. In both cases, I had initiated moving from friends to a dating opportunity. Both agreed, but continued to call and flilrt but consistently flaked on actually setting a real date. I thought it was very mean.
For the first non-date, we made all sorts of plans for about three weeks while calling / texting all the time. Then we actually set a date. I bought new clothes, rented a car so I could drive her, reservations at a fancy place (all pre-discussed, so it’s not like she didn’t know what she was getting into). When the day came she wouldn’t answer texts, calls or emails. Originally I was worried then hurt about being blown off, but when I got her email the next day saying she forgot and was hanging with a friend I decided to blow her off. I didn’t reply. She never comminicated back. We don’t speak anymore.
With the second flake, she called me and we had a three-hour conversation (and I don’t like to speak on the phone). Again initiated by her. At first it was friendly but then it got flirty. At the end of the call, I asked her out and she said she had to juggle to find a date that worked for her. We texted and emailed for almost two weeks after that but she shot down all my suggestions. After she didn’t reply to my last two suggestions that (seemed) to match her calendar, I took the hint and figured she was blowing me off.
So, yeah. Leading somebody on is worse than hearing “no”. I can hear “no”. I’ve heard it before. Telling somebody you want to go out with them and no follow-up communication sucks.
I also agree that asking people out gets tougher after hearing ‘no’ so many times, but you can’t give up, right?
Sorry to be so long winded, but I just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks.
Never thought of this before but…I’ve never asked for a date. I’m that bashful/shy/careful. In every case, from my first GF to my current wife, I’ve read signs, reread them, ignored them, marked them up as misreads, etc. until I was dead sure there would be no rejection. Then out of the blue I steal the kiss and all proceeds groovily.
I have said “Ehhh, I don’t think that’s such a good idea” before and it was natural and painless. Considering the uncertainty leading up to My Big Move, I’d say asking is harder.
I voted for “same.” Fortunately, I haven’t needed to date for a few decades, but I remember feeling intense anxiety over any dating-related situation.
It was always more difficult for me to ask; I feared rejection, especially from girls who were a part of a group I hung out with.
Nowadays, I dont even worry about it. I ask, sometimes at random. Then again I work in a feild where I have alot of detailed contact with the public so I am pretty fearless. Once I asked 3 different women at the grocery store and one actually went out with me…not bad for 20 min work 
I voted same. Like others have said earlier and more eloquently, it depends on who is asking and rejecting.
There’s too many variables to get a definitive answer.
As a woman, it’s hard for me to ask because it goes against the established norm (even in these ‘enlightened’ times) but I’ve never had to worry about a violent or even impolite rejection - some guys however, have taken great offense to the idea that I don’t want to date them, no matter how politely I think I’ve refused. I don’t believe I’m unique in that experience amongst women, but I don’t believe it’s universal either.
Most men would have a whole lot of different expectations to begin with, then all the usual variations on top of that.
Saying ‘no’ is hard? Gee, I should apologize for all the trauma I’ve caused women over the years.
It seems to me that very few people will have experience on both sides of the fence.