Re-introducing Joey Hemlock, Man of Exquisite Taste and Beauty

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hello, I’m Joey Hemlock. I used to post here from time-to-time way back in, oh, 2001 maybe? I stopped because I suddenly discovered the instant gratification that is #straightdope, and then I fell in with the livejournal crowd and now I swing that way. But I got to thinking about it and, well, I admit that I’ve been selfish. Sure, it’s easier for me, but it deprives the THOUSANDS of SDMB users from getting to know me. And that would be a shame, as I am clearly an all-around spectacular human being[sup]1[/sup] that people should be able to get to know.

So, I have decided to reintroduce my spectacularness to the SDMB so that more people may bask in the glory that is me. Perhaps I should tell you a little bit about myself: I’m 30, a Gemini, and originally from Michigan (The Mitten State). My measurements are 7.6 - 6.6 - 7.3 (x10[sup]-3[/sup] furlongs). My turn-ons include sunsets, soft fuzzy puppies and bunnies, romantic dinners, and women rubbing one or more of their body parts against my crotch. Turn-offs include mean people, Los Lobos, Andie MacDowell, and things that remind me of Andie MacDowell.

There’s really so much more. For instance, I speak only one language, but I can say “You have nice breasts” in two languages[sup]2[/sup]. And you probably have heard tale of my superfulous third nipple (which I had to give up when the maintenance got to be more than I could afford). Unfortunately, space here is limited (and a few gag orders are still in effect (affect? effect? iffect?)), so I’ll have to save it for another moment of extreme selflessness. In the mean time, feel free to discuss topic-appropriate things, such as me, why you like me, what you think it’s like to be me, and the implications of the impending Iraqi military conflict on the psyche of the average American as it relates to me. Feel free to ask any questions and either myself or one of my representatives will open your mind.

Thank you for your time,
Joey Hemlock

[sup]1[/sup] - Spectacular Human Being Monthly, March 2002, p. 19
[sup]2[/sup] - Three languages if you count “Las boobies est buena!”[sup]3[/sup].
[sup]3[/sup] - Four if you count “r0><><0r 7177135!”

2

I’d like to speak on behalf of Mr. Hemlock, and inform new and old posters alike that he’s a supreme hug giver, a right jolly old elf, and he makes a teeny tiny sumo pony tail look awesome.

Subscribe to Joey Hemlock today.

3

I must agree with jarbabyj and say that Joey gives the BEST HUGS EVER!

4

So what, exactly, do you have against Andie MacDowell? Is she just one of those people that rubs you the wrong way?

5

Oh, how I’ve missed you! I wept nightly! I tore my hair and rent my garments! Then the rent was raised and I had to don sackcloth and ashes. But now that you’ve returned, life is good. I am at peace. Thank you.
Um, you are the same “Joey” who wrote on my moose’s foot, right? If not, disregard the preceeding message.

[sub]Welcome back[/sub]

6

Damn, Joey, I’m glad my boss wasn’t around to see me trying to hold in my laughter as I read that. It’s a pleasure to see you back here. :slight_smile: Hi from a fairly newb Chicago-area Doper!

7

He’s a good kisser, too! And a good cook! And a good dancer! Man, if only I were gay.

8

He’s a good kisser? good cook? Good dancer?

Man, if only I were straight.

Tibs.

9

My problems with Andie MacDowell have basically stemmed from the fact that she is a horrible horrible horrible actress. My right pinky is displaying more acting talent right now than the alleged Ms. MacDowell has shown in all of her performances combined*. I’d say that she has the emotional range of an airport tarmac, but that would be an insult to the fine union workers who constructed those tarmacs.

And she does sort of just rub me the wrong way, too.

*My left pinky, however, continues to be a disappointment and had better start picking it up a little if it wants to keep it’s gig.

10

[list=1]
[li]Joey Hemlock gives fantastic hugs.[/li][li]Joey Hemlock does a good Yves Tanquay impersonation.[/li][li]Yves Tanquay does good hair.[/li][li]Joey Hemlock has great taste in music. Just like me.[/li][li]Joey Hemlock sucked on my nose once.[/li][li]Joey Hemlock is nice and cuddly.[/li][li]There is no number 7.[/li][li]He’s good even though he’s originally from Michigan.[/li][li]Joey Hemlock is possibly one of the funniest people I’ve ever met.[/li][li]He does, indeed, make a teeny tiny sumo-ponytail look awesome.[/li][li]Joey Hemlock loves me, too, and he’s a great friend of mine.[/li][/list=1]

By Jessica, age 10 and a half.

11

So to what does footnote #3 refer? Is this one of those funny sly jokes I never get?

12

When you get to where I am, you’ve signed so many mooses (meese?) that it’s hard to keep which is which. As I recall, however, I signed a book that was attached to a fuzzy white moose. I don’t recall signing that particular moose directly. However, I have occasionally been known to partake of some tasty alcoholic beverage at moose-signing events, so anything is possible.

13

Footnote 3 is leetspeak. The second word is “titties”… I’m still puzzling over the first.

Oh, I also must say that JoeyHemlock is indeed a man of qualities. Many different attributes most certainly make up most of what JoeyHemlock is. The man epitomizes the essence of various skills and temperments. Huzzah to JoeyHemlock!

:slight_smile:

14

It’s part of a crazy hacker subculture (i.e. 12-15 year old rich boys and Hamadryad) where ><'s are x’s and 0’s are o’s and 7’s are t’s and 1’s are i’s and 3’s are e’s and 5’s are s’s.

Kids. :rolleyes:

15

I’m sure Mr. Lecter would agree.

<snork>

16

You know, as I was thumbing through my March issue of Spectacular Human Beings Monthly, I thought I saw a familiar name.

I of course subscribed when they decided to put me on the cover of the December '99 issue.

:smiley:

17

Man, if only I had a vagina. WHY, GOD? WHAY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?

18

Not to name-drop or anything, but I have met this JoeyHemlock. He is everything that has been reported above, and more (although I can’t swear to the kissing part… we’ve never kissed, despite what the papers say…). I heartily endorse this JoeyHemlock.

19

Haha! That’s great! Man, I almost spit Coke out my nose when I read that.

Wait, no I didn’t. In fact, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

20

Hehehe… 12 year old boys and Hama.

You know what’s weird, Joey? I never noticed that I never see you on the boards.

smooch