I’m not a mental health professional or anything, but it seems to me that this Gini had a bunch of “Daddy issues” on top of “abusive ex boyfriend issues” that ultimately got projected onto your relationship. For example, you are not a Psycho Ex because you have the reasonable (if somewhat adolescent IMHO) desire to hold hands in public. But if Gini has constantly been treated in a manner where public displays of affection are forbidden, such contact might feel weird and unnatural.
Really all your Gini “use cases” have a common theme of intimacy problems.
There is also the very real possibility that “Psycho Ex” wasn’t really abusive and was driven crazy by Gini’s bullshit. We’re only hearing the story through your translation of her point of view. AFAIK, the truth could be more like:
Gini would prefer to sleep in a position that avoids contact with her partner.
Mickey would do an appropriate amount of mix and mingling at parties while Gini would not engage with other people.
Gini rejected an endless stream of potential apartments for petty reasons.
After 3 months Gini “turned off” and after 3 months of that Mickey started to become frustrated.
Gini had a “bad day” and called Mickey like 50 times at work when he had some major deadline or something due.
Micky snapped his fingers or whatever after having to call Gini ten times to get her attention.
They are totally wired to be able to act in ways that seem perfect, and perfectly attractive, to others. Until you’re hooked and then they seamlessly change into the lizard person they really are and proceed to make your life hell while making their life excellent by their f***-ed up standards.
IOW, you’re (probably) fine. But you got suckered by a pro.
Be a bit more cautious in the future. As the saying goes about business offers: “If it looks too good to be true, it probably is too good to be true.”
That’s probably it, but I can’t believe I got so completely blindsided by her.
I was 45 when we met and I’d had a dozen relationships, including four long-term ones, plus as about many short flings. I thought I had a good grip on the whole who’s-worth-it-and-who’s-not thing.
For sure.
She once explained that her father was not the kind of man you say “no” to, and I immediately felt the fear she’d experienced but at the same time an undercurrent of love and admiration for this though-as-nails, self-made man. I’m convinced that a lot of her issues stem from there.
It must be a cultural thing (bolding mine).
Holding hands is something couples of all ages do here as a matter of course, even very old people. Not doing it is usually a red flag, especially after a couple of months, which is why I found it worrying, and borderline insulting when she refused.
By the way, thanks for your posts, they’re really helpful. They seem to confirm that Gini’s behaviour was indeed problematic, although I still want to point out, lest we forget, that Mickey’s fits of rage were totally reprehensible.
Finally, I also want to mention that Gini wasn’t like this all the time. We had some great times together during which she was wonderfully affectionate, funny and sweet. These, I will remember. Of course, you could say that that was part of the plan all along, in which case all that remains is the truly amazing sex we had. At least there’s that.
That happens, of course. I noticed the plural noun, “relationshipS”. If this is happening to you repeatedly, you might want to analyze why. One of the wisest things I ever heard was, “We teach people how to treat us.”
SuntanLotion, I was a bit concerned with the very gloomy tone of your posts, but, as my story proves, we all make mistakes and the important thing is to do better the next time. You have. I’m still learning. By the way, this…
… is something I wish I’d known before I met Gini. Thanks, Jasmine.
This thread has confirmed what I already felt at the time. It is however difficult to “break the spell” when you’re with that person all the time. Up to the very end, she was often warm, funny and sweet. Heck, we made love on her initiative less than 48h before we broke up. Then, there was the way she looked at me. I’ve had two dozen relationships but there were at most 3 other women who ever looked at me like that, with love in their eyes. That made me doubt my conclusions. But then, actors - even mediocre ones - are testament to the fact that this too can be faked.
Perhaps she really loved me but was clueless as to how to behave in a relationship.
Perhaps she enjoyed the advantages of being with someone without any of the responsibilities.
Perhaps she was unsure about us but Covid prevented her from ending things earlier.
Perhaps she was indeed a psychopath who enjoyed playing with people.
I will never know for sure.
Best to remember the good times we had without thinking too much about the darker sides of her personality.
I am definitely not a mental heath expert, but is there any chance Gini could have been struggling with clinical depression? The bit about her spending hours alone in her room doing nothing, especially, sounds like a very typical symptom.
I agee with you but the real question for me is : was she a victim of her upbringing or a truly evil person ? Or something in-between ?
On our last night together, after we had already decided to break up, we were lying in bed talking about the good moments we’d had and she suddenly wrapped her arms around my neck and started crying, saying “I’m so sorry, please forgive me”. This leads me to think that she didn’t do all this on purpose, or that she realized it was wrong at the very least. I find some comfort in that.
The only thing that DOES matter, and matters yugely, is how well @Moonrise has learned to spot Gini-like behaviors and tendencies in the next woman he starts to feel interest in.
The problem is that Gini seemed to have the two qualities that I value the most : kindness and honesty. Perhaps next time I meet a woman who also has those qualities, I’ll mess everything up by suspecting she’s pulling a Gini on me.
More importantly, I saw Gini at work today, the first time we met since we broke up. We spoke for three hours and our encounter reminded me of why I fell in love with her and why I must steer clear from her.
The first hour was great. She looked genuinely happy to see me and I thought she was going to hug me. She didn’t, which was prudent (our relationship started with a “friendly” hug that turned into a kiss). She smiled constantly and I couldn’t help but notice that she had that loving look in her eyes again. We chuckled a few times at each other’s idiosyncracies (my “little cat’s cough”, her brief nasal whine when something annoys her).
But she started to change. She became less and less expressive and I noticed that she barely asked me any questions, she was going on and on about herself only. She made a point of sitting far from me and at one point walked all the way around a table to pick a bottle that was right next to me as if she didn’t want to come near. Again, prudent perhaps but a bit insulting. Then, all of a sudden she got up and said “It’s 7 and I’m ready to leave but you’re still here” although she was the one who had been talking non-stop for the past hour. She acted as if my presence was not welcome anymore and I left with a bitter taste in my mouth.
I’m going to see her at least twice in the next two weeks because we have to work on something together. I’ll stay professional of course but while the first moments with her today made me think would could still really enjoy each other’s company, I now really don’t feel like seeing her again.
Seems to me you’ve learned that some people can keep their nice-person act up for about 90 minutes tops. So next time you start to fall for someone, arrange to have a longer meeting early to see how soon they let their mask slip. If they don’t, it’s increasingly likely it’s not a mask.
It’s as if I was living in some sort of Groundhog Day / The Young and the Restless mash-up.
Gini had an all-day meeting at the other side of the city today so I was surprised to see her enter my office around 1:30. The conversation went like this :
Gini : “The meeting was cut short so I decided to come to the office”
Me : “OK”
Gini : “I walked past your office, saw you were in and was concerned that you were going to wonder what the heck I was doing here”
Me : “Well, you don’t owe me an explanation”
Gini : “But I was afraid you’d think I’d misled you”
Me : “Look, I didn’t monitor your every move when we were together, I’m not going to do it now”
She stayed for about 10 minutes and was her “pleasant” self again, smiling and warm. That was welcome after the sour notes on which yesterday’s encounter ended but I have a strange feeling that I’m back to square one.
When we first met, she initiated everything. She’s the one who started popping in my office daily, the one who sent me the first email and the first text, the one who invited me back to her place after work, the one who asked me to make love to her, the one who first opened up about her feelings (“I’m in love with you”). But once we were together, she quickly turned off and I spent the next two and a half years trying to make our relationship move forward only to get silence, false promises and dubious excuses in return. And now that we’ve broken up, she’s texting me and coming to my office again, like over two and a half years ago.
What a weird woman. Intelligent. Beautiful. Fascinating. But so, so weird.
Make that one month. That’s when she said the first thing that I now view as a red flag. Actually, make that five. That’s when I realized that there was something suspicious about her behaviour.
