I forgot to add that statements like “I want you to want to go dancing with me” are an attempt to do exactly what the OP is wanting. The phrasing could be more explicit, but in my experience people who are under emotional duress aren’t really the best at being all analytical about their feelings. They don’t have the energy or emotional strength left by the breaking-up stage, and they may not have ever had the inclination. Maybe they could go into a big involved explanation of what exactly it means, but they’re just too damn tired, mentally and emotionally, to screw with it. And it’s not like they’re such a huge priority to the guy that he’s going to be all broken up about them leaving, so why put themselves through it?
Well, except for the part where in at least two posts you stated something to the effect of the breaker upper confessing their “selfishness”.
I don’t agree (except in the case of the aforementioned jerks who purposely use people) that the breaker upper is being “selfish” if he/she breaks up with someone.
In some cases the breaker upper is being selfless -
I know a number of cases where a person was getting decent sex, but the relationship was going nowhere for them. So they ended it because they knew their partner was looking for long term - and in the “respectable” fashion where they didn’t actually have a new sexual partner lined up. It wasn’t that they were miserable, just that they knew that this was not a relationship that would progress to whatever the next level was, and that was what the other person wanted. They could have kept using their partner for sex and “pretending” that eventually the whole thing was leading to marriage.
Background info: this guy has been asking me to have his babies. Because of the way the health policy in my workplace works, I can not get an anti-baby method other than condoms for the next several months (no, it wasn’t very female-friendly, why do you ask?)
A few days before the final conversation:
He: man, I wish I had as much money as Johnson.
Me: well, he wishes he didn’t have AIDS. You don’t, do you?
He: actually, I don’t know…
Since there was other people present and they hadn’t noticed, I let it slide and filed it to be brought back up ASAP. When I did, he refused to get tested. I knew I was clean (still negative now and happy to be).
Final conversation:
He: I don’t know why you don’t want to do it without a condom! The other girls don’t mind!
Me: The… sorry, what other girls?
He: Oh, you know… when you’re not available, I go dancing, pick me some ass.
Me: Thundercloud Look
He: Oh, c’mon, a guy has his needs!
Me: Let me see if I get this straight. ticking off fingers You want me to have your babies. Which implies sex with no condom. Yet you’re having sex with no condom with other people. And you have never been tested for HIV and you refuse to be tested for HIV. But you want me to stop using a condom right now. When I’m negative and not on the Pill and still in Grad school.
He: well, yeah! C’mon, it’s more fun!
Me: you know, Guy, I don’t think I want to go on a date with you ever again. Much less sleep with you, condom or not. Give me a minute and I’ll give you the books your mother loaned me.
He: Uhhhh… goes down on is knees will you marry me?
I can spell things out more (“you’re leaving me sore for three days every time because you can’t do it in any position except the missionary, yet you want me to put out every night? You’re never willing before 9pm, yet I have to be available at 2am? You want me to get pregnant while you go chase any hole that will stop long enough to be fucked, risking that me and the baby will get AIDS? You’re out of your fucking mind!”) but really, if he’d misunderstood so badly I don’t know how further spelling would have helped.
PS: I’d be willing to live with someone HIV+ if that happened to be his worst defect (or just one of them). But not with someone who’s not willing to take care of himself, me or the babies he’s asking me to make.
You’re right – this seems sufficiently detailed. What a jerk!
Maybe I should have yelled, though, instead of speaking in a reasonable, calm voice. People always seem to be surprised when I speak in a reasonable, calm voice as flaming buildings come down around us…
But it’s been ages and I’m still wondering how could he think that “will you marry me” was going to turn my whole world into a pink cloud. Amazing, isn’t it, what kinds of jerks happen to have the right pheromones?
How about, “It’s not you; it’s me. I don’t like being treated like garbage.”
I’m still not understanding this. If it’s a relationship that’s lasted for some time, obviously these issues have come up before. And if it’s at the point of one person leaving another, then those changes have not taken place. How long is the breaker upper required to sit around being unhappy and waiting for change before it’s okay to leave? Because it seems we’re venturing into co-dependency, here. I’m sorry, no, I will not give you the chance to hurt me again. You have issues with me, too? Good, we’re obviously better off apart.
Closure is important to everyone, obviously. But at some point, you stop being “a good person” and start being a door mat.