Its not you, its me, also translates to “you are a nice person - you should not change. However, you are not the nice person for me. There is no longer chemistry here - or I’ve discovered we have different values or different goals out of life - perhaps mine have changed, perhaps I’ve gotten a better look at yours.”
Frankly, if I were to tell a guy “we have different goals - you want to be a musician and I want stablity, a middle class life, a family, and a husband who comes home from work every day. I started dating you not certain that you took the music thing seriously, but after several months I can see that this is your dream and not something you are playing around with.” And you said “oh, I’ll give up my dream for you” - I’d run. Fairy boy tricked me with that one early in our dating when I tried to break it off.
I’ll say what I said before - really, the root cause of any breakup is “I don’t want to be with you anymore.” Maybe that is because I found someone I like better. Maybe its because I’m sick of not eating Mexican food. Maybe its because you hit me and I finally got sick of it. Maybe its because I think infatuation=love and when the bloom comes off I don’t have staying power.
I’ve been “dumped” twice in my life. Once by Mr. Pixiedust (who didn’t like Mexican Food) - and involved a divorce - I was actually married to wingman, once by my first ‘real’ boyfriend when I was 18 - he had the opportunity to start sleeping with his old girlfriend again - who had bigger tits. (She and I are now good friends and have the same measurements). He dumped her several months later for the opportunity for someone else - I think he just liked variety at that age (how many 18 year old men don’t?).
I’ve dumped several guys. Usually with some variation of “I’m not interested in you any longer” or “this isn’t working for me.” Although once every rational I tried wasn’t good enough and it ended up being “get the fuck out of my life or I’ll get a restraining order.” After that experience, I don’t think I’d give anyone a reason anymore. To the recipient they all sound empty and not good enough. But, fortunately, I married the next guy I dated and I’m hoping neither of us (after eleven years and two kids) are going to say “its not you, its me.”
I’ll take a half-carton of what you’re selling, Dangerosa.
There are really no reasons. That’s why I have “reasons” in quotes in the OP. It’s all “I don’t feel like it anymore, so I’m getting out. Now. Buh-bye.” Usually, if there are reasons, they don’t reflect well on the breaker-upper: “I’m shallow.” “I liked viewing your tits for a while, but now they bore me.” “I found someone better than you.” “I said I loved you, but I was lying–really I just wanted to get laid a few times.”
These are difficult concepts to articulate, because they make you sound terrible, mainly because the person who thinks such things is pretty terrible. So we come up with crap to package these (and other) concepts in a more palatable way. But it’s still crap.
“Well, I’m going to need a real wife one day. One that will stay home and cook meals and take care of the kids. And you’re not going to be like that at all.”
Actually, a fair reason, in my opinion. He figured we weren’t going to want the same life. The funny part is … wait for it …
I’m actually currently a stay at home wife. And quite content. I think about that every once in a while and laugh. I’m glad I’m not HIS stay at home wife, though.
But I’m not blaming the person that is doing the breaking up.
When Mr. She Has Bigger Tits Than You dumped me we spent hours (hey, give me a break I was 18) talking it through. On my insistance. I NEEDED to understand what I did. Why I wasn’t good enough. What was wrong with me. How I could change. (In those hours there was a lot more than the breast thing). He’d have been happy with “buh-bye.” And, the truth of the matter was, I was eighteen, he was seventeen - this was not “the relationship for our lives” and he was ready to move on after enjoying my company - had it been a few more months - I’d have been dumping him - he was not exactly life partner material for me, either. (I still see him socially - he was at my house a few weeks ago).
When I’ve broken up with people - they look for the same thing. Mr Restraining Order spent so much time looking for an answer that he came close to getting classed as a stalker.
If the dumpee were willing to accept “I’m moving on - I enjoyed our time together and wish you the best” I think most dumpers would be WAY HAPPIER to break up in that manner. The two hour empty excuse conversations aren’t pleasant for them.
One of Brianiac4’s girlfriends dumped him because he really didn’t have any income potential. She wanted a certain lifestyle and she didn’t think he’d hold up his end (to be fair, she wasn’t expecting him to PROVIDE the lifestyle, just hold up his end). She married a musician, he’s a Sr. Manager at a Fortune 100 with stock options.
“When I told you I needed to concentrate on a legal thing with my ex about my son for a couple of weeks, you didn’t get mad enough.”
Translation:
“I wanted to break up with you so I can date this other woman I’ve wanted for awhile, and planned to use your selfishness as the excuse. Unfortunately, it turns out you were understanding about my son and not angry and selfish, so I’ll just say it hurt that you didn’t get mad at me.”
I’ve been dumped more than once – I’m not going to lay out what was said for pseud’s translation, since I’m pretty clear where the truth was between what was said and what was meant, and I see no reason to revisit my heartbreak for y’all’s amusement.
I can only think of one time when I dumped someone that it was truly painful for him – and damn me, I’m pretty sure what I said was some combination of “It’s not you, it’s me” and “I care about you, but I’m not in love with you” (both of which were quite true), with the subtext being “This just isn’t working for me” (also true), and the totally unstated (because unnecessarily cruel) bottom line that he was lousy in bed. (I’d been with him three years, we’d “worked” on the sex thing, he was truly just a lousy lay in ways that my explaining it to him wasn’t going to solve.)
Nine times out of ten, though, it’s been “this just isn’t working” – and whichever person brought it up, the other pretty much said “yeah, you’re right.”
Too mature? Or not mature enough, since I don’t want to get into some scab-picking mutual analysis about my less than delightful behavior traits, none of which I’m going to change?
No, I’m the one blaming the person doing the breaking up. Mr. Her-Tits-Are-Bigger-Than-Yours was spinning stuff for hours on end, but that obviously was deflective. His reason was quite clear—shallow but clear. You would have been better served, in my view, to hear this
“Look, obviously, there’s very little you can do about how big your boobies are, so this is totally not your fault, and if I were more mature, I’d understand this better, but I’m not close to being mature. I just want a new pair of boobies, specifically hers. I hear you and all, I understand perfectly well that this is causing you considerable pain, but I also hear my gonads calling ‘Let’s Go For the Bigger Tits,’ so that’s what I’m going to do. If I gave you the impression that I was more thoughtful or mature than that suggests, well, WOW was I wrong to be suggesting that. Maybe someday I’ll be able to outvote my hormones, but definitely not today. I know I said I liked many, many things about you, but I was basically lying. I just liked two things about you, and hers are bigger.”.
I usually tell this story clarifying fairy in an aside - the type with wings and bells on their shoes - not the type that listens to a lot of showtunes. The whole “I’ve decided I’m gay” thing would have at least been understandable - but wouldn’t have made nearly as good a story.
So years later, he had married the other fairy and my girlfriends and I were all sitting around when one of them mentioned they were expecting. There was an awkward moment while people realized this might be sensative for me - then on of my girlfriends said “those wings are going to be a bitch to pass.”
This was the same guy who went on a family vacation while we were still married - before I knew about the fairy princess. I didn’t go 'cause it was going to be his Mom and Dad and Sister. They did, I heard later, take fairy girl with them. Yes, my in laws took my husband’s mistress on vacation with them while he was still married (and I assumed happily married) to me.
This is where I’ll fault you, Twix. If he doesn’t want to know why, then sure you don’t tell him. But if he persists in asking you to explain your reasoning, I think, difficult and painful as it is, you need to find a tactful way of saying “I don’t like the way you fuck, and I’m convinced that your learning curve, if there is one, is too slow for me.” If he persists in being told WHAT specifically does he do in bed that you think sucks (or doesn’t suck enough, as it were) then I think you need to tell him, as best you can, what doesn’t work for you. Not that he’s a bad person because he has a two-inch dick, or that you hate his soul because he’s quicker on the trigger than the Sundance Kid, but simply what it is that leaves you unsatisfied, stressing if you need to, that you’re now unwilling to keep trying.
You’re probably doing him a favor in the long run, though it doesn’t feel good for either of you at that moment, and you’re not inventing untrue crap to grease your way out of a relationship.
He did like more than two things about me - I have very pretty eyes as well.
Although that break up put a huge dent in our ability to have a close friendship, he was one of the guys who spent time with me when fairy boy left (as ridiculous as that story is, it did hurt), he came to my weddings, has helped us with odd jobs, shows up at my parties, and all in all, has done nothing in 22 years (!) since we broke up that indicates he doesn’t like me - just didn’t like me in the sort of “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” sort of way. Now, had we not stayed in the same circle of friends, we probably wouldn’t have bothered to stay in touch (my brother in law is his roommate currently) - we don’t have that much in common other than a one time mutual lust that stopped being mutual (and hasn’t existed for either of us for a very long time) and the same friends. But he doesn’t avoid me, nor do I avoid him.
If none of the conversations we’d had about the matter when it might have done me some good had made a dent (so to speak), my impugning his manhood on my way out wasn’t going to change anything.
The problem is (for experience with Mr. Restraining Order and others) is that all this does is bring out promises of “I’ll change!!!” Now you have some guy, heartbroken and promising he’ll do anything to stick around. When you are breaking up with someone, you aren’t giving the the option to change - you are breaking up with them.
Or you break up with them and six months a year (my mother has gotten phone calls in the past ten years for me - if the math isn’t working for you from above - I’m forty, and Brainiac4 and I have been together thirteen years) with “I changed, I fixed what you told me I had to fix, will you date me now!” I really don’t need Jay Gatsby in my life.
Well, I was presuming that this was in the context of his asking you to explain what you were thinking. If you want to say, “What’s the use of explanations? We’re done” that’s one thing, but giving the actual reasons is another. Maybe eventually, with the right tone from you, he might be saying to other potential gfs at this point, “Listen, before we get started, you should know that I average about two erections per decade and that if you want to wait around for one of them, that’s fine, but it could be a long, long wait…” I’d think they’d both be better off than they are now.
Nope, this wasn’t that guy, he was another guy – who was hung like a horse but was totally disconnected from his sensuality … and, nah, I’m not going to go into more detail than that.
