Not really like me to post in one of these but I need some advise. A little back story, I am 29, have a four year old son, and am widowed. My wife past away a little over two years ago. I got involved with a girl way too soon after my wife passed away and it was pretty awful. Won’t go into too many details but she saw my weakness and fed on it and used it against me. Well I finally got to a point where I had to get it, and it took a lot for me to get her out of my life, even thought I was done and wanted her out she refused. Sounds stupid I know, but I am a cop and she called my work all the time trying to get me in trouble, it was just bad. Well I finally got her out, and started seeing this girl who had two kids. She was really cool, but in the beginning I was very hesitant and cautious, she constantly wanted to be with me or come over, and yeah I liked her alot, but was like whoa give me a day or two to myself you know. But as time went on I began to fall for her more and more. We introduced our kids to each other. They fell in love with each other, would go out and do family stuff together, take the kids to the zoo the beach whatever. They would come stay over several times a week. And for the first time in several years, I have been sooooo happy. You see the last couple years of my wife’s life were hell, not anything she did, she was just very sick, constantly in the hospital, I would go from the hospital to work, to pick up my son from whoever was watching him while I was working, and the next day do it all over again. So it was a very dark time for my family. So I hadn’t felt happiness or joy like this in a very long time. Well things continued to go great, and it got to a point, she asked to be my girlfriend. And I told her I would love that. Well things continued on to go great, well she recently started a new job, and works alot, so naturally I would see her less, but less turned to hardly ever, and then the way she used to text me changed as well, and talking on the phone became alot less also. Well it got to a point, this would of been a week in a half ago, she called me on a Monday and asked if her and the girls could come stay the night on Tuesday. I said yeah of course, well Tuesday came and she came up with some excuse, so I asked, are you still my girlfriend or what is going on? She told me that she likes me and Hayden alot, she is just a little afraid of commitments right now, though she was ok but felt her heart still needed to heal from Dave, her last relationship. He kinda screwed her over pretty bad. Well I poured my heart out to her, told her I loved her, and alot of other stuff. Told her I would give her her space…well an hour or two after that she text me that she misses me and she is sorry she is being weird. Well I sent a little bit of a harsh text but truthful. "I understand ur scared and I miss you too but I have been through alot and I’m not looking to play games or be with someone who doesn’t know what they want. I deserve to be happy too and it seems to me you need to spend some time figuring out what you want. If you figure out what it is you want you know where I’ll be but I am not going to play games anymore…anyway I did not get a response till the next morning. She said sorry she fell asleep. Well she didn’t directly respond so I kinda ignored her, not ignored but didn’t initiciate anything, didn’t respond to her text or phone calls. And was blowing my phone up. Well the next day I text her, and she basically turned it around on me, and said she is scared because of my wife. She likes me alot however feels I am still healing and told me she is patient. I took this as a cop out being just two nights prior she said it was her. So I again poured my heart out, and explained more about my wife and that time, that I hadn’t told anyone and really laid everything out there. Well the next week has been nothing but games in text messages in my mind. When I start to not text or respond she seems to text or call like crazy. Earlier in the week she sent me a picture of her eating tacos naked, lol. Thursday I asked if I could see her, and she told me yes to come over, so I went to her house. And it was great, she hugged me right away and said sorry she is being weird. Her girls laid on me watching a movie and said they missed me, absolutely melted my heart. I over heard a conversation she had with her dad on the phone and he was on her case because it seems she is doing the same thing to him. And she’s like sorry dad you know I get weird sometimes and just isolate myself. Well we cuddled in bed for a couple hours before I went home. Was nice. Had told her that she should come stay here the next couple nights cause she would be closer to work, and she said okay she would let me know. Well last night she called and was like hey I was going to come but I am so tired and have to go home and get my stuff ready and I will be too tired to drive. But she would call me when she got home. And I never heard from her. My son constantly asks for her and her daughters, I miss them like crazy, I haven’t been eating feel sick. I don’t want to lose her. Her Facebook status still says in a relationship so I think that’s good lol. I need some advice, am I losing her? What’s going in? How do I save us? Is there anything I can do? Thank you and sorry for the extremely long post.
Two years widowed?
Focus on time healing you and your son. Don’t need anymore damaged people in your life just now and with potentially three kids, they don’t need to be in an unsure or unstable environment.
And please use paragraphs. That was really painful to read.
#1: Paragraphs. Use them.
#1.5: I know, you’re posting this from your phone. Don’t do that.
#2: Sooo, it’s been what, a day? A day and a half? Don’t be clingy and needy, man, nobody likes that. She said she needs time, you should give it to her.
Right now, what I would do is wait until tomorrow and call/text/email her and just say/write something like “Hey I never heard back from you Friday, just want to make sure you’re okay.” and then leave it alone. She’ll get back to you when she gets back to you. Don’t get pushy.
I have paragraphed the OP for future readers (if the moderators don’t mind):
Do you really need somebody who “gets weird like that sometimes?” Do your kids?
I agree.
You are probably coming across as needy and don’t realize it (or maybe you do). It doesn’t make for a good relationship with women. Hard to say from your description how crazy she is. It sounds to me like she has some issues - as do you, but so do lots of people.
You’ve already seen proof that backing off works with her. Do more of the same and try and control your feelings some. It isn’t easy - but you can do it.
People move at different speeds and have different needs. Just cause she doesn’t seem as willing as you right now doesn’t mean she won’t in the future. Give it time and give her space.
posted from your phone?? that is some impressive shit!!!
Almost lost an eye trying to read that.
You are responsible for what you might bring to your son. Two years after his mom dies he is facing another potential loss after dealing with the loss of the transitional relationship you entered after your wife died. That is shitload for the youngster to deal with yeah?? Only a suggestion…provide first for your son creating for him a safe and secure environment. Something he can trust and rely on and turn to. His constant wondering and asking about your girlfriend’s daughters and when will he see them is not something he should be dealing with yet. Dad protect your son and teach him how to deal with loss and separation first.
Every experience I’ve ever had like this is telling me it’s over.
Golden rule of thumb: If you’re putting more into it than you’re getting out of it, it’s not worth it.
Two weeks of head games for one night of cuddling sounds like you’re not getting much of a return.
Your son doesn’t need this. Your son doesn’t deserve this. He deserves better. He deserves stabiliity and people he can count on. Not this.
Agreed. If you weren’t sure about the status of the relationship it’s probably not a good idea for your kids to hang out together or get attached to one another. Kids need stability.
Not to be mean, but if I hadn’t read you age as 29, I would have guessed more like 18 or 19.
I don’t think you are mature enough for what you are getting yourself into. That goes for both of you.
How long have you been seeing this lady?
Stable people don’t behave like this. The your healing excuse is abject nonsense. The sex with unstable women can be good (very good in fact) but the energy lost in dealing with the flakiness is soul destroying over the long run.
You need to pull the plug on this before you waste more time with it. There are stable women out there, she not one of them. Any more time you spend with her is time down the rat hole.