Maybe I’m evil, but I’m giggling insanely picturing a poor little bat, panicked and worried for its life, trying to escape quickly… by running. Mental picture = awesome.
That said, I agree with the rest… this situation has bad written all over it.
Reading the BPD description, I suddenly had a name for how my boyfriend acts.
I’m in the exact same position you are, dude, albeit with the genders reversed and a full year into the relationship. And I’m telling you, IT DOESN’T GET ANY BETTER. The same crazy, manipulative shit my boyfriend pulled a year ago, when I could’ve safely gotten out without too much fallout, is the same shit he’s pulling now, and I wish like hell I could go back in time and end it when I had the opportunity.
I know what you mean about it being hard. Like you, I realize that I’m doing the cowardly thing and just dragging it out, but I honestly don’t know how to end the relationship without him flipping out and saying or doing something crazy.
I feel so bad about lying to him, and about wasting my time and his time when I know we’d have a rotten life together, but I don’t know what else to do.
This thread has been educational, guys - thanks for everyone’s replies.
Perhaps I was a bit harsh. You’re probably getting the fallout from years of people asking for advice and then arguing with everyone giving them advice or just flat out ignoring it (and, my personal favourite, continuing to post and complain about the situation or ask for more advice to ignore). It’s your life to live as you choose, of course, and you know the situation far better than we do.
Hopefully you won’t get dragged along with the “I need time to find a new place” excuse for not moving out. That happened to me once and it went on for almost 2 months until I finally had to pack his stuff up, put it outside and change the locks while he was at work. He found a new place that day. Your plan to end it needs to include how to get her out as quickly as you can. If you think this is bad, imagine breaking up with her and then spending another month or two living in a house with someone that’s crying and begging incessantly for you to change your mind.
My guess is you don’t do much fishing–you have to keep paying out line to make the fish think it’s getting away and swim faster, thereby tiring it out so you can bring it in and gaff it good. Don’t wait for anything, just get her the hell out.
Just. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Don’t have a big “discussion,” don’t let him get wound up, just pack your shit and GTFO. Go stay with your parents or a friend or whatever, leave a letter telling him “it ain’t working, I’m done, there is no discussion to be had, don’t contact me” and if he bugs you get a restraining order. I know women who ended up in the hospital because they were “too nice” to just cut and run and felt they “owed it to him” to give him the opportunity for drama–and it turned very ugly, very fast.
At this point, all you should care about is that he doesn’t flip out and do something crazy TO YOU. He can do anything he wants to himself–if you’re feeling really guilty go ahead and make the mental hold call and get him a little vacation in a quiet place where he cant’ harm himself. It has the added benefit of teaching the overly dramatic that there are mechanisms in place to control their behavior that they don’t have any say in, and people who just don’t give a shit about their craziness, except insofar as controlling it.
I’m serious as a heart attack, girl, don’t fuck about with this, just go.
I hope we’ve hashed out the reasons why this situation is unacceptable and dangerous for the OP. Maybe we could provide him with suggestions of the best way to handle things or things to watch out for?
I think it would be good to stash any valuables you have lying around, as well as personal information like bank account numbers, credit cards, and so on.
I think it would be good to change the locks before dropping the bomb. Her stuff should be outside and this conversation can take place, safely, over the phone or in a very public place. Don’t expect that she’ll cooperate and go quietly.
IANAL and IIRC you mentioned pounds in the OP, so you’re in England where the laws are different anyway. It wouldn’t hurt to talk to the police or someone over there who can tell you your rights, her rights, etc.
Sorry, I like to pre-disaster these things as much as possible. I predict she will demand “her” refrigerator back and possibly the food in it; the cat will be “yours.” I’d also think about what kind of grief she could cause you. E.g. what if she shows up at your work and throws a flaming hissy fit? What if she melts down in front of your neighbors? If you’re renting, what if she goes to your landlord—did you break any rules/laws by allowing another person to live there?
I’d be as decent as I could be, but firm above all else. Say you’d like to continue the relationship but not living together—she probably won’t bite on that, but it’s worth a try, I think. You were glad to provide her a place to stay but soon she’ll be starting work and can start off in her own place. Offer to buy the refrigerator from her so she’ll have some cash (if you can).
Is there anybody who has her ear? A friend, family, someone? If so, enlist that person’s help; she’ll be so pissed she probably won’t listen to you, but a third party may be able to help.
I’m an American so legal things like this may make me way paranoid, but I wouldn’t be alone with her…a witness is a marvelous thing to have on your side.
Put your guilt to some use. Maybe you can call around and find an inexpensive place for her to stay so she won’t have that to deal with right away.
I totally concur with lobotomyboy. This is all very good advice, being that you don’t wanna wind up like the Michael Douglas character in the film Fatal Attraction;)
Note to lobotomyboy: “Pissed” in England means “drunk”.
Don’t mind me, I’m anal (not retentive - explosive! :))
Quasi
I went through that one too - it was hell. Worse, because she was unemployed and refused to get a job, so I didn’t have the opportunity to pack up her stuff when she wasn’t there. I owned the house, so I couldn’t move out. My father suggested moving outmyself and having all the utilities shut off. I did change the locks when she finally left after 3 months of utter hell.
You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
Oh. My. God.
There is a definite pattern of manipulation here. Trust me, as someone who used to be that girl with that pattern of manipulative behaviour, you have to get out. The biggest worry is that you have a cat together!!! Before I went into therapy, there I was the girl in a relationship almost like this one (minus the baby drama). I convinced him to adopt a few cats together, pretended we were going to have this awesome wonderful life, threatened to kill myself when he suggested that we stop seeing each other. I didn’t even want the cats after a while but used them to tie us together. I didn’t even really take care of them or bond with them like a good owner should. When he finally got the guts to end it, I pleaded and whined about how much I was going to miss the cats and convinced him to let me keep the key to his place so I could visit whenever I wanted. It wouldn’t be fair to the cats if I abandoned them, I said. You can imagine how imposing I was on him and his capability to move on, no? It’s only fortunate for him that one day I did realise that I couldn’t go on being a shell of a person that I was and sought some help. I can’t say that the same happens to everyone who grew up in environments of manipulation and emotional blackmail.
For the love of god, get your act together, stop being a “nice guy” and boot her manipulative ass out!!!
[quote=“lobotomyboy63, post:106, topic:473106”]
snip the cat will be “yours.”
QUOTE]
So true - it will give her an excuse to keep “caring” about it and playing further games. Please please get her out. You truly seem like a nice bloke, and even if you were not, this is not a good situation. Don’t drag it out - just do it - now, before Christmas, and every other reason.
A friend of mine married La Crazy. They had one kid. He didn’t want any more - at least not for a while. Next thing oops the pill didn’t work. Now he’s got twins too. Three kids under the age of three. Crazy drinks and drugs. In the past year we’ve had her crash drunkenly into the back of a gas truck, she’s spent a week in hospital following a suicide attempt. She’s run two credit cards up to SIX THOUSAND quid. She’s had an invervention done and managed one week in a rehab. A couple of months ago my friend had her committed to the mental hospital. She was picked up and dropped home after this, then her first action was to stop and buy six bottles of wine on the way to pick up the oldest kid - that kid is two and a half. Two days after release she was getting him to sign divorce papers. Hurrah! My friend is a quivering shell of his former self. He’s lost his self esteem, his business is heavily in debt, he can’t concentrate. It’s pretty frightening to see a grown man cry as he does. Heart wrenching sobs. She plays head games with the kids. I can’t bear to describe to you how the kids are suffering. He’s a great dad and the kind of man who loves to give flowers and buy small gifts. She constantly tells him he’s worthless. She’ll give him a blow job if she wants something.
If only for the sake of the potential unborn child - please get out of this. Listen to your brother the doctor. Everyone has a down time in their lives where they think they’ll settle for something - later much better things happen.
Hey Grapefruit - you posted while I was composing my post. You’ve well emphasized the cat thing. It’s a huge red flag.
I’m so pleased you were able to recognise your problems and seek help.
zhfl, when I read that you’d stopped have sex, my first thought was, ‘Well, that’s not going to get her a baby’. Maybe one of her friend’s pointed that out to her.
She doesn’t sound crazy or abused or desperate for love to me; she sounds like a conniving little scam artist who is too stupid to wait for the right moment.
You, OTOH, are smart (this is the Lake Woebegone of message boards). You have to get rid of her, and protect your ass and your assets. You cannot break up gently and respectfully.
During the Christmas season, when she is waxing lyrical about your children playing under the Christmas tree in years to come, be bored and cruel. Tell her you don’t want kids. Or, even better, confess you are infertile. When you get that feeling to succor and protect, do the exact opposite of what your heart tells you.
Basically, encourage her to hysterically threaten suicide; give her a few drinks to calm her down. Then call 999* and have her committed involuntarily. Mention in private to the police that she’s threatened suicide before, but this is the first time she’s threatened to kill you, too. Apply for a Restraining Order that night.
If I am wrong, she will hate you; if I am right, she will respect you. Either way, she’ll be gone.
More advice?
Clear your internet history immediately after reading this post.
Have the house checked for monitoring devices before you con her.
Change all your passwords, to everything.
Do not discuss her on the phone or on your cell phone.
Put an inconspicuous mark on your cell so she can not switch it with another.
Spend all your savings immediately. (Ideally on new locks and window grates while she’s locked up.)
Cancel all your current credit cards.
Prohibit any automatic or online transfers from your bank account.
Put everything you cherish in safe storage; hell, put your house in a family trust.
Tell every friend and your family that you are afraid of her.
Consult an attorney that specializes in divorce for more advice; if s/he thinks my advice is excessive, find another one.
I once worked with a divorce attorney; people really do horrible things, and the courts aren’t very good at sorting it all out.
Do not trust in being right.
Do not be a nice person; nice people just enable people like her.
Do not believe she is motivated by love for you, or even the desire for a baby. She’s pulling a con, and rather ineptly at that.
Do not worry about her.
Do not worry about her reputation.
Do not have potentially procreative sex with her again. (If you get the urge, check the condom with water first; a dress-makers pin can make an imperceptible hole.)
Do not be embarrassed that you fell for her. Con artists are usually persuasive and charming people; if they aren’t, they have to get jobs.
That’s actually probably a pretty good idea. If she gets her period before you end it, you’ll know it’s less likely to be true if she tries to pull that “But I’m pregnant with your baby!” crap on you. Note: less likely, not impossible (you can still get your period when you’re pregnant, particularly in the first month - and sometimes women get implantation bleeding which can be mistaken for a light period).
It hardly needs to be said but just in case… DO NOT have sex with her again!
Any updates?
I was only renting but I couldn’t leave either because I had a 6 month lease and I wasn’t going to leave him there and get stuck with the bills for whatever damage he might do. I finally go so frustrated that I got a few big male friends to take turns staying with me until he had been gone for a week. He freaked out when he saw his stuff out there so I was scared to be there alone. The only funny part was one day when I picked up the phone after about the 20th call in 2 hours and just started screaming at him to leave me alone. Unfortunately it was my landlord on the phone that time. Luckily she had a sense of humor and some sympathy for the situation.