Even if you understand nothing else, understand this - there is no simple, easy or painless way to end it, just as there is no “right” time. Do it now. Do it quickly, and make sure you’re very definite in what you say to her. It’s over, she has no claim on you now or in the future and she has no right to make you feel guilty for being the one to end things.
Leaving it any longer will not make things easier or less painful. You are dragging out the hurt and prolonging the inevitable. If you break up now, you are giving her a month to get herself sorted out for christmas plans. You’ll be giving her time to get over the break-up and time to start getting her life in order. Just as you will have time to work out what you’re going to do and how to avoid running into her.
There’s really no protection heavy enough to qualify this sex as “safe sex” other than the protection of being on different coasts. Think of each spermatozoa as being a separate notarized statement of your intent to marry her, or at least to be responsbile for any children she bears, because it is.
No, if you wait until after Christmas, then you’ll wait until after New Year’s because you have parties to go to…then, it wouldn’t be kind to break up before Valentine’s Day, why, that could send her over the edge. Then Easter…why, that’s a time for new beginnings, right? Then it would be cruel to break up before Mother’s Day, because she might go cry outside Mothercare again…so by Father’s Day…you may be one.
The longer you wait, the harder it will be for you to get out & the more painful it will be for her.
If you spend the next few months ACTING like you’re happy & want to be with her, she’s going to believe that you ARE happy with her. And what’s going to happen when you break up with her - to her, it’s going to seem sudden & without warning.
Gah! Why do people think that the “right time” is anytime but “right now.” I mean, its probably not a good idea to leave your terminally ill spouse of many years, but a girl you’ve been dating for a few months should take one hour as soon as possible. Every moment you do not set her free and intend to is a moment she could be off finding the next sucker/sperm donor/ perfect guy for her.
Trust me on this, from both ends. You do her no favors to try and find the right time or to try and minimize hurt. This is a great time where acting like a complete and total asshole actually can minimize hurt - in two weeks or two months she should (if she were a normal person) say 'that God I’m not with THAT asshole any longer!" Being a nice guy means two weeks or two months from now you are still “talking it over” - still having pity sex (where she will try and get pregnant), still making her think that because you say you care about her, it will all work out in her white picket fence and pram fantasies. She continues to hurt. You continue to hurt. You dig deeper. You invest more time in each other. It makes it more painful.
He can’t leave her right now because not only are they having sex but she also just painted his kitchen!
…
Dude, why do you think she had sex with you and painted your kitchen? Just dump her right now. She’s manipulative to the hilt.
I’ve been dumped around plenty of holidays and around my birthday. I figured most guys do their dumping then because it saves them a few dollars in gifts. I am not dead yet - she’ll be fine.
zhlf210, you never quite answered my question: Does she work? Is she helping you pay your mortgage and/or your bills? Are you giving her a free ride because she “needs some time to get back on her feet”?
Another question, and I don’t mean this with any disrespect whatsoever, but have you generally had difficulty with women in your life? It sounds to me that you’re compromising on a lot of serious issues because you’re afraid you might not find a girl like this again. Right now you’re working the nice guy angle, but that leaves you wide open to being a doormat and really will end up leaving you emotionally drained with little self-esteem intact.
Seriously, bud, cut the crap. You know the problems. Stop thinking that she’ll change, because she won’t. The problems won’t go away with time. And even if she sucks it up and goes to therapy, she’ll come out of it healthier and realizing that she used you and doesn’t need you anymore. Don’t sit there and accept her table scraps of sex and household favors. She is using them to keep you on a leash.
Take it from someone who’s been there many times. Please take a moment to read this thread I started not very long ago about a manipulative woman who I fell very, very hard for (some of the content was lost during the boardtest weekend, but not too much). It’s a lot easier to be objective in relationships when looking at it from the outside.
Sorry, you are right, I didn’t come back to you on those points. She’s been unemployed for the last three months since she graduated so I haven’t asked her for rent. Instead, she paid for all the groceries for the first month or so. But she hasn’t had any income or savings and was putting it all on credit. So we’ve been going halves lately. She has also bought me a refrigerator and er, a cat (by her own admittance, something to care of in lieu of a baby). She will be starting a job in December and she knows and has agreed to pay rent from there.
I don’t have problems really meeting women and dating them & stuff. I am keen though to settle down and meet the right girl, I’ve had enough of casual dead-end relationships. To be honest, when I first met this girl I thought she was really cool with long term potential, and we had a lot of shared values. This is probably why I supressed the red flags which are lining up to smack me now
I’ll go away and read your thread. Sounds like you’ve been through the mill a bit yourself!
Ahem. She may be hoping to gain squatters’ rights or something by virtue of living there. Or maybe she’ll get your bank account information etc. As bad as it is now, it’s only going to get worse. She’s going to feel more used, you’re going to feel more guilty about dropping her…you’ll have makeup sex and the cycle will continue.
Nah. Time to man up, I think—for both your good and hers.
That’s a bit harsh! I started the thread because I thought that the answer was to leave her but wanted to do a bit of a sanity check and see if everyone else thought the same, to see if there was some way out.
I’m not ignoring everyone’s advice, believe me. I’m having a failure of courage to implement the advice which is a different thing. (Although admittedly the practical result is the same.) I just need to man up. I am also desperate not to hurt her but it’s looking like that’s unavoidable.
I am going to wait for her period to start later this week (to avoid a pregnancy ‘scare’) and then end it. It feels incredibly cruel and uncaring to write those words but I think it’s for the best.
So you’re going to stay with her longer & have more sex with her, thus increasing the likelihood of her getting pregnant?
Do not wait. Seriously, you want to avoid hurting her, but the longer you wait, the more she gets hurt. She’s going to get hurt anyway, and she’ll probably be angry with you, but she’ll get over it eventually.
If you really didn’t want to hurt her, you’d stop stringing her along. What you don’t want is to be the bad guy. Too bad. No matter when you do it, you’re going to be the bad guy. Suck it up and get it done.
Run. The sooner, the faster, the better. It’s possible she is now using you to have the one thing she seems to really want - a baby. Then you’ll be hooked for the rest of your life, whether you want to be or not.
Listen to these fine folks. Do not wait. Do not pass Go, but take the $200 if you can find it.
Okay, here’s a huge cliche, but don’t let something like this get in the way of your long-term happiness. I know that things seem to have suddenly gotten better, but they’re going to get bad again - really, really bad. If she went off the deep end because you nicely told her you didn’t think now was the right time for a baby, she’s going to go off the deep end again, whether for this reason or another.
I’m glad you said that you’re getting out. But what the heck does her period have to do with it? Are you waiting to make sure you didn’t get her pregnant? Does she get really emotional or something? What’s the deal?
