Muslim: Same as above, but Mohammad is the last person to milk the cow. You are not allowed to have pictures of this event, or to drink fermented milk.
Catholic: The one true cow had a calf. Every sunday, you eat the calf and drink its blood.
Protestant: The one true cow had a calf. If you believe this, you will go to heaven; if not, you will go to hell.
Buddhism: the cow is just an illusion which will cause you pain. The way to salvation is to stop wanting a cow.
Taoism: you, the cow, and the grass it eats are all part of the same thing. If you eat the cow, you eat a part of yourself.
New Age: you own an extremely odd-looking cow, which has been created by sewing together cast-off parts of other people’s cows.
Disclaimer – I have attempted to insult everyone equally. If through inadvertance some have not been sufficiently insulted, I will try to rectify this error.
Dianic Wicca: the femaleness of the cow has been subjugated by the oppressive patriarchy. Only by worshiping the cow without men can womyn regain their power.
Unitarian-Universalism: It is the responsibility of each UUer to decide for themselves which cow to have, or to not have, or to try to obtain or to avoid. And there might not be any cow anyway. But if there is, it is ok to worship it, or milk it, or eat it. Unless it isn’t ok to do that. But we’re all in this together.
Atheist: You’re not sure if a cow exists, because nobody who is sure a cow exists has been able to make a halfway-decent case for it yet. You accept evidence as it comes in, but give no leeway to bullshit.
Agnostic: You believe we’ll never know if a cow exists or not.
Satanism: The cow everyone else worships is a blind idiot-cow, as the real cow would never dirty its hooves with the physical realm. The blind idiot-cow has been telling stories about the real cow.
Televangelist: If you send $100 to the address shown, you will ensure that I can keep buying time to tell people about our Cow.
Discordian: You try to make the cow laugh so hard milk comes out her nose. Fnord.
Church of the Subgenius: Cow is Bob, and it likes grass. Norms get the manure. And aliens, don’t forget the aliens. And Yetis, yeah, those are important too, man. And, um, slack. What was I talking about?
Diabolist Orthodox: There is no cow level. No really, we mean it. Really!
Diabolist Reformed: Ok, fine, there is a cow level, but we’re going to make you work for it.
And Corbomite, did you do that whole quote just for the “holy cow” payoff? If so, Cow bless you
