It wasn’t a room, it was the 7th slot in a cottage that “sleeps 8”. That means it was a trundle bed in someone else’s room or a pull-out couch in a common area.
The people grumbling are not the people who made the offer.
And, again, a lot depends on if this is a pattern. If the OP often ends up in situations where other people feel obligated to help him out, where they feel like their own good nature is often used against them, then this would grate a lot more. It’s a foreseeable circumstance that if you tell your family that you’re going to squat in a parking lot all night, they will feel they have** no choice** but to help you. So good manners would be to either keep it a dark secret, or go ahead and explain you can’t afford it and ask for a place to stay. Letting them figure it out on their own and then reaping the benefits of their predictable guilt seems like a way to get what you want without being willing to even give the other people the chance to feel good about it.
Agreed, I can’t think of anyone in my family, from a close relative to the most distant cousin, that wouldn’t have been appalled by the OP’s plan, and offered up a place to stay, even if it was on a couch somewhere…
Also, the OP seems to be lacking any kind of gratitude. In fact, he seems offended at the mere idea of it. As others have said, the gesture of buying coffee or donuts would have gone a long way. Or a thank you note, which he sneers at…
People love to feel generous. Someone does something like this for you, being a little obnoxious with your gratitude is fine IMO: thank them one more time than you think is strictly polite, use one more adverb in your thanks than you need to. Even if you see them as not objectively inconvenienced at all by their action, you’re not objectively inconvenienced by thanking them a bunch either.
I’m still genuinely curious about the actual logistics of the parking lot plan.
On top of the questions above, how were you planning on getting ready for the day’s event? I’m assuming that you were going to want to change your clothes, get cleaned up, brush your teeth, etc. Where were you planning on doing all that? Was the event casual enough that you had your next day’s clothes shoved into a backpack or did you have a piece of luggage that had to stay with the car?
It really does depend on the details. Are all of the other relatives comfortable and he is the only one in poverty? Or does he have money for other optional things which have a higher priority for him?
I’ve got an aunt who was constantly having Grandma buy necessities for her, while she and her husband went on vacations to Mexico. I also have friends who are going through a really tough period and are counting every penny. I would have no problem with giving a spare room to the latter while being pissed about the former.
One difference I notice between people like my aunt and those like my friends is a sense of entitlement. My aunt believes others should provide for her. The friends are quite apologetic and openly grateful when they receive help.
Maybe it’s just me, but if your generosity is later being means tested for worthiness, by the reciprocity of thank you’S, donuts, offers, cards, or kicking in a share of the cost, then I kinda think you’re doing it wrong.
If I offer you a room, I sincerely expect nothing in return. Take the room and know, you owe me nothing whatsoever. I will not judge you for any lack of reciprocity, in any form. I know it sucks to have no money, and I truly, TRULY, TRULY love helping out people. It makes MY world more warm and wonderful, each time, every time. Thank you for providing me an opportunity to live my values of compassion for a fellow human being.
I assure you, if I offer you help in any form it is most sincerely without strings attached. my compassion does not ever means test your worthiness. Not in the moment and not later.
Remember that the people complaining were not the ones that made the offer.
Also, imagine you have a relative who agrees to met you for lunch, but when you get there, explains they are just going to drink water because they can’t afford to eat. Of course you are going to buy them lunch, because how could any decent person let someone else watch them eat? But this isn’t a healthy interaction: rather than ask you, they put the the burden on you to do the offering, but do it in a way that you really don’t have in choice: it doesn’t leave you feeling generous and supportive, it leaves you feeling manipulated. The time to say “I’d love to eat with you but I can’t afford it” was before you sat down at the table, giving you the option to suggest a cheaper place to eat, or that they come over to your house and you’d cook, or just having coffee, or possibly to pay for the whole meal at the original location. Putting oneself in a terribly uncomfortable situation in plain view of people who are going to feel utterly obligated to help is manipulative.
Apparently he thought he would be able to get ready at the place the people he was riding with were staying, but he wouldn’t be able to sleep there, That, or there wasn’t any getting ready he thought he absolutely had to do.
Then I guess my shower question is how that arrangement went down. Did the OP discuss shower plans with the liftgivers, or was he planning on showing up and requesting the use of the facilities in the morning? Also, where were they staying? A hotel? A small house? How many people were there already and how many showers were available?
ETA: Since the OP doesn’t want to discuss exactly what the event was, there’s a certain amount of speculation here. But among the likely events that fit the details he’s given us, I’d say a long trip in a car + a full night loitering in a parking lot + no shower in the morning would likely be problematic.
That’s what I was wondering, as well. Because we know it’s no inconvenience at all to have someone show up to use your hotel room and bathroom to shit, shower, shave and change clothes, using the soap, shampoo, towels, etc. Why, you’d never even notice, I’m sure. Hey, it doesn’t cost them a dime, right?
The two main objections to the OP’s actions seem to be:
(1) If he couldn’t afford to spend the night with a roof over his head, he shouldn’t have gone.
(2) He shouldn’t have mentioned he didn’t have a place to stay, because then people were obligated to provide one.
I don’t really agree with either of these. First of all, if the OP wanted to attend his grandma’s funeral or whatever it was so badly that he was willing to stand out in the cold all night, why shouldn’t that be his decision? It might not be the safest decision, but he’s a grown person and it’s his choice to make.
As for (2), apparently the OP was explicitly asked where he was staying. I don’t think he was obligated to lie just so his family wouldn’t feel uncomfortable with his choices or his financial situation. If he were homeless and spent every night on the street, would he be obligated to lie to his family about that, too? I mean, god forbid anyone should ever feel uncomfortable, right?
Now, if the OP wasn’t serious about staying in the parking lot, and went into this situation figuring he could count on someone to offer something better as soon as he mentioned it, then yeah, he’s mooching. But the OP knows whether he’s telling the truth or not. The fact that his family might think this was all just his master plan to get a free room doesn’t mean they’re right. When the room was offered, it might have been wise to say, “Thanks, but I can’t afford to pay for it, and I really, really don’t mind just staying up all night…” but if they still insist on offering it, they shouldn’t be mad that he says “Yes”.
People who have little money often make choices that people who have more money would never consider. I don’t think they’re obligated to only make choices that people with more means would be comfortable with, and I don’t think they’re obligated to lie when directly asked about what choices they’re making or why they’re making them.
We don’t actually know much poorer OP is in general than relatives, any details of the relatives were ‘a secret’ in the anonymous story (always wonder about that) so there’s room for assumption and people making varying ones probably.
But there’s apparent stinginess on OP’s part not about money necessarily (which might indeed be chronically short, though even so we don’t know to that degree that’s a result of freely made decisions) but any gratitude. And the ‘OK I’ll sleep in the street’ schtick sounds passive-aggressive to many ears. I guess you’d really have to know the people involved to have a really strong opinion.
But I’d reiterate my opinion that if 6 people know they’ll be staying somewhere and pool resources and an 8 ‘bed’ place is the smallest that works, then if another person joins later it’s not ‘greedy’ to then split it 7 ways. Without knowing anything else about the people involved, the default would to be rejigger the split to 7 ways. The ‘already paid for’ concept is faulty logic in general. The fact that No.7 is broke and 1-6 far from broke (as most have assumed) is a different issue.
A different issue which could change the answer but back to the second paragraph. IMO traditional social etiquette that has put it on a seeker of free or below cost lodging, even with extended family, to chip in a little if possible, or at least be effusive with thanks if they really have nothing materially to offer, is traditional for a good reason. It might come down in part to people who are reflexively anti-traditional or not.
I wonder if the numbers give us a hint as to what might have been happening. The impact of splitting a cost 7 ways instead of 6 is probably not all that much. For example, suppose the cottage (or whatever it was) cost $300/night. Split 6 ways, that’s $50 per person. Split 7 ways, it’s about $43 per person.
So if people were grumbling, likely it was due to one of two reasons:
They are on a tight enough budget themselves that $7 (or whatever the amount actually was) makes a difference to them. In that case I could see them feeling resentful because it was also hard for THEM to afford the last-minute cost, so why should Mr Shine be the only one not paying when it was hard for everyone?
The $7 (or whatever the amount actually was) isn’t that important to the others. It’s the principle of the thing. Something about Mr Shine’s behavior annoyed them.
In either case, we might reasonably speculate that Mr Shine deserved to get grumbled at. I’m with the crowd who thinks that buying donuts, cooking breakfast, or some other tangible form of showing gratitude might have gone a long way toward mollifying those who were unhappy with the arrangements.
Because it uses things without paying for them. It’s not a huge deal, but it’s just something that I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with.
Inviting someone is fine, I’d have no problem inviting someone and I wouldn’t expect payment if I invited them either. But each party to the arrangement needs to evaluate the transaction from their own perspective. If I was the one offering, I would make clear the payment situation. Like, “want to stay with us? The cost is covered so it’s free to you or Don’t worry about covering a share, we got it covered”. Clear communication eliminates any issues. From the perspective of the OP “sure I’d love to stay with you but I can’t pay, is that cool?” Easy peasy. Assuming the other side is fine with the OP staying for free is taking advantage because it is relying on that assumption.
The OP stated that he was able to find single person accommodations for less than his share of the cost of the cottage rental would be so they probably can float the difference. However, I think the OP has made it clear that when they started this thread, they weren’t looking for opinions or advice, but external validation of their choices.
If you are going to tell people that you’re going to sleep on the street, most people are going to offer/try to find you a place to stay.
You are not required to accept. (I must have missed where they hogtied the OP and forced him into the cabin). But if you do, then the social convention is that you express some gratitude. A token payment, donuts, etc. You don’t get out of that because “they offered.”
OP, what were you willing to pay not to spend the night in the parking lot? $20? You could have gone into the night saying, “I can’t chip in the full amount, but I can give you $X. Is that okay?”
Based on what he said earlier, I’m pretty sure the answer is “not very much.”
I’m curious to know more about the “grumblings” the OP heard. Their content might shed more light on the OP’s offense. Is it possible he misinterpreted them, and the grumbles were about something else?