This was your first post in this thread. Nothing about children here. It was all about women picking the wrong men and fucking up the world.
The messed up thing is that you are suggesting the OP is a “bad mate” because he isn’t ready to get married to his GF right now. And because she wants to get married to this “bad mate”, she obviously is rushing the relationship. Can you see how this is circular?
Men initiate relationships more than women do. So as crazy as it may seem, this means men are the ones picking mates and the mothers of their children. Just because men may be more motivated to get sex than lifelong committment doesn’t change this basic arithmetic.
I don’t need instruction on how women are impacted by pregnancy. The original post I replied to didn’t say anything about pregnancy, only that women making bad choices. “Your inability to pick a good mate is the reason why this world is so fucked up.”
I’m always amazed that people propose/want to be proposed to without first discussing marriage. For me, this blows my mind.
I always assumed that people talked about it in the sense of “hey, i want to marry you” “hey me too!” “cool, we’ll get engaged in the future, probably in ___ time frame”.
I’m still confused how an OP about engagement (or non engagement) woes ended up with a discussion of pregnancy. That is a hell of extrapolation, since for all we know, the OP and his girlfriend may as well really hate kids and eat them boiled with some onions and french fries.
You really need to just talk to her. A lot of this really depends on your ages. I’m 32 and want children. I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for nearly a year and we’ve been living together for 7 months. Given my age and the fact that I want children, I’m looking for marriage in the very near future. Fortunately, my boyfriend wants the same things and we’re very much on the same page with respect to marriage. Even with this communication, I feel a lot of anxiety about the fact that he’s the one who gets to decide when to get the ball rolling on our future. I can’t imagine how your girlfriend must feel without any sort of communication about the subject from you, especially if she’s on the outer end of her child-bearing years.
Given that women get a lot of pressure to keep our traps shut and wait patiently for our partners to propose, she might be purposefully not broaching the subject with you because she doesn’t want to pressure you or be considered a “nag.” You owe it to her to communicate what you’re thinking about the situation, especially if you know she wants to get married while you’re not ready.
This was a really nice thread at first. Interesting problem; not quite as over-done as some relationship topics that come along. Really excellent well written advice. A few funny posts. Then BAM! Bat shit insane misogyny with a totally out-of-the-blue pregnancy thrown in just to ruin everything. Why would you need walls to keep a gondola out? It’s a little flat bottomed row boat. We don’t need walls, we need locks. Or a waterfall.
Hey there, read the OP! He said he was “planning on taking my girl on a romantic gondola ride.” Do you see any mention of a hovercraft? No? THEN WHY ARE YOU BRINGING UP EELS?! This is just like that last time you [insert barely related act here] …
See what I did there? I illustrated another possible tack, the classic “pick a fight right before the event you want to avoid.” It must be effective or else so many people wouldn’t use it.
Don’t until you’re ready, and until you’re sure she’s ready.
However, it’s not a bad idea to maybe pop the idea that you want you both to seriously think about it.
My advice comes from the Scylla and Charbydis situations I have been in, both in wondering what’s taking him so long and figuring he’s not interested in firming up the future, and the more recent debacle of having him propose and my having to say I can’t say yes. So now the ring is a promise ring instead of an engagement ring. We are promising to work on things, basically.
So, yah. Find the right amount of seriousness, let her know you’re serious, but don’t push yourself if you’re not ready.
Thanks for all the great advice and (why not) thanks for the bad advice too
Fwiw. We are both around 40 and not Interested in kids. We both have been married before and while I have Ben apart from my ex for over two years I just became leagally divorced a few weeks ago.
I haven’t mentioned the trip yet and it sounds like I need to talk to her before I do. Not great timing, I have a surprise bday party setup in two days and if we are fighting it could really f that up
It doesn’t have to be a fight. Handled skillfully, it can a relief for both of you. Let her lead the way. Ask her what she is thinking about for the future and what her timeline is. Presumably you can find some kind of shared ground and work from there. Both of you will breath easier when you know what is up instead of relying on hints and guesses.
Ah, the suddenly-crazy-for-no-reason thread. Classic.
First, don’t approach it as though it’s going to be a fight. Don’t start out with, “You’re going to hate me for saying this, but…” Approach it as what you hope it will be: a conversation that affirms your love for her and helps clarify your future plans together. It may still become a fight, but it doesn’t have to.
Second, if you’ve both been married before, you have very good reason to take things more slowly this time. And conveniently, that can serve as the conversation opener. "We both know all too well how two people can love each other and go into marriage with the best of intentions and still wind up apart. I love you, and I don’t want that to happen to us. So I (insert appropriate phrase here):
want us to start planning our future together, but slowly and carefully, so we’ll have the best shot at making it work.
want to let our relationship continue develop naturally, without either of us feeling pushed or pressured to “move it forward”.
want to just enjoy our relationship as it is, because it works so beautifully now.
(whatever it is you’re thinking)
And third, if she does say something along the lines of, “But I’m ready to be married! Why don’t you want to marry me now?!” don’t respond that you do, probably, but just not yet. It will sound like you’re just telling her what she wants to hear without actually giving her anything concrete.
Instead, ask her why she wants to get married now, what marriage means to her, and what she wants your relationship to be like. See if there’s something concrete she’s missing that you are ready to (and want to) give her. Maybe she would be satisfied for now with your reassurance that you love her and a promise that you’re not going anywhere. Maybe she’d like to share a household, so you can see each other daily, and not have to keep arranging “dates”. Or maybe you already live together, and are more or less acting like a married couple, and she wants to celebrate your already existing commitment.
Whatever the case, tell her what you want, find out what she wants, and go from there. And yes, if you’re not ready to propose because you’re not sure you want to marry her ever, then for fuck’s sake, the sooner you say it, the better.
ETA: In other words, what **even sven **said, with added bloviating.
