Kim’s Law (after my ex-girlfriend): Never, ever believe people when they describe their own personality. She told me she was very laid-back, and she turned out to be one of the most extreme control freaks I’ve ever met. We are terrible judges when it comes to evalutating ourselves.
The Glove Rule: If you buy a pair of winter gloves, you will lose one by early December. If you buy an identical pair, you will lose one of those by early January. This will leave you with two matching gloves. They will both go on your left hand.
The NSFW Rule: You have been doing responsible work all day. You decide to be naughty just for two minutes, and surf to some strange site. This will cause the website for Goat-felching Hermaphroditic College Girls Gone Wild to pop up. This will happen at the exact moment your boss walks into your office.
Waiter summoning 101: If you need to talk to a server in a restaurant, head off to the bathroom. They are guaranteed to appear at your table while you are gone. If you stay at the table and try to to get their attention, they will walk past you 10 times, not seeing you standing on the chair while waving your arms over your head.
Menus - The one dish that sound the most interesting is going to be full of mushrooms (blech), even they aren’t listed on the description.
Friends - The more I would trust my friends with my life, the less I would trust them with my dignity.
As Dorothy Parker put it in rhyme:
Unfortunate Coincidence
By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying -
Lady make a note of this:
One of you is lying.
My sister always, always calls just at the climax of whatever movie I’m watching. It’s uncanny. :rolleyes:
As much as you might think the zit wants plenty of loving, touching and squeezing, LEAVE IT ALONE. No matter how tempting it is, DON’T DO IT! Just after you think you can’t take it anymore will be the time to squeeze.
…and the closer you will be too - but not at - payday.
I filled my tank on Friday. I get paid tomorrow, and I only drive ten minutes to work. I thought I had the tank/payday law beaten for once.
But noooo…
For various tricks my family has pulled this week, I’ve put 600 kilometres on the clock over the weekend. The upshot? It’s about ten hours before my pay goes into my bank account, I’m skint, and the little fuel warning light is starting to come on when I go up hills…
Your sister must be related to my mother. Mom always calls me when I’m sitting on the toilet. I could spend hours watching TV or surfing the internet, but as soon as I feel nature calling and answer, I hear the damn phone ringing in the kitchen. It’s scary.
This is more of a guideline than a rule. It is, though, the most important thing I remember from college:
Life is uncertain – eat dessert first.
How’s that excuse working out for you? :dubious: 
That reminds me of the Bastard Operator from Hell, finding the boss surfing porn (and I paraphrase wildly from memory here):
“Hmm… so ‘it just came up’, you say? Goatfelch11.jpg, eh? Number 11 of a series of 16? And it just came up?”
Don’t kiss (go to bed with, etc.) people unless you like them. Having to get boozed up first does not count as liking.
Not so well.
As far as people calling at the exact wrong moment – Ever heard of answering machines? I make it a rule not to let my phone run my life.
The PITA-ness of the client is inversely proportional to the size of their account.
All of your typos will be of the variety missed by SpellCheck.
The guy you want to hear from is not going to call you. The guy you were excited about until you met the *other * guy will not stop calling you.
Never, **ever ** refuse a mint.
Now *that’s * just reaping what you sowed. 
to you, sir. 
Corollary to this (and a personal issue of mine): call the damn guy already, princess. Don’t sit around all day trying to send telepathic “call me” messages to him.
Related to this is:
The Car/Christmas rule: No matter how you save or plan, your car will invariably require either repairs or expensive maintenance between Thanksgiving and the New Year, severely cutting into your Christmas budget.
I’ve also discovered these:
The Law of Trade-Ins: If you own a shitty car and have made plans to purchase a better one, your shitty car will somehow become aware of this. No matter how well it has held on previously, it will die at some point before the trade-in can be made. Preferably in the morning, on your way to work, on the day the trade-in is planned for. (Yes, this happened to me. Piece of shit car… 2 years and I’m still mad at the thing.)
**
The Awesome Haircut Rule:** You are allowed one awesome haircut per life. The haircut you love. The haircut that’s stylish and everyone compliments. The haircut that suits the shape of your face and the texture and color of your hair perfectly. The haircut that can never be duplicated. No matter the efforts you take to recreate it, something will prevent you. The stylist will quit and join the Peace Corps. You’ll misplace the pictures. You’ll move to a new city. You’ll cut your hair too short and it will take forever to grow to the right length again. If you do, somehow, manage to get past all these obstacles, you’ll leave the salon and the cut will be hopelessly out of style.
Why, thank you. But just tell Mr-Persistent-But-Second-Best that you were only interested in him until you thought you had a shot at someone better, and what’s to keep the problem from resolving itself?
The bonus “extra” money rule:
Anytime you recieve a windfall, something happens in the next few days that cost as much or more than you just got. I had a nice bonus at work this year… two weeks later, my furnace crapped out on me! bye, bye bonus!